Toxic relationships: when your partner tells you that you are a bad person

Some relationships are wonderful to us. I mean those that help us become the best version of ourselves. But there are others that degrade us as people, where they hurt us and make us question our sanity.

The latter are “toxic relationships”, in which your partner manipulates you into believing that you cause all the problems.

If you feel that this could be your case, take a look at the following 12 signs of a toxic relationship, to detect if you are in one of them. Also, we will see what you can do next.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship and why does your partner tell you that you are a bad person?

1) Manipulates you by telling you that you are a bad person

Suppose your partner wants you to do something you don’t want. You tell him you don’t want to do that and then they start arguing.

After a while in which you have argued in a thousand ways why you do not want to do that thing, he begins to tell you that “You are a bad person.” In turn, he justifies it by telling you “You never cared for me and you only use me.”

Your partner resorts to this mechanism to make you feel guilty, because he has not found a way to convince you to do what he wants.

It’s really unfortunate that a person would do this.

Seeks to make you feel miserable, something that a couple who really loves you, would never seek to make you.

And to make matters worse, you can get him to do something against your will.

Clearly, a person who tells you that you are a bad person is by no means the one for you.

2) Disrespect during and after an argument

If you’re in a relationship where you both discuss and solve problems in the same way, that’s great.

But for most couples, each party has their own way of communicating.

Some prefer to back off during an argument and take time for themselves, while others prefer to tackle the problem head-on.

While the first few fights establish these differences, what happens next is very important to having a healthy and open relationship.

Your partner should respect your way of dealing with a problem and you should respect theirs, even if you don’t like it.

Many couples will try to meet somewhere in between and solve their communication problems in this way.

But a toxic partner will not try to communicate or commit to you.

Instead, they will force their way of solving problems on you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

This is not only disrespectful, but it is also a sign of controlling behavior.

3) Constantly keep track of the behavior of the other

We all make mistakes. But if we never let go of other people’s slips, the chances of having a healthy relationship become impossible.

If your partner constantly brings up mistakes you’ve made in the past, it can be extremely discouraging. You may feel like you can never get over the past.

Even more frustrating is the fact that those bugs should have been fixed the first time you discussed them. Not going back to these months or even years later.

In the end, if your partner isn’t willing to let go of the past, it might be time to let go.

Relationships must be the construction of a solid link towards the future. Not a drag on old bugs, as long as it’s convenient for your fight.

4) Playing the blame game

If your partner often blames you for their own mistakes, it’s clear that they are trying to avoid taking responsibility for their words or actions.

Even simple problems like leaving the bathroom light on can become part of the blame game.

It’s usually along the lines of, “I forgot to do it because YOU distracted me,” which instantly reverses the problem and takes the spotlight off.

John Kim of Psychology Today uses the term “property” when talking about avoiding taking the blame:

“If we never take ownership, the relationship becomes unbalanced and ultimately toxic. Ownership is what makes relationships grow. If people are not owners, they are not learning, expanding, or evolving. They are repeating patterns. They are living in the past.”

The victim may start to feel like they can’t do anything right. Everything they say is constantly returned to him.

In a healthy relationship, both partners must be open and willing to accept responsibility for their actions. After all, we are human and we make mistakes.

Otherwise, this relationship is bound to fail at some point.

5) He argues about his relationship with everyone but you

Communication is key. Without it, a relationship can turn toxic very quickly.

After an argument, a healthy couple will sit down together and work out their problems.

Even if they can’t fix it, they might agree to put it behind them and actively work through the problem.

A toxic partner will often rather talk to their friends or family than communicate with you.

This can lead you to feel abandoned and often hurt when you hear that your relationship problems are the gossip of the town.

It also indicates that he is not willing to solve problems together, which can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment within the relationship.

6) Envy or jealousy

It’s perfectly normal to experience a little envy from time to time, whether it’s from your partner, friends, or family.

But it becomes a problem if envy prevents you from thinking positively about your partner’s successes.

The same goes for jealousy. Yes, it is a perfectly natural human emotion. But when it becomes an obsession, leading to constant suspicion and mistrust, it can quickly begin to erode your relationship.

Remember that a strong bond with your partner is based on trust.

7) Feeling powerless and exhausted

When we think of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, we imagine a loving couple, flowing with each other’s energy.

If you feel drained and powerless in your relationship, it could be a sign that things are not going well.

This is especially exhausting, if it is due to your partner’s behavior towards you. This can include constant arguing or always finding fault with the things you do.

We often feel that we owe it to the relationship to try until the end, and in some cases, this is a wonderful goal.

But in the case of a toxic relationship, you have to put yourself first and recognize when problems start to affect you mentally and physically.

Insider’s Savannah Swain Wilson describes how a toxic relationship can affect you physically:

“Maybe you’re struggling to stay on your toes, because every one of your interactions with your partner has been an argument. In any case, if a relationship is causing you anxiety or other mental health problems, it is very possible that this will deplete your physical body of its energy.

Constantly feeling sad or without energy because of your partner is not normal in a healthy relationship.

Recognizing this early on can save you from a long battle later.

It often takes a long time to recover after a toxic relationship.

8) Tiptoe around your partner

Do you ever think twice before mentioning something to your partner?

Do you often prefer to keep quiet just to keep the peace in the relationship?

This may seem like a solution. But finally, this behavior will not help you, if it is a toxic person.

In a healthy and happy relationship, you should feel 100% comfortable talking to your partner.

Whether it’s something serious or a minor problem, it’s essential to have confidence that your partner will take your opinion into account.

In addition to respecting your thoughts and feelings, your partner should also be open to solving problems together, as a team.

9) The relationship results in a unilateral effort

For a relationship to be healthy, both people must put in the effort.

The old adage “a relationship is a full-time job” wasn’t too far off the mark.

Living, communicating and committing to your partner takes effort, every day.

If your partner often avoids making an effort with you or your relationship, this could be a sign of toxic behavior.

Of course, we all have bad days. It is not natural to always be connected 100% of the time.

However, you feel that your partner is not actively trying to resolve fights or respect your needs in the relationship. So this indicates that he is not interested in this relationship like you are.

10) Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior can often start out being almost sweet and protective.

For example, he may want you to come home straight from work, because they miss you.

It can also prevent you from meeting certain friends, because they don’t “seem” a good influence on you.

The list could go on, from what you wear to what time you can go out.

Kevin Thompson, a breakup and relationship expert featured on Lifehack, sums up the actions of a controlling couple:

“Essentially, a controlling partner will try to affect your behavior through negative reinforcement. Anytime you don’t give him your full attention, he’ll get angry and most likely start a fight or argument. A loving partner is more likely to be honest about their concerns, rather than indirectly with negative reinforcement.”

Often, it is our friends and family who notice these control patterns, rather than the victims.

So regardless of whether your partner likes your family or friends, it’s never a bad idea to listen to their advice. Especially if you start to notice a toxic trait, like control.

11) Breakup Threats

Threatening to break up and leave the relationship every time something goes wrong is a clear sign of a toxic relationship.

We could think it over in our head.

But threatening your partner can make them feel replaceable and worthless.

And this not only makes the argument worse, but is more or less a form of emotional blackmail.

It’s like telling the other person that if they don’t behave as you want, they’re out.

In a healthy relationship, both partners need to feel safe.

Arguments will ensue, but an engaged couple will try to work things out, rather than threaten their partner.

12) Abusive behavior

This may seem obvious, but it is often friends and family who begin to notice patterns of abuse, before the victim.

The question “why didn’t he leave the first time?” often arises when people hear that someone is being abused, whether verbal or physical.

On the topic of why emotional abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse, Emma-Marie Smith writes for HealthyPlace:

“Because emotional abuse is so subtle, the warning signs of impending abuse are hard to spot. Verbal abuse mostly happens behind closed doors and there are no black eyes, fingerprints, or broken bones. However, as victims, we…