5 tips for people who get very angry

Anger is one of those universal feelings that we find in all living beings. The dog who hides his ball gets angry, the baby whose pacifier is taken away, the employee who is reprimanded by his boss…

But the truth is that We don’t all do it for the same reasons and we don’t all react in the same way. What is hidden behind the different reactions? Could we stop getting angry or, at least, reduce the tension?

why do we get angry

We found two common triggers that lead us to anger:

Frustration in the face of some kind of unfulfilled expectation. It has a lot to do with who lets us down. For many people, the fact that someone from their trusted environment (family, partner and even an institution) betrays what is expected of them can generate great anger and end in a break.Differences with others. We find ourselves here with those who can’t stand the selfish or those who get away, the squared or the lazy… And we can continue adding a long etcetera of positions of others that manage to get us out of our boxes.

different types of anger

Not all people get angry in the same way There are people who show their anger in an exaggerated way. But there are two types of extremes: those who react explosively to show their discomfort and those who, on the contrary, apply silence as a method to show their anger. In both cases the anger is not well managed.

The explosive anger

We know when something is disturbing us because the body notifies us of the degree of anger. Our body often shows it in a way that we believe is inevitable. We hear phrases like “I felt like a knife was being stabbed into me”, “it was like I was punched”, or “I was so angry that I felt like I was going to explode”.

In these cases, people say that they do not control their reactions because they are automatic; However, what is in the background is the false belief that whoever yells or riots the most will have more power over the other and will ultimately impose his criteria. But nothing further from reality. What normally happens is that either those around us get used to these attitudes or, as they say, we lose the argument for the forms.

silence as anger

Not all of us bodily react explosively. There are people who keep their anger inside. Their answer is silence, that is how they express their discomfort. They are silent for days or weeks, which ends up being a double punishment. Towards others, because they apparently ignore them, but also towards themselves, because they forbid themselves from interacting in a relaxed atmosphere.

The problem is that the negative energy does not disappear, which becomes self-destructive. Disappointment or anger can be very great, but if we isolate ourselves, resentment can become chronic and lead to depression. It is better to remove, little by little, what has hurt or frustrated us.

5 keys to get angry less

We need some keys to get out of situations that make us constantly angry.

1. Abandon the idea of ​​homogeneity

Believing that, if we are all the same, we will love each other and understand each other better is a false premise, among other things because we all want and have our own personality. So it would be about knowing how to live with differences without clouding relationships. We have to put aside the fiction that there are ideals of family, partner, friendship or work, where everything is cordial and there is always agreement.

This implies managing the differences well, asking ourselves which ones are really important or basic and if they are strongly influencing our way of being or understanding life. If we get angry about anything, we will not be able to move forward. nor discriminate when it is necessary to emphasize and look for valid arguments for our objectives.

2. Learn to separate

The fact that we do not like something about a person, that we think in different ways, does not imply that it is no longer useful to us or that we stop considering it good. We must learn to separate someone’s opinion or position (friend, partner, colleague or relative) of the totality of that person. There are always facets that we share and with which we agree, and others with which we do not. Therefore, they will always be partial relationships, from which we will be able to rescue the spaces where there are agreements, and respect the places of disagreement, without having to break the ties.

We also have to be able to differentiate in reverse. That is to say, If someone is angry with our position on something and this generates discomfort, we must discern two issues. First we must ask ourselves: who are we talking to, with what frame does that person move, what things may be touching him on a personal level at this moment. And the second, and most important, is not to confuse someone else’s opinion with a value judgment about our own person.

3. Recognize the opinion of others

Being trapped by the image that the other has of our identity is what drags us to anger or anger. We confuse our essence with the recognition of those around us. While it is true that we constitute ourselves with and from our environment, that is valid for our childhood. Who we are cannot come from an outside that only sees us partially and through the sieve of different interests. To get angry would be to have remained identified in the image that another person returns to us.

We do not want to say that we are isolated, self-sufficient individuals and that we do not need anyone, it is not like that. The feeling of belonging in humans is very strong and is present continuously, but it must be restructured to reconcile the individual with the group or associative. In this way, it will be possible to be faithful to one’s own principles and also to the common ones. Not doing so is precisely one of the biggest causes of disputes and grudges. If we pick up the basics of what was said above, the secret would be to consider the differences between one and the other as valid, they all have a place. They may like more or less, but they should not be exclusive.

4. Learn to put up with the type

The truth is that people seem to find it difficult to maintain differences without getting angry. We feel obliged to be fully sure of our conviction, which is not always the case, and in fact it should not be so either. So we usually make up for that lack of guarantees with vehemence and attacks.

When we start from an intuition, an ideology or information that others do not share, but that we believe is important, we have to trust ourselves to maintain our position. It is necessary to know how to put up with the type, to be able to bear that others have a negative image of us, and to try to argue from one’s own resources, knowing who is in front of us. And if they understand us, fine; but if they do not understand us, that will not take away anything of value from our position and, much less, from our being.

5. Try to argue well

In order not to get carried away by anger, we need to accept the differences and give them normality.

Connect with your interior. Do not get carried away by the qualifiers that others attribute to you. If they tell you, for example, that you are selfish, it is best to stop, connect with yourself and check if it is really true or if it is just that you do not want to give in to something.A rational answer. Discard the reactions of visceral explosion and those of remaining silent in order to deal with anger rationally. If we feel attacked, we will not be able to discern each other’s interests or how to respect each other even if there is no agreement.Find a common space. If the one who gets angry is the other, it is best to leave a period of time and not make the difference central. On the contrary, let’s rescue everything that unites us and find a way to convey that the differences are partial and salvageable.Put words to your ideas. Find an argumentative thread with the reasons why you disagree. Expressing that, from your analysis, you do not reach the same conclusions as your interlocutor will make a difference without the need to lead to a fight.Try to calm down. If the bad temper comes out, we always have to calm down and apologize (not forgiveness) when the temper can. Acknowledging that it wasn’t such a big deal, giving our version, and accepting that the other person also has the right to disagree, even if we don’t like it.Live with discrepancies. Trust yourself, but also be critical towards yourself and towards yourself. Let’s get used to maintaining discrepancies without our self (or that of others) blowing up. Analysis and contextualization will always help us.