Why are we attracted to people who ignore us?

We tend to get hooked on the impossible, the complex or the mysterious. In personal relationships it is a fairly common occurrence. But do we know why it happens to us?

There is a fairly common feeling of emotional or sexual attraction towards those people who ignore us. Far from settling for people who could become potential partners and who treat us with affection, We tend to idealize those who reject us.

It seems that psychologically, The effect called reactance has a lot to say on this topic. Reactance is a term coined by Brehm and refers to the feeling that arises in any individual who sees his or her freedom deprived.

It usually arises when someone is pressured to accept a specific point of view. This fact creates an emotional and motivational reaction to adopt the opposite point of view and resistance to persuasion also hardens.

Reactance can arise in a multitude of situations in daily life and is a universal phenomenon. It can appear in both young children and mature, intelligent adults. In the field of romantic relationships, therefore, it is quite common to encounter this effect.

When we feel pressured to stay in a relationship, to love someone in particular, to some extent we can see our personal freedom threatened. However, when a person ignores us or projects a feeling of indifference towards us -which amounts to the same thing as a deprivation- that motivational reaction arises that pushes us to restore that freedom to choose.

In fact, the more deprived we are of being able to choose an alternative, the stronger the feeling of reactance is and the more we fight to obtain it. The prohibition or deprivation of power freely to be with someone, dyes that someone with an aura of mystery tremendously attractive. An uncontrollable desire arises in us to “go hunting” for those people who ignore us.

People who ignore us and our inner voids

Although, as we have explained, psychological reactance is very relevant in emotional relationships or couples, our internal shortcomings also have a great influence.

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There are people who get hooked on the impossible because this addiction is ultimately entertainment.. The problem is that what is now a hobby or emotional roller coaster can end up having negative long-term consequences.

The complicated thing is a goal that makes us distance ourselves and disconnect from routine and boredom. But why is boredom a problem? That’s the thing. Some people feel so lacking or empty that they feel that an easy and fluid relationship is unappetizing.

Therefore, to alleviate this boredom, we adhere to such a sentimental pastime, a soap opera that fills that internal vacancy that we ourselves cannot fill. The final consequence is usually that, if the objective is achieved and the relationship evolves into something more, what was a fun recreation becomes routine and, therefore, boredom.

A roller coaster in relationships

If we want to be stable people at the level of couple or personal relationships, it is important that we know that What may start out as child’s play may end up as a problem. Going after people who ignore us may seem fun at first.

In addition, it is possible that it provokes in us a pleasant feeling of curiosity and excitement that keeps us hooked. The problem is that you can’t live like this forever. There comes a time in life when you have to get off that emotional roller coaster. and ride the live guy, who is much more leisurely.

The reasons for not prolonging this game are several. The most important one is self-esteem. People who get hooked on this type of dynamic in which they reject those who treat them well and desire people who ignore them They usually have very low self-esteem.

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By not having a solid self-esteem, their mind keeps telling them that they are not really worthy of realistic affection. On the contrary, they deserve indifference. Therefore, for every step we take in order to get that person who neglects us, we are stabbing a new dagger to our self-esteem.

Besides, We do not become accustomed to states that are natural, such as calm, routine or reflection. Another reason is that we are probably wasting our precious time. The human being rarely uses the awareness of his finite nature to dispose of his time.

Many times our way of life follows the fiction of immortality, letting our valuable time slip away. That’s when we find ourselves looking for impossible challenges that end up turning against us..