Why don’t I trust people anymore?

Why don’t I trust people anymore? Why is it so hard for me to start new relationships? There are many people who ask themselves this question in the solitude of their minds, looking at their lives in perspective. Sometimes we look back to realize that we haven’t built a secure bond with someone for quite some time.

When it comes to trusting others we all move at different speeds. There are those who establish an almost instantaneous attachment, those who offer everything and deposit confidences, complicities and hopes in the other. Others, however, use prudence, dosing affections and concessions based on the weight of reciprocity and a considered intuition.

On the other hand, there are also those who need more time. In fact, More and more people appear in therapy who say they feel incapable of starting new emotional relationships. Also those who point out that they are better off without friends, but being aware that this lack of solid social ties generates certain voids, certain sadnesses.

This is a complex topic worth reflecting on. We are, after all, a hyperconnected society, we live in a world where it is easier than ever to find friends or partners and, yet, the quality of these ties is not always satisfactory or happy. We analyze it.

Why don’t I trust people anymore?

Living without trust shapes a bad life. The phrase may seem blunt, but it defines by itself a very real existential canvas. Trust is an indisputable driving force in human beings and is, in fact, a dimension that goes beyond the relational field.. We need, for example, to trust that when we leave the house no one will harm us, the elevator we ride in will not break down, and that we will continue to be just as skilled when driving our car.

The opposite of trust is distrust and a component that integrates this last dimension is fear. Therefore, those who drag themselves under the weight of disappointments, past wounds, and the anxiety of being betrayed again do not only harbor sadness and frustration. They also contain the sting of fear in their hearts. And something like that clouds life and makes it less pleasant, less satisfying.

In the event that we wonder why I no longer trust people, it is always appropriate to reflect on the following dimensions.

Pisanthrophobia, the fear of trusting

We know that today we have labels for almost any behavior. However, naming a series of behaviors or fears does not mean that they are clinical categories as such. This is what happens, for example, with the following dimension.

Pisanthrophobia is the irrational fear of establishing intimate relationships with others. Now, this phobia does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as an official diagnosis.

It does not do so because what is often behind these realities are stories of trauma, deep disappointments and unresolved experiences that continue to orbit in the present. And that is the real problem that must be addressed. Therefore, we cannot remain with the label of “I suffer from Pisanthrophobia”, the key, the purpose, is to know why.

Below we look at some triggers.

The quality of the bonds in our childhood

The first bond in which we establish a relationship of trust is with our parents. If basic dimensions such as well-being, security or emotional validation are not properly addressed from an early age, everything begins to fail.

When our main sources of attachment are missing or distort the concept of love and care, we develop a primal sense of distrust.

Why don’t I trust people anymore? When we focus on the losses

Throughout our life cycle, we accumulate experiences with each relationship that arises along the way.. Some are good and others less good. However, sometimes the latter have a greater impact on our emotional and psychological fabric: they break us, discourage us, disappoint us.

This suffering is more intense the more intimate the bond created: a friendship, a relationship or even, as we have pointed out before, a close family member. Discovering that we are not as appreciated as we thought, that betrayal and lies have a place in human relationships, can generate changes in us. We become distrustful, resentful and even cold.

Focusing our gaze only on the figures who hurt us has a cost. And it is to assume the dangerous idea that people are not trustworthy, that the best thing is to protect yourself.

What should I do if I no longer trust people?

When someone experiences the sting of betrayal at their own hand, it is not easy to trust again. However, that is a wound that must be healed to regain some of the lost happiness. It is necessary to give ourselves and others new opportunities. It is not healthy to live in the room of resentment, in that room with closed windows and airtight doors where the entrance is closed to every presence, to every new wind.

If we ask ourselves why I no longer trust people, it is obvious that somehow, we know the reason. Just look in the rearview mirror and see who has left us behind. However, let’s be clear, It is not good to live with our face fixed on the past, on everything that remains behind us.

Life happens in front of us, here and now. Trust is allowing ourselves new opportunities for happiness and to do so, it is appropriate to think about the following keys:

Heal first the wounds suffered in the past. To achieve quality relationships, the main thing is to be good with yourself, to have good self-esteem. A bad relationship cannot affect the opportunity to enjoy quality ties in the present.Reduce high expectations. Dosage, do not expect absolute devotion or perfect complicity after a few days. Accept that we are all imperfect.Do not measure everything you offer in a millimetric way expecting exactly the same. It does demand sincerity and authenticity. Go little by little, feel out people, open up without haste and allow others to open up to you. You set the pace at which you feel most comfortable in that relationship, whether it is a friendship or a couple. If the other person is trustworthy, they will respect your times.

To conclude, beyond what we may think, there are many people who live in the world feeling the pain of disappointment. There are many who have stopped trusting others. No one deserves to wake up every day with that thorn stuck inside.. Trust is living, let’s try again.

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