When it’s hard to trust others

As social beings, people need to establish quality ties and connections with others.. However, relationships carry vulnerability. Getting emotionally involved with someone means giving them some power to betray or disappoint you. And since this happens not infrequently, it is understandable that we find it difficult to trust others.

Experiences leave their mark, and the one that comes from broken trust takes time to disappear. Afterwards we feel so vulnerable and exposed that we tend to raise a shield before ourselves. We are suspicious, distrustful, and deprive ourselves of the opportunity to get emotionally close to someone again. But the reality is that this shield, rather than protecting us, isolates us. And, given the importance of social relationships, it deprives us of happiness.

How is trust established?

The first bond in which we establish a relationship of trust is the maternal-filial bond.. We come into this world helpless and depend on the attention and care of our mother to ensure our survival and well-being. As she attends to our cries and covers our needs, we learn to trust. We understand that we are not alone, that someone watches over us and we develop in a safe way.

Otherwise, When the main attachment figure does not respond to the baby’s demands (or does so inconsistently), the baby learns not to trust. He understands that his emergencies will not be attended to when he needs it and he grows up feeling insecure. The child who experiences a bond of this type grows up to be a shy or excessively dependent person.

In the first case, the mother did not answer his calls and the little boy assumed that it was not worth continuing to place his expectations on her. He resigned himself and developed an avoidant and excessively independent personality, incapable of being vulnerable to others.

In the second case, the child only had his needs met on some occasions, so he lived surrounded by uncertainty. This was marked in his memory and He became a fearful adult, who constantly demands demonstrations of love and loyalty from others, because he cannot trust in which your love will be stable.

Broken trust

As we grow we continue to accumulate experiences and connections. What happens to our loved ones at each stage of life will also leave an imprint that will help shape our personality. Having loyal friends in childhood, faithful first loves in adolescence and, in general, healthy social relationships, greatly helps to strengthen the ability to trust others.

The problem occurs when one of our most significant people betrays us, disappoints us or fails us. The unexpected and intense nature of pain can leave us confused and paralyzed. Then the feeling of guilt, shame, anger or resentment appears.. And, immediately afterwards, the urgent need arises to defend ourselves at all costs from a possible similar situation in the future.

If we do not properly handle the breakdown of trust, we can become hostile and fearful people. We may make the mistake of trying to become cold and repeat the same behaviors that hurt us, thus harming others. Or, perhaps, our mistrust is so great that we refuse to share our intimacy with someone else.

Trusting others is worth it

The reality is that despite the pain we need to continue trusting. A lonely, isolated life full of resentment is an unhappy life.. Therefore, our best option is to accept the situation, go through the pain and relocate the experience so we can move forward.

Understand that emotions such as pain or disappointment are part of life, but that a past experience does not have to be repeated in the future. Try to learn something from that betrayal (perhaps learning to set limits or prioritize yourself) and trust again: You no longer start from scratch but from experience.

It’s not about giving yourself completely and without filters, carefully evaluate the type of people you want to surround yourself with. Check their values, how they treat others, how they talk about their previous relationships. But, Once you feel that this relationship is worth it, trust. Fear will not protect you from the bad that may happen, but it will prevent you from enjoying the good.

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