7 attitudes that make a couple’s relationship work

There is a new male way of thinking about life together that may surprise women. Quietly, the opposite sex has been undergoing a social as well as a personal transformation. And that makes all the difference when it comes to dating or marriage. “Man is seeking more intimacy with himself. This process includes intensifying the role of father and valuing other spheres of life. The professional aspect is no longer the only important focus”, clarifies the psychoanalyst Sócrates Nolasco, author of the books The Myth of Masculinity and The Deconstruction of the Masculine (both from Editora Rocco). This context favors a good encounter with women. But to live an adult love, both face challenges. “Marriage summons couples to manage the frustrations and expectations regarding life together. It is an exercise for a mature bond”, says the psychoanalyst.

If men are on a new frequency, it’s time for you to catch up too. Check out the seven verbs you need to practice, in their version, to ensure a happy relationship. And it’s not just theory. Each verb was defined based on experiences with the woman he loved.

1. Laugh

Good humor is the basic requirement in the behavior of the partners. “A look with more lightness and grace in everyday life changes everything for the better. Even in the midst of turbulence or even an argument, a funny phrase or an ironic comment from the good helps to lower the pressure and think: ‘Is this really that serious? Can’t you move on even in this situation?’ My wife is my companion in life – and everyone knows that someone in a bad mood spoils any trip. That’s the point,” says photographer Adi, who has been married to Fabiana for 11 years.

2. Respect

Without respect, nothing works. And there are two aspects in which they feel disrespected: the difficulty in having a little time for men’s programs and, when they do, controlling their partners. Those who show flexibility win a thousand points. “My wife is special. I like to have a beer, play pool, organize a barbecue at the weekend. And when I come back, there’s no ugly face. We built that trust and I really value her for that”, says accountant Carlos, 50 years old, married for 25 years to Marlene. He is a spokesperson for the widespread opinion that stickiness gets in the way. The more space the better.

3. Wish

Erotic surprises and sensual shows on a Wednesday night? It’s not at all what they really value. They recognize the importance of sex in lasting relationships, but, in contrast to the female wing, they have a less fanciful and more realistic view of the subject. “It’s the little things she does that can seduce me – the way she talks to our son, the way she handles a situation. I observe it, I like it and I start to desire it”, says Rodrigo, 33 years old, publicist, married to Mônica. Here’s the tip for us: it’s not always an explicitly sensual attitude that awakens their libido. “The challenge today is not to enjoy sexual freedom, but to maintain intimacy and complicity in everyday life so that, when you are together, the sex is good”, confirms Nolasco.

4. Divide

Share tasks and responsibilities – financial, professional, with children, home, etc. – became a “contractual clause”. However, they think that this should be done without rigidity or pre-established roles. For example, at Carlos’ house, he always stayed with the children on weekends so that his wife, a pediatrician, could do the shift. Rodrigo often goes to an event at his son’s school while Mônica attends the condominium meeting. Hairdresser Ricardo, 32 years old, married to Andréa, performs the nocturnal routine with the children: he gives them dinner, a bath and makes them sleep. Thus, the woman gains a little time to go to the gym. At Glauco’s house, 36 years old, financial analyst, married to Fabiana, it is up to her to take care of bureaucratic matters, and to him to run the kitchen.

5. overcome

The couple manages to overcome problems when one welcomes the other in moments of fragility, the men believe. And then the relationship strengthens. “After three years of dating, I went through a professional setback, my income plummeted. It was Fabiana who raised me morally, who encouraged me. When I saw that she was willing to go through difficulties with me, I was sure that I wanted her for the rest of my life”, says Glauco. Men expect women to know how to deal with dissatisfaction with their partner or relationship – which allows them to face disappointments without falling apart. And it’s not just the big crises. Here come the little quirks, annoyances and even PMS, a test of patience for them. “Cinthya drove me crazy. At this stage, she teased me too much. Now, I arm myself with a box of chocolates and a hot water bottle for the cramps. And I look forward to the menopause”, says, laughing, Paulo Henrique, 43 years old, lawyer, married for ten years. He guarantees that, with good humor and sweets, the monthly balance of fights plummets.

6. Pamper

They also like to be pampered. It is true that many have already considered these treats to be superfluous, but they changed their minds when they were touched by the magic wand of delicacy. “I always thought this thing about giving flowers was silly until the day Fabiana sent me an imported rose. That made me happy. It broke the bread and butter of the relationship”, confesses Glauco. Pampering is a subtle action. Minimal gestures can have an effect. A treat makes the recipient happy and also the giver. At least that’s what Carlos’ attitude reveals: “When my wife comes home from work very tired, I take off her shoes, give her a massage and caress her. I don’t plan on getting anything in return, I just think it’s good to show that I can take care of her.” No wonder he and Marlene have been together for 25 years.

7. Admire

Being able to look at the other and think: “This is the guy” or “This is the woman” triggers the thermometer of marital happiness. And men guarantee that it’s not just appearance that counts. “If she cut or lightened her hair, I don’t even notice. Or rather, I understand, but I don’t care so much about the packaging. I like the content: her articulate way, the way she solves things and a mystery that she often leaves in the air – it instigates me to conquer a side of her that still seems unmastered”, says Daniel, engineer, 38 years old , married for 12 to Vanessa. Rodrigo adds: “Amazing is not purely contemplative and aesthetic. I want to be recognized as the best educator of her son, the coolest husband and a special lover.” In the game of admiration, each one enters the field willing to charm his partner – and both win.