What does psychology say about infidelity?

Infidelity implies, in most cases, a personal drama of great significance. It is the violation of trust in the couple, where commitment, desires, pacts, intimacy are undermined… This very common human experience causes infinite cracks in the heart, giving shape to situations that we do not always handle with the necessary effectiveness. .

There are many reasons why one of the members of the couple becomes unfaithful. Relationship experts remind us that these dynamics based on betrayal go far beyond character, personality or the existence of possible deficits in the relationship. However, be that as it may, the result is always the same: dissatisfaction, suffering, entrenched problems and the complex dilemma of how to act after said infidelity.

What are the causes of infidelity? This is what psychology tells us

We said it at the beginning: There is no exact cause that explains infidelity.. However, some common triggers have been identified in unfaithful people. Let’s see what psychology tells us about it..

Neurological factors

This information is interesting. There is increasing evidence of the implication of elevated testosterone as a predictor of infidelity. Dr. Sari van Anders, Ph.D. A clinical psychologist at the University of Michigan has conducted fascinating assessments of T (testosterone) levels in both men and women, discovering that the higher the levels of this hormone, the greater the desire to seek other sexual partners.

Types of attachment

Attachment is an emotional bond that allows a person to achieve or maintain proximity to another. John Bowlby’s attachment theory tells us that depending on the type of attachment with which we have been raised, it will determine a lower or higher risk when it comes to demonstrating behaviors based on infidelity.

An anxious attachment defines people who are most fearful of rejection, profiles with little or no impulse control. This is a risk factor when it comes to betraying emotional partners.A disorganized attachment. In this case we have those men and women incapable of authentically bonding with someone. They are unpredictable, lacking the emotional maturity with which to build a firm and secure commitment.

A study in married couples indicates that attachment anxiety positively predicts marital infidelity, while self-attachment avoidance is not related to infidelity.

Risk lovers

There are people who have a more pronounced sense of risk in their personality. Their dopamine levels are higher and they need those intense situations in which to do something forbidden, something exciting with which to intensify pleasure and satisfaction. Betraying your partner, having sexual encounters outside the relationship, are realities that generate great interest.

Power and economic level

On average, profiles with more power and higher income show a higher profile of infidelity. Not only because they have more opportunities, but because they often find like-minded people, people with the same social, psychological and motivational traits and attributes with whom to cross that line.

The results of a study showed that Power is positively associated with infidelity, as it increases confidence in the ability to attract partners. This association was found for both actual infidelity and future infidelity intentions.

On the other hand, research on couple relationships, infidelity and the economy indicates that Economic dependence increases the probability of infidelity in both men and women. According to the author of this study, there is a 5% chance that women who are financially dependent on their husbands will be unfaithful, while in men this chance is 15% (American Sociological Association, 2015).

sexual desire

Infidelity based on sexual desire is the most recurrent explanation. Our libido, the uncontrollable desire that has nothing to do with falling in love, It gives rise to situations where certain profiles take the step and commit infidelity. Other people, on the other hand, despite being aware of sexual attraction, give more value to the emotional pact made with the partner and do not cross that line.

Emotional infidelity

Today, in an increasingly online and hyperconnected world, this type of infidelity is very common: those based solely on the emotional component (without sexual contact). There are times when we start a friendship with someone that reaches more intimate and complicit levels than with our own partner. This is often due to the weight of routine, the need for something new, or simply the search for what we cannot find in our relationship.

The motivations for being unfaithful according to sex

Men are more likely to have affairs than women and often seek more sex or attention (Wang, 2018). Men express their love a more physical way, so, in many cases, sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy.

For its part, When women cheat, they are often trying to fill an emotional void (Tsapelas, Fisher and Aron, A, 2010). They tend to complain about disconnection and seek to be desired and appreciated. Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship.

Typically, an affair is most often a “transitional” partner for the woman. It’s like a way to end the relationship. She is seriously looking to end the relationship and this other person helps her achieve it.

In most cases, infidelity arises from personal dissatisfaction. That is, a feeling of unhappiness with one’s life. But when was this feeling born? On many occasions, this drags on long before meeting the partner with whom he has been unfaithful.

Frequently, dissatisfaction is the result of fears, insecurities and indecisionswhich make life go by without any incentive or personal meaning, since there is no daring to face, resolve and decide in the face of situations that make the person unhappy.

At other times, dissatisfaction increases within the relationship because the couple doesn’t work and no decisions are made. As a consequence, an increasingly distant, cold, and monotonous relationship is maintained; where the only solution that is intuited is avoidance and increased dissatisfaction.

However, as we have said, fidelity is one of the fundamental pillars that allow the stability of the relationship; and if this is broken, it will generate distrust, an important and necessary value for the couple to experience a safe place.

Within personal dissatisfaction, the dissatisfied person who reaches infidelity avoids its reality. Therefore, he does not dare to face her. Maybe because fears or a low personal self-concept. Hence, crises, friction and disagreements arise due to old unresolved conflicts, both on a personal level and as a couple.

For it, It is advisable to have the help of a professional who can guide the unfaithful person to address their internal reality, their self-esteem problems or their inability to build a firm and secure bond. In this way, you will know how to gain the courage and security that will help you make better decisions to lead a better, full and happy life.

What are the effects of infidelity?

From a behavioral point of view, psychologists Kristina Gordon and Donald Baucom cite the following effects when the deceived person discovers the infidelity:

Cognitive effects

One of the first reactions of the deceived person They are ruminations about what happened. These can become so overwhelming and uncontrollable that they can interfere with concentration and the ability to carry out normal daily functioning.

For its part, another of the most important responses associated with the discovery of infidelity is change in the way of seeing the unfaithful and the relationship. Well, trust is broken– both in this couple and in future ones – reaching the point of not feeling safe in a relationship.

Behavioral

Different reactions can occur. Among the most common are the manifestations of aggressiveness of the betrayedgenerating violence against the partner or against the third party.

On the other hand, Contact with the unfaithful person is also usually avoided, leading to immediate separation. As an avoidance of the suffering caused by infidelity and of the interrelationship in these circumstances.

Other behavioral reactions that may appear are: hypervigilance to ensure that the infidelity is overthe obsessive asking of questions probing what has happened, and communication with very high rates of aggressiveness.

Emotional

The emotional suffering is enormous. appear feelings of anger, ridicule, depression, anxiety, feeling of being a victim of someone very dear, etc..

The discovered sometimes can lead to depression associated with the loss of a loverto the partner, or to the variation of a status quo that was very beneficial.

Many authors consider that the emotional reactions that occur in the victim of infidelity They are similar to those that appear in post-traumatic stress disorder. Such as:

Difficulty sleeping, Irritability with outbursts of anger, Hypervigilance to ensure that problems will not occur again, An exaggerated fright response, A strong physiological reaction to stimuli that remind you of the betrayal, for example, movies, TV, comments, etc.

Research shows that infidelity can also cause increased anxiety and depression, in addition to stress.

The effects of infidelity are also seen in children. One study suggests that children with a parent who has had an affair may have trust issues in future romantic partners. Additionally, they tend to imitate in their adult relationships.

On the other hand, it has been found that women tend to be more distressed by emotional affairs and men tend to be more distressed by physical ones. This difference is reinforced by an extensive study on infidelity that had similar findings.

Is it possible for an unfaithful person to change their attitude?

An unfaithful person can stop being unfaithful as long as they have the will to have a stable relationship. If this is the case, It is best to receive the attention of a psychotherapist. help her…