Why overly nice people can be manipulative

Helpful and kind people are always ready to give you the best slice of the pie, go on a long trip to help someone in need or lend money to a relative or friend. I mean, they do their best to please. If you have such a friend, you must think that an angel has appeared in your life. Unfortunately, these people are actually not saints, but dangerous manipulators.

the team of awesome.club decided to understand why it is necessary to avoid people who are overly solicitous. After all, as the saying goes, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

This type of person offers friendship and love, but in return they always throw comments like, “I spent the best years of my life with you / I invested a lot of money in you / I don’t sleep well at night because of you.” You will start to feel guilty and waste many years trying to deal with the issue and “return” so much love.

In the case of parents who use this type of manipulation with their own children, the issue is even more serious. If you hear the sentences below from your parents, your spouse or a friend, then you may be being manipulated by them with a sense of guilt:

“I spent the best years of my life with you.” “I stopped having fun with my friends because of you.” “I didn’t get married a second time so you wouldn’t want to live with your stepfather.” “I spend my money on you and I don’t see any gratitude.” “I cooked this soup for 3 hours and you don’t want to eat it.”

All these accusations are based on the same model of “I sacrificed something very important and now you will pay”. What’s important for the manipulator is to make a sacrifice that no one asked for—children didn’t ask to be born, some husbands don’t ask their wives to leave work, and so on.

Manipulative behavior kills all desire to be grateful. Instead, it provokes a desire to run away or to end a relationship.

According to psychologists, this behavior has neurotic roots. The person is not really wanting to help, but being selfish. Now let’s see the causes:

The victim always has passive-aggressive behavior. In fact, she would like to use physical violence against her interlocutor., but education and good manners don’t let her do that and for that reason, these kind of people resort to manipulation. Instead of expressing her displeasure, the mother tells her son “I didn’t sleep at night because of you and now you’re married and you don’t call me”. In this way, it causes negative emotions in the other person so that you can manipulate them further. The victim needs praise. This happens because of low self-esteem. Such people live under a feeling of rejection all the time. At first, these manipulators sacrifice themselves, believing that, later on, they will be valued for it. And when recognition doesn’t come, disillusionment is the natural consequence. The person believes he has a “life mission”. Aggressive sacrifice is a phenomenon that makes a person believe that he has a mission on Earth. Therefore, he will live in a relationship with an alcoholic or an abuser, believing that someone needs to assume this responsibility. Satisfaction comes when the manipulative victim begins to receive recognition and pity for their “mission.” The victim sacrifices what he never had. The manipulator does not sacrifice what he has in abundance (time, energy, money), but only the things he never had. Many people with this profile go on to have depression, precisely because no one understands and recognizes them.

Excessively nice and manipulative people irritate precisely because they live in the habit of throwing their own kindness and sacrifice in the face. Psychologists call this phenomenon a well-known term, emotional blackmail, and it works when its victims are weakened. Experts have analyzed the behavior of these manipulators and explain how they hit their targets. The technique is known as FOG. Here are the three pillars of this Machiavellian strategy:

Fear (English) — fear. The fear of offending or losing the handler. Obligation (English) — responsibility. The manipulator tries to use our sense of duty against ourselves so he can blame us for his failures. Guilt (English) — guilt. Ashamed of not being able to live up to the hopes placed.

In Great Britain there is a law that prohibits emotional violence and manipulation. It means that no one person can control the other. According to this law, the citizen cannot, for example, force his wife to cook lunch or handle the children. He can, at most, ask. The practical consequences of these rules are still unclear, but it is obvious that there are some advantages. For example, they serve as a defense against psychological violence in the family. There are, however, some barriers. How to clearly identify acts of manipulation?

The answer is easy. Restrict communication with them to the most basic issues. But what to do if your husband or relative is the manipulator? According to psychologists you can save relationships using the following techniques:

Don’t give the handler what he wants. Don’t pay attention to phrases like “I gave you everything and you don’t want to thank me”. Understand that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness or misfortune. “If you can’t beat him, lead.” If the handler starts accusing you, do the same. Finally, clearly tell the manipulator what you are feeling. Try to clarify what he really wants and of course consider the context. Can a bitter argument with aging parents solve the problem?

According to studies, these sacrifices in relationships lead to depression and disillusionment with yourself and the environment around you. When you make an unnecessary sacrifice, some people can get angry, which only makes the environment worse. Furthermore, is it really worth sacrificing one’s life for certain comforts of others? Only you can answer. Analyze your life and your consciousness calmly and calmly. It is necessary to maintain balance in relationships. Don’t be selfish and don’t sacrifice everything for relatives/children/friends.

If you believe that you make every effort to satisfy a person and they don’t value it, then maybe the cause of the problem is you. Stop doing that and dedicate some time to your life.

Do you believe there are truly selfless people in our world? Or does every favor have its secret motive and are nice people actually manipulative?