4 simple phrases to improve your relationship

Hello friends!

In Mindfulness Psychology, there is a very simple type of activity to transform – to improve – our interpersonal relationships. It is valid and useful not only for love relationships but for any and all types of closer relationships.

This activity, which we can also call training, is made up of 4 parts. Each part is usually worked on and experienced at different times.

Phrase 1) Dear/darling – I am here for you

To the extent that the main thing, the fundamental of the psychology of mindfulness is having and keeping your attention in the present moment, the willingness to be present for someone is an opening for moments of more happiness and encounter.

At the beginning of a relationship, it is common for a couple to look at and listen to each other a lot. If they are going out to dinner, dinner can last for hours, they talk so much and are there, really present for each other.

Over time, dinner becomes just dinner. There is a rush to eat and a rush to finish, or the deep gazes give way to cell phones.

However, it is not the time, the amount of time or its duration that will matter. It’s the quality of time. Five minutes dedicated to being truly present with the other person is quality time together. And it doesn’t matter whether, for example, it’s a couple who’ve been together for a year or ten or thirty.

How do you say Thich Nhat Hanh: “How can you love if you are not there?”

Therefore, the first sentence is: “I am here for you”. To hear you, to see you, to know about you.

Phrase 2) Honey, I know you’re there and I’m so glad you are

The second sentence is similar to the first, but it brings us something a little different. One of the definitions of (fraternal) love that was the dedication of a poem by Fernando Pessoa to Almada Negreiros, in which he writes:

“You don’t know how grateful I am that you exist.”

Is there anything more beautiful than this? You don’t know… how happy I am with the fact that you exist! Not only the fact of birth (the birth of a child gives us that feeling too, of contentment for existence), but, in addition, it is the real joy for the presence of the other person.

In many love relationships, it is necessary for the other to move away, so that longing arises and the perception of the importance that the other person has returns.

These days I saw a very funny comic on facebook, unfortunately I couldn’t find it. The woman comes home and the dog happily comes over to greet her. The little dog makes the fuss and the woman says: “Hey, how are you? How beautiful! I missed you too! What a beauty”. Afterwards, she turns to her husband and says, “Hi.” And the husband says, “Hi.”

Without wanting to explain the joke, but already explaining it, the woman recognizes the total presence of her dog and he also recognizes her. However, the woman does not recognize and congratulate herself for her husband’s presence, nor he for her.

How do you say Thich Nhat Hanh: “To be loved is to be recognized as existing”. So think and say “I’m glad you’re here”. And the here, nowadays, has been expanded. Through a message, an email, a phone call, a video chat, we are able to rejoice in the presence of the other person, because, even if they are not two steps away, we can see and/or hear them and that is enough to make us happy and radiate our happiness.

Phrase 3) Darling/darling, I know you suffer, that’s why I’m here for you

There are many definitions of suffering, but I don’t think a definition is needed. A suffering that comes from illness, from frustration, from a concern, from a fight… it doesn’t matter the cause or the origin, everyone knows what it is to suffer. However, few realize that suffering can show up in very different ways in behavior. While one closes the door of his room and is silent, another kicks and screams hoarsely against whatever it is, another still cries and another tries to escape with an exit from home, a trip or with chemical substances.

That is, there are many causes for suffering, from different situations of everyday life, just as there are different ways of manifesting suffering. Anyway, the third sentence says, “I know you’re hurting and that’s why I’m here for you.”

Many people think that psychotherapy is useful for venting and getting advice. It’s not that much, but certainly a good part of a patient’s improvement comes from putting their suffering out there and being heard completely.

And, although we may not have training in the area, the willingness to make ourselves available to someone while they are suffering is an unimaginable help for the suffering to decrease or stop.

For example, in a couple’s fight, both may get the idea that you are right. And out of pride, they don’t care. Changing the focus of thoughts and noticing the suffering of others and, moreover, showing up and saying that you know about the suffering and will be around to try to mitigate at least a little, makes the approximation possible.

Many friends speak of their true friends in this way. When I went through this and that difficult situation, he/she was here with me to help me.

Phrase 4) Darling/darling, I suffer, I have been trying my best, please help me

This is certainly the phrase for us to practice that is the most difficult. In theory, it is easier to recognize and accept the other person’s suffering and their need for help than to recognize our suffering and our need for help.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Deep down, no one can make you suffer without your consent. But on hundreds of occasions, it is likely that we will continue to maintain – for a while – the impression that it was the other person who made us suffer.

And, as other people have different ways of expressing their suffering, each one will express it based on their personality. The two basic tendencies, almost instinctively, are fight or flight. They are two forms of suffering, and they are likely to cause more suffering in the future, because they are actions based on a distorted perception.

That is why the phrase allows us to practice another path. Instead of fighting (screaming, arguing, arguing, pointing fingers) or running away (to another space, locking the door, not answering the phone, disappearing) we can do things differently. We can think and say, “I am suffering, can you help me?”

Conclusion

They say life is short. It passes in the blink of an eye. Living more in the present and less in the past or the future allows us to live better, with ourselves and with others. Being there, recognizing the beauty, mystery and magic of presence (because we only realize how precious life is when we are in contact with loss). Being there to try to help at least a little to overcome suffering.

These are suggestions to test and prove that these 4 phrases bring us – and others – much more happiness!

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