When our exes come back again

A message, a call and they are there: our ex-partners are back again. Just when we had exorcised their names and oxygenated our hearts they return like addicts in search of their dose of ego. They appear like smoke sellers evoking the good moments shared, idealizing a love that in reality was never perfect, neither ideal nor even less healthy.

It certainly sounds like the title of a B-series horror movie: Exes always come back. However, this often widely shared statement is not true nor is it true in all cases. There are all types of emotional relationships, more or less happy, more or less mature. and with protagonists characterized by different styles of personality and behavior.

There are those who return, there is no doubt, but there are also those who disappear forever, just like the tears that one day we shed for their person and there are those who remain present in our social circle to the point of maintaining a cordial relationship with them. and friendly. Each person is a world and each world presents its own psychological “biodiversity.”

Now, among all this flora and fauna there is a pattern that tends to repeat itself frequently. We refer, of course, to that ex who decides to return to ruin everything, who returns starving for recognition and that knocks on our door in the same way that it returns to it: with selfishness.

When our ex-partners return to claim what they lost

Sometimes our ex-partners come back demanding something they believe is theirs. The psychological strategies they usually use to make our emotional spaces their own are as recurrent as they are exhausting. They do not hesitate to tell us that only they know how to make us happy, that no one knows us as much or as well and that what we experienced between the two of us was something unrepeatable, something that we cannot give up for lost.

They come to our psychological portals, knocking with exquisite sweetness, making us remember pieces of a past. that reopens the wounds again, that infects them and robs us of that balance that we had achieved so costly. Likewise, there is no shortage of people who remind us that “He who leaves without being kicked out returns without being called.” It is often questioned that we did not give a firm end to that relationship and that somehow, by not making things clear, we encouraged our ex-partners to return.

It is clear that it is not true. There are people who do not conceive of endings, who neither live nor let live and who even believe they have the full right to claim what they think is theirs. These are sometimes very harmful and even violent situations caused by a brain mechanism that is as complex as it is dangerous. So, Authors as famous as the anthropologist and biologist Helen Fisher tell us that there are people incapable of managing and tolerating an emotional breakup.

Their brains usually show hyperactivity in the tegmental ventricle and nucleus accumbens. They are regions related to addictions, obsessions and that reward system that is intensified by the excessive release of a very specific neurotransmitter: dopamine.

What do ex-partners usually look for when they return?

It is possible that our ex-partners return looking for what they already know, that is, they want to return to safe and reliable ground. in which they no longer need to show their best version, nor wait to become disenchanted with someone new. Of course, this is a reason that basically denotes emotional inability to be able to establish a healthy relationship from the ground up.

On the other hand, it is possible that That ex-partner who returns is romanticizing the past and remembering only the good things about the relationship. In this case, nostalgia may be motivating the decision to return, which is dangerous because it makes us forget the bad things and those compelling reasons that led to ending the relationship in the first place.

Finally, many exes return looking for what they obtained easily and effortlessly in the relationship, such as company, attention, affection and sex. The problem is that they miss these things, but they are not willing to give the same in return, so what guides their desire to return is a selfish desire that is inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings.

Let’s not open again doors that deserve to be closed forever

Sometimes our ex-partners come back when they are going through a bad time with their new partners. . It is something very common. Just when they don’t receive enough attention or when their ego reserves are at their lowest, they send a flowery enough message loaded with evocative nostalgia when we least expect it. And sometimes, we fall.

That we fall into the trap is understandable, that we follow the bait until we swallow it is not advisable. At the moment when they take different paths and each one rebuilds their life, it is not healthy for one to knock on the other’s door, filling with varnish what we have already left behind. It is also not worthy or acceptable to seek the attention of the ex-partner just when we do not feel sufficiently valued in a current relationship.

“Emotional terrorists” exist, and they exist in both sexes, it is clear. They come to us to destroy everything built after the breakup, they come with trick gifts, with words that are traps, with double-dealing flattery. We must therefore have a good sense of smell and an always updated radar to detect that ex-partner motivated by ego instead of love.to the person who is nourished by interests and not by authentic affections.

Every couple is different, we know it, and it is very possible that relationships we leave behind deserve a new opportunity.. That is something that each one must value with meticulous wisdom and never on impulse. However, if there is something that we must be clear about, it is that there are doors that do not deserve to be opened again, in fact, there are thresholds that should never have been crossed.

Since we did it, since we tried and lived an experience that left us more marks than smiles, Let’s be intelligent, let’s be cautious and lock up those who only see falsehoods.

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