Using children to manipulate your spouse

Unfortunately, many times a couple’s conflicts end up involving the children, although they have nothing to do with this adult problem. In these circumstances, and very frequently, minors are used to manipulate the spouse. The first thing to know is that this is considered a form of abuse.

Sometimes the resentment between parents is stronger than the love and responsibility they have towards their children. For this reason, and despite the serious damage they cause them, they end up using them to manipulate their spouse.

Generally, they try to get them as allies to harm the other parent or to further their interests. The parents They should know that this is a form of violence against minors.

Using children to manipulate one’s spouse has negative consequences on the psychological development of minors. Sometimes these kids will have to deal with the effects of this situation for life.

Manipulate the spouse through the children

The ways of using children to manipulate the spouse are very varied.. Sometimes they are subtle and other times explicit.

Dr. Ana Cristina de la Cruz, psychologist and professor at the National University of Córdoba (Argentina), as well as many other authors, defines these parents as “alienating parents.” Based on various studies, she points out that there are several behaviors that are typical of this type of parents. The most common are the following:

Refuse to give information about the children.Devalue and insult the other parent in front of the children.Make decisions about the children, without consulting the other parent. Involve the school in the problems.Prevent the children from talking to or seeing the other parent.Involve other family members or friends in your campaign to discredit the other parent. Threaten the children with punishment or similar, if they have a favorable attitude towards the other parent. Devalue the contributions or gifts that the other parent makes.Using the child to send messages to the other parent.Victimize oneself in front of the child so that he turns against the other parent.

In general terms, what it is about is limit the possibilities that the child has to build a healthy relationship with the other parent. Also to achieve individual purposes using the effect that children have on the spouse or ex-spouse.

The motivations of manipulative parents

It is obvious that the intention to manipulate the spouse, especially through the children, It is not born within the framework of a healthy relationship. The most common thing is that this type of behavior is adopted when there is a breakup or divorce, but it can also be implemented for the opposite: maintaining a deteriorated relationship.

In the first case, Typically, the manipulative parent has deep resentment toward his or her ex-spouse.. Sometimes because it was the other person who ended the relationship. Also because it is believed that one is at an economic disadvantage and the arrangements in this regard are not considered fair. Likewise, it is possible that there is jealousy because the other person has a new partner.

In the second case, it is often believed that using children to manipulate the spouse It is something that is done “for a good cause.”. In this case the situation is more complex because the children will feel emotionally committed to the goal of not allowing the relationship between their parents to end.

The consequences for children

The report, already cited by Dr. Ana Cristina de la Cruz, indicates that when one of the parents tries to keep their children away from the other parent, Feelings of anguish, uprooting, loneliness and frustration appear. In the most serious cases, depressive tendencies, thoughts of suicide, anger, helplessness, disorientation and chronic health disorders arise.

When the children are not physically distant from the other parent, but play a role in the couple crisis that their parents are experiencing, the feelings are not so different. However, In this case there may be a strong feeling of guiltsince they are delegated the mission of preventing the relationship between the parents from ending.

Many times they come to feel hatred for the other parent as a way to get out of the labyrinth in which they find themselves. This often leads to difficulties in identifying and expressing their feelings in their adult lives. Likewise, they usually transfer this instability to their own relationships in the future.

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