What to do when the child asks for a little brother?

A good start is to understand what motivates your daughter’s insistence on having a sibling. One possibility, especially if she spends most of her time with adults, is that she feels lonely and imagines that another child in the house will keep her company. The demand can also be related to the perception that most of her friends (or, at least, those she most admires) have siblings. If so, she is likely to feel different and inferior to them. Hence, she fantasizes that the arrival of a baby will put her in the same status as her colleagues.

To understand what she thinks and feels, nothing better than talking directly. At this age, the little ones already express themselves well and can answer objective questions such as: “Why do you want a sibling?”, “Why do you think it would be good to have a baby?” and “What will change here at home when this brother arrives?” This conversation is important for gathering clues about the best way to approach the subject. If the child expects his brother to be someone he can play with whenever he wants, for example, the family should explain that babies cannot talk or walk by themselves, that they cry and require a lot of attention from their parents. These arguments contribute to bring her closer to reality and show that it will take time for this brother to become a revelry companion.

But whatever fantasies she harbors about the baby, don’t beat around the bush when informing her of her decision not to expand the family, at least for the time being. Spare the child long explanations with a philosophical, sociological or economic background. All she needs to know (and fast) is that she won’t be having a baby brother any time soon. That simple. Even if the reaction isn’t the best at first, don’t give in to the temptation to feed false hope or say you’ll rethink the matter if it’s not sincere. Frustrations are part of life and, in general, favor personal growth. Therefore, there is no reason to fear them, and it is up to parents to teach their children to deal positively with this feeling.

If you notice that your daughter needs more interaction with other children, create opportunities to encourage this interaction. Start, for example, by inviting classmates to spend a day with the family and taking them to parks and playgrounds. With or without siblings, nothing better than spontaneous play among peers to exercise important aspects of child development, such as cooperative relationships, the ability to share and tolerance, essential to life in society.

Ivete Gattas, physician at the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Unit at the Federal University of São Paulo.