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5 causes of lack of communication in couples

If there is no communication in the couple, there is no understanding or knowledge of the other, only emotional cold, distance and misunderstandings.

There will always be noise in any communication channel, since it is very difficult for the other person to understand your speech as you want them to understand it; Subjectivity has interpretive filters to know the discursive reality of the other. If our thinking is biased by irrational ideas, we will hardly be empathetic with what the other wants to tell us. So, The lack of communication in couples has particularities that make it special.

Thought is made up of verbal representations, hence the categorical statement, communication is everything. Besides, Our verbal expressions, inherently loaded with intentions, are permeated by our parenting patterns.: “Tell me the boy or girl you were and I will tell you the man or woman you are.”

Taking all this into account, let’s see what contributes to the lack of communication in relationships and what we can do to restore it.

“It gives more strength to know that you are loved than to know that you are strong: the certainty of love, when it exists, makes us invulnerable.”

-Goethe-

Lack of communication in couples

The lack of communication can generate a great distance between its members until reaching a breakup.

Requited love is the most powerful force that any human being experiences, feeling that can be expressed through words; We must even interpret and translate even bodily gestures into thought, composed of verbal representations.

Why is there a lack of communication in couples? Living a romantic relationship requires authentic feelings, in addition to their verbal and physical manifestation.. Now, let’s imagine the following scenic tableau:

When Elena was a child, her parents never showed her sincere affection, they taught her to fend for herself and, worst of all, her expressions of support and emotional need never obtained satisfactory responses. As an adult, Elena seems emotionally strong, and claims not to need anyone..

According to this scene, Elena accumulates all the risk factors to develop avoidant attachment: she will live in a bubble, whereby she will think that she is an empowered person; You will be selfish with your emotions and will tend to sabotage your relationships, especially romantic ones..

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Let’s assume the following: Elena’s partner is Carlos. If he does not have a general overview of his girlfriend’s emotional situation, then it is possible that he will misinterpret his messages. She loves Carlos, but her emotional history marks her relational attitude: it is likely that she will end up sabotaging her relationship, without being aware of it, to be alone.

5 causes of lack of communication in couples

It needs to be said again: communication is everything.. The communication channels are not able to express our own feelings and thoughts, since we cannot forget the interpretive filters of our partner’s subjectivity.

Without losing sight of the hypothetical case of Elena and Carlos, the following points can serve as a guide, depending on how you identify with them, to understand the lack of communication in relationships.

1. The importance of one’s own affairs

It is possible that you manage a narcissistic position by communicating your feelings and your thoughts, at the same time that you dismiss your partner’s speech, minimizing what they want to communicate.

If only your vision and what you do matter, it is normal that problems will arise in the long run. After all, you are not willing to listen, but rather to be listened to.

2. Silence due to the other’s reaction

In this case, one of the two silences how they feel or what they think for fear of the other’s reactionespecially to avoid consequences, such as conflict.

For example: your partner told you that he was afraid of falling in love with you, so you don’t dare to express your feelings. Or you’re annoyed that he doesn’t lower the toilet seat when he uses it, but you’re afraid of his response because he always gets upset when you say something to him.

3. The thought that it doesn’t matter

We all have important experiences that we would like to share with our partner, but sometimes we don’t tell them because we believe that they will not give them the necessary importance or that we will bore them with our stories.

The result is that, on the one hand, we generate a certain distance and on the other hand we close ourselves in on ourselves, most of the time by hypotheses that we have not proven.

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4. The weight of the routine

This factor is one of the most important in lack of communication in couples. If the other’s story never has anything new, such as the tireless daily routine, or we do not find any emotion in what is communicated, it is possible that one or both parties in the relationship will become bored, so Silence is considered more comfortable than dialogue.

5. The emotions and moods we experience

It is possible that some emotions and mood disorders, such as stress, depression, anxiety, anguish, etc., condition the couple’s dialogue.

The appropriate thing in these cases is to identify how we feel, what emotion or mood we are under and express it with respect and assertiveness if possible or wait for the intensity to decrease and then talk about it.

Be that as it may, it is important that the couple knows how we feel, otherwise it is very likely that they will draw their own conclusions, which may be wrong.

According to Gerardo Benjamín Tonatiuh and his collaborators: “the process of communicating involves two aspects: cognition, what is thought before issuing any message, and behavior, the behavioral actions that are used when communicating.” To all this, we must add the interpretation made of what has been communicated. If all this is not taken into account, it is easy to generate misunderstandings and conflicts.

Communicating how we feel helps others to know how we are, but especially to know ourselves.

How to restore communication

Patience and understanding are necessary to regain good communication. However, we cannot forget that In the relationship between sender and receiver there will always be noise in the information; However, in the following points we will explain factors that can help reduce noise when communication is little or none:

Give simple, concrete and assertive messages. Avoid taking detours to say what you want to express, without sitting on the word and maintaining coherence in your discursive thread. Have the right words at hand so that your partner understands you before he or she makes judgments about your silence. For example, if you want to tell her that she dedicates very little time to the relationship, don’t complain to her; Express your sincere feelings about what you think about not having more time by your side. Be understanding before passing judgment.. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes so you can feel what he or she wants to express; listen until the end, only interrupt to ask questions that nourish her speech and so that you understand her better; This way, he will feel that you care about his verbal presentation.Let go of pride and accept constructive criticism. The couple can help us improve. Their perception of us is important to change negative aspects that we bring to the relationship without meaning to. Furthermore, to give constructive criticism to our partner, it is necessary to put pride aside, since it contaminates our feelings and thoughts when expressed in words.Speak at the right time. Keep in mind that you cannot express yourself in any way at all places and times; Therefore, there is privacy or places reserved for it. Maintaining regulation and being patient to communicate what needs to be expressed is necessary for the word to flow.Express your feelings. Do not repress your feelings, your partner has the right to know them and you have the right to communicate them; Otherwise, you may feel discomfort for not expressing yourself, and it may affect your relationship, since in the end you prevent him from getting to know you.Make concessions. There is a wide variety of tastes in a romantic relationship, so it is necessary to make concessions. For example, if my partner is very religious and attends mass, but I do not, two situations can occur: she will go to mass alone, understanding that I do not like it, or I will accompany her because I understand that it is very important for her to fulfill her obligations. religious precepts. After all, consensus is achieved thanks to good communication.

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Finally, an excellent option is couples therapy, in which the specific causes why there is a lack of communication can be studied. In this space, there is only room for critical reflection that illuminates the path to learning to understand others and, especially, ourselves.

Likewise, you can work on your strengths and weaknesses, together or individually, to further strengthen communication in the relationship.

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