When friends disappoint us

Friendships also expire, they go out like the light of a firefly when it is discovered, like the first cold wind that brings autumn after summer. There are people who disappoint us, and the wound that that loss leaves hurts and angers us, there is no doubt; However, over time we learn and begin to be much more selective.

As curious as it may seem to us, the same thing happens with friendship as with love: We have the friends we think we deserve. It also has a lot to do with self-esteem, with our ability to put filters and understand that relationships, whatever type they are, are in turn dynamic entities that change and mutate like our own identities.

Now, there is no shortage of those who affirm that “Losing a love hurts, but losing a friendship kills.” It is as if somehow this bond based on complicity, on that intimate, spontaneous camaraderie and high emotional “nutrition” confers us with a support equal to or more significant than the relationship itself.

Well, it should be said that when it comes to studies on friendship and its processes, there are not too many of them, not as much as in emotional and relationship matters. The few works that exist in the field of social psychology tell us something very interesting as well as striking: Losing a friendship hurts as much as losing a love.

The study, published in the journal Epidemiology and Community Health, also pointed out that this sensation was experienced equally in both men and women. A friend is – for most people – an indispensable part of our daily lives, to the point that They are essential for our physical and emotional well-being.

Friendships that we don’t know how to end

Blanca is 40 years old and has decided to end a friendship that has lasted years. In fact, it has accompanied him all his life. She and Elisa grew up together because her mothers were already friends. That girl with brown eyes, long legs and a bossy voice soon became her refuge and her hell in equal parts.

When they were children, Elisa forced her to get involved in activities she didn’t want to. He broke one of her arms when he tried to climb that school wall with her because she told him to, it was with her that he shared the first confidences of her first loves. She was also the one who “stole” all the boys that Blanca noticed. Throughout all those years Blanca has had a codependent friendship with a manipulative personsomeone I didn’t know how to leave or how to say “stop taking advantage of me.”

It is very possible that more than one can identify with this small example, but the key question is Why is it so difficult for us to end a friendship that brings us more problems than benefits? These would be some explanations.

Reasons why we are reluctant to say “enough” to a friend

The first reason is simple: we think we owe loyalty to that person; perhaps because there are many shared experiences, many years spent together and many secrets kept. However, there is something we must be clear about.

In every relationship, whether as a couple or friendship, balance and reciprocity are recommended. Because loyalty towards someone is meaningless if there is no respectif there is no authentic correspondence.

The second aspect has to do with the idea that we can change others.. We tell ourselves that we have to be patient, that what happened today will not happen again if we give them a warning, if we tell them that this offends, that that hurts, that that other thing disappoints us…

Another aspect that is undoubtedly worrying and that affects many people is to think that we have the friends we deserve. We tell ourselves that we all “fail,” that we all have flaws and that sometimes it is normal to miss the mark or accidentally cause harm.

Even sometimes The fear of loneliness causes many people to carry highly harmful friendships on their backs., exhausting and toxic. It is not appropriate, and therefore it is necessary to remember the following: good friendships are those that make us better every day, that do not seek to change us but rather empower us as human beings, because we ourselves know that we deserve well-being, balance and happiness. .

Disappointment in a friendship means making a decision

Gretchen Rubin, author of an interesting work known as Goal: Happiness explains to us that many of us move through our daily lives with the feeling of being adrift. This concept is interesting, because as the author herself describes it, drifting curiously means making the decision to “not decide” about what we want and don’t want about our own life.

Not making or postponing decisions means living surrounded by an substitute for happiness where insignificant relational ties are attached, people who disappoint us time and time again and who we still keep by our side. We allow it out of loyalty or fear of being left alone, as we have previously pointed out.

We must be clear that Gone are those years of childhood and adolescence where we did not apply filters. Where we let anyone in because we were eager for experiences, emotions and new things. Maturing implies, above all, being selective and seeking quality in all our relationships.

Disappointments, if caused deliberately and repeatedly, give us an obvious clue about the human quality of that person. Let’s act and make a decision, even if it hurts, even if that friendship has accompanied us for half our life or our entire life.because if it hurts, if it hurts and burns our hearts, it is not friendship.

Let’s learn to be selective, to value real friendships, the most magical and exciting. Those that teach us, that they contribute to us and to whom we contribute, those that help us develop the best version of ourselves.

You might be interested…