The traumatic bond and its characteristics

Have you ever met someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship that they seem unwilling or unable to get out of? Or, have you observed how a person who suffered or is suffering abuse from her parents insists on maintaining the connection and justifying her actions? Before judging those who are immersed in this type of dynamic, it is important to know how the traumatic bond is created and how it works.

And if we are governed only by reason, it is evident that no one wants mistreatment, abuse or suffering for themselves. However, the brain is complex and the mechanisms that regulate mental functioning are also complex. For this reason, they can sometimes become the main enemies when it comes to leaving a toxic relationship, especially if you do not understand how they are operating.

If you want to discover more about this type of relationships and the reality that victims experience, we invite you to continue reading.

In traumatic bonding, the victim usually presents cognitive distortions that prevent him, along with other aspects, from leaving the bond.

What is trauma bond?

People learn to bond in early childhood, through interaction with parents or primary caregivers. Ideally, they provide us with the attention, security and responsiveness necessary so that we can trust, develop healthy self-esteem and bond in a healthy and interdependent way.

However, When these figures in which the child seeks security are also his aggressors, this dynamic goes awry.. The person grows considering that abuse is natural and learns to relate from fear, humiliation or abuse of power. He cannot flee or set physical or emotional limits with his caregivers, since he is totally dependent on them, so he sets in motion a series of psychological mechanisms to cope with the situation that bind him to the perpetrator through the traumatic bond.

This occurs when parents physically or psychologically abuse the child, when they are narcissistic or negligent, offer conditional love and use manipulation to its fullest extent. Thanks to the foundations laid in childhood, the person is likely to tend to repeat patterns in adulthoodreconnecting from imbalance, low self-esteem and dependency and choosing equally narcissistic or abusive partners.

Thus, the traumatic bond is a dependency that is generated between two people, in a relationship characterized by abuse, imbalance, and a feeling of intense connection. An attachment is created precisely towards the person inflicting the damage and a series of mechanisms take place that perpetuate this dynamic and prevent the victim from leaving.

Why is it maintained?

When asking ourselves why a person continues in this type of relationship, we often simplify the answer, appealing to economic, social or emotional dependence on the partner. And, although these factors undoubtedly contribute, It is the organic and cognitive processes that really maintain the traumatic bond.

In other words, it is the victim’s body and mind, and what happens in them, that prevent them from leaving. Mainly, the following elements influence:

The cycle of abuse

In this type of relationship, a dynamic is usually repeated that increasingly traps the victim and keeps them captive. It is the so-called cycle of abuse or cycle of violence, in which The tension builds until it explodes into aggression and a subsequent honeymoon.

When the victim reacts to some act of the couple and seems to want to leave, forgiveness, reconciliation and promises of change appear; only to start the cycle again in a short time.

However, and despite noticing that this pattern is repeated, the satisfaction of reconciliations and the effect of this intermittent reinforcement make it very difficult for the person to take action. And it is that His executioner also acts as savior, he is the one who causes the discomfort and at the same time provides relief, and this only creates great mental confusion and a traumatic bond that becomes increasingly stronger and more difficult to break.

Cognitive distortions

On the other hand, a series of cognitive biases and distortions take place in the victim that seek to make sense of that chaotic and painful experience. Mainly, cognitive dissonance intervenes, a psychological tension that is generated due to the abuse suffered and that ends in a series of justifications, rationalizations and other mechanisms to defend the aggressor partner and the relationship.

The person, who has low self-esteem, insecurity and a great need for validation, tends to belittle their suffering, to consider that they are exaggerating, that it is not a big deal or that they will be able to make their partner change, among other self-deceptions. This, furthermore, is reinforced by manipulation and gaslighting that the other party exercises and for their repetitive and empty promises of change.

The biological addiction to bonding

Beyond all of the above, the truth is that it has been discovered that biology also plays against us when it comes to the traumatic link. And it is that (during primary relationships in childhood) the brain gets used to a certain pattern of organic reactions and, therefore, continues to search for those same sensations in adulthood in new connections.

Mainly, the person who lives a childhood characterized by the traumatic bond experiences high levels of stress (and, therefore, cortisol) constantly or repetitively. Besides, The secretion of endorphins that results from episodes of aggression or stress becomes somewhat addictive. Thus, in the future, this person will seek to establish relationships with similar dynamics that allow them to obtain these same reactions and thus regulate their hormonal levels.

With all this, for the brain that has become addicted to this emotional and hormonal swing, leaving the relationship seems almost impossible. And it is, in fact, as complicated as overcoming substance addiction.

When the person carries out a traumatic bond, psychological therapy is necessary.

How to get out of the traumatic bond

In short, when a person suffers aggression or abuse, it is natural for them to flee from the perpetrator and seek support in their healthy relationships to achieve internal regulation. However, in the case of traumatic bonding, security is sought (and attachment is established) with the same person who exercises violence. Thus, faced with this internal tension due to incoherence, the victim rationalizes and justifies what happens due to his impossibility of getting out of that situation in a certain addictive way.

Since this bonding pattern usually comes from childhood and is deeply rooted, psychological support is usually necessary to achieve change. It is not just about leaving the unhealthy relationship (that too, of course), but about heal in oneself that which leads us to continue connecting in that way. Therefore, if you find yourself in this situation, do not hesitate to seek professional support.

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