Why do you need to control your partner?

Attitudes of control, jealousy and possessiveness in an emotional bond are extremely harmful, both for those who receive them and for those who exercise them. Distrust, reproaches and lack of freedom usually deteriorate the relationship until leading it to its end on numerous occasions. Despite this, it is a dynamic that is frequently repeated. If you find yourself in this situation and want to stop controlling your partner, it is important that you understand the underlying causes of your behavior.

The reality is that, generally, the intention is not to harm the other or belittle them. The need for control arises as a defense mechanism against one’s own personal insecurities. However, even though there is no deliberate intention, these behaviors can be the prelude to other types of violence; Therefore, it is necessary to identify and address them from the beginning.

Why do you need to control your partner?

Insecurity and low self-esteem

Insecurity is the main reason behind the need to control the partner. Although controlling people often show an image of self-confidence and security, the truth is that they usually have poor and unhealthy self-esteem.

Trying to manipulate or coerce the other person to think, feel and act as we want, only indicates that we do not feel capable of maintaining a relationship in which both people are free. There may be thoughts of devaluation and fear that the other will discover that we are not so good, that a relationship with us is not worth it or that there are better options.

Those who have healthy self-esteem are aware of their virtues and defects and, even so, consider themselves valuable and deserving of love and respect. For the same, You are not afraid of comparisons nor do you need to restrict your partner’s actions or social circle.

Distrust towards others

On other occasions, the need to control the partner arises following one or more previous episodes in which the other has broken trust. After infidelity, it is common for those who were deceived to fear that the situation will repeat itself. A current that can lead to misgivings, suspicions and recurrent surveillance behaviors.

In particular, this dynamic occurs when infidelity has not been adequately addressed, It has not been healed nor have commitments to change been established by both of them. If you find yourself in this situation and feel like you need to control your partner, remember that no healthy relationship is possible without trust. Therefore, the only alternatives are to find a way to restore it or end the relationship. Staying in this emotional limbo can be painful and exhausting for both of you.

Positive beliefs regarding control

On the other hand, If you need to control your partner it is probably because you think that this control will avoid possible problems.. Directing their thinking, restricting their actions, controlling who they associate with or what they spend their time doing can give you a false sense of security. However, you must know that none of these attitudes will prevent the possible deception or abandonment that you fear; On the contrary, it will surely increase your partner’s discomfort and deteriorate your bond until it comes to an end.

The surest way to ensure the continuity of a relationship is to keep it healthy and enriching for both of you. Possessiveness, coercion, and control won’t hold your partner back, but they will make you both unhappy..

How to stop controlling your partner?

Control in a couple can manifest itself in various ways: from constant criticism to get the other person to change, even violations of their privacy, threats or emotional manipulations. If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, it is highly recommended that you seek professional help in this regard.

Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy has been shown to be effective in the treatment of pathological jealousy and the need for control.. Through various techniques you can learn to identify irrational thoughts about your relationship and replace them with more adaptive ones. Additionally, you will acquire tools to eliminate compulsive checking behaviors, such as constantly calling your partner or spying on their private conversations.

Insecurity, distrust and possessiveness wear down and damage loving bonds, generate suffering and can lead to other types of violence. For the same, It is important to analyze what is happening in the background when the need for control increases.

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