When the illusion for another person fades

The decay of the illusion for another person is like a perfume that little by little loses its fragrance. We don’t know why, but every day the laughter produces less tickling and the glances stop looking for each other with longing. Knowing when it is time for a relationship to end is not always easy, but doing so on time and appropriately avoids emotional costs that are as unnecessary as they are painful.

We could approach this article the way most people expect. Offering guidelines and strategies to recover the lost hope. Because everyone deserves a second chance. Because there are things worth fighting for. However, there is an obvious fact that is seen very often in couples therapy consultations. Many people who end up leaving their relationship knew for almost a year that they had stopped loving their partner.

Thus, and as curious as it may seem to us, the same thing happens with friendship relationships. We often insist on stretching out a “gum” that has not worked anymore for a long time. However, we chose to move forward with those ties for a variety of reasons. For issues that can be summarized in the same dimension: fear. We are afraid of leaving something that until recently gave us happiness, satisfaction and well-being.

We are afraid of being alone. We are afraid to be honest, to tell the other without anesthesia or hot cloths what “I no longer wish to move forward because I have stopped loving you.” We fear, in essence, hurting the other person.

The decay of illusion: when the other becomes blurred from our priorities

The world of psychology has addressed the issue of failed relationships and the decay of illusion for more than three decades. Figures as relevant as John Gottman or Harville Hendricks have taught us ways and strategies to save our emotional ties. We have learned in this time what to do so that love lasts, we know which are those “horsemen of the apocalypse” that according to Gottman can anticipate a breakup, or how to differentiate good relationships from those that only bring suffering.

Now, there is a more than evident fact. There are relationships that expire and there is no turning back.. Continuing to invest time, effort and emotional adventures makes no sense when there is no hope or ember to fuel it. When repeated opportunities have been given and the results are always the same. When the barriers are insurmountable and only distance is perceived. When what is inside us is the slime of disenchantment that covers everything with chiaroscuro and discomfort.

The truth is that few sciences are as uncertain as that which governs the world of illusions in human beings. We could say that your enemy is routine and that your kryptonite is the evil actions of those who do not love as they should, those who do not know how to care and take things for granted. We know that in matters of the heart sometimes we are not skillful when it comes to declining its forms, its times, its norms. However, the decline of disillusionment is not a misspelling; It often happens, just like that.

The disappointment, the disenchantment, discovering the other without the blindfold that we were wearing over our eyes… We could give a thousand reasons and formulate a thousand more theories as to why this unexpected void arises in our relationships. However, in most cases, this decline in enthusiasm for another person does not result from what others do or fail to do. Often, we are the ones who have changed, we who no longer vibrate at that frequency.we who no longer find motivation in the motives of others.

What to do when disappointment appears?

In love, as in friendship, waiting rooms, excuses, or letting time pass to see what happens are not good. Either you fight for what you love or you let go of what you once wanted so as not to cause harm. Nothing is solved magically and the illusion does not return on its own if we do not promote changes, if we do not join forces together to take the relationship to another level to transform the bond in a more enriching way.

Now, if this decay of the illusion is already a decline, it is best to act accordingly. Prolonging the inevitable generates suffering. Living on false illusions is feeding ourselves on a substitute love that causes indigestion, makes us feel bad, and that like a contagious virus reaches others to make them sick too. After having done everything possible for that relationship, you often have to do the healthiest thing: put distance.

Illusion sometimes has the strange property of transforming over time. We cannot always master it, we know, we cannot always retain it forever in our ties with other people. That it goes out sometimes is the law of life. However, The important thing is that it always continues to appear on our paths, next to someone or alone, but always there, present, constant, life-giving.

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