Words are lost in the midst of bad attitudes and feelings are also gone

It was there the whole time. Like a huge billboard showing me everything; and I lost in the midst of illusions and easy words that stroke the ego more than the heart. Sometimes you have to be close to see the obvious.

I wanted you. I wanted to be in your embrace. I wanted your mouth on mine. Your body on mine. But that’s where I got lost. I didn’t look at the signs. Even though it’s right in front of me…

The unfinished conversations: lack of interest.

The monosyllabic answers: lack of interest.

The meeting that got canceled at the last minute: lack of interest.

Shallow conversations, no reciprocity: lack of interest.

Demonstrations of affection, love, complicity and affection in front of me towards another woman: disrespect for me as a woman.

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• Detachment is necessary to live NEW STORIES

feel jealous? Not. But disrespect yes. That moment that hurts your soul, that you didn’t want to be there to see and feel, you don’t think, you just feel the pain, the embarrassment, the shame of just being. I know your bad attitudes don’t define who I am, but it hurts.

Because as far as I know, when you love someone and want them around, it doesn’t matter, you respect them, you care about their feelings, regardless of the degree of involvement.

What’s left? The certainty that finishing something that had barely begun was the best decision. At least I won’t have kisses, hugs to remember. Thankfully there was nothing, but even though she was a strong and determined woman, she would certainly suffer for her neglect.

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• I lost myself trying to love you. Every piece and part of me became non-existent.

You, at the height of your mediocrity, didn’t understand that I wanted you yes, but I didn’t need you. And it’s like this strong and decisive woman that I tell you: it was you who lost.

You lost the privilege of having a strong, well-resolved woman, owner of her own nose, without neurosis and fears, who all she wanted was to share her life with you.

Your attitudes did not define what I was to you, but what you became to me. Someone to forget about. You could and maybe you can still take some tears from me, because I’m human and disrespect for us always hurts, but my essence as a strong and determined woman doesn’t. You didn’t take this one!

With you I learned that words are lost in the midst of bad attitudes and that feelings are also gone. You’ll never know what it was for me. But its alright. I needed to see it to believe it, feel it and understand you and who you were. I never cared about outward beauty, but finding out that her soul was not good made me very sad.

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• Thank you for giving up on me so easily, you taught me to fight for myself

Because you showed daily with your indifference and carelessness with my feelings, that there was no room for “us” in your life.

Thankfully, I freed myself from any feelings I might have had towards you and found that I deserve to always be the priority in a man’s life and never an option.

Thank you for giving me back to me with the certainty that I deserve more in life.

Zilda Alves Souza Silva