The three griefs of adolescence: what your children say goodbye to at that stage

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Adolescence also involves losses. The body changes, and the rules of the game do too. Adults begin to be less understanding of mistakes, gradually inviting, if not imposing, an increasing number of responsibilities.

Accompanying and understanding a teenager is difficult, but it is more difficult to be one. When thinking about adolescence, some words with solid symbolic force arise in my mind: discovery, identity, transformation and mourning.

This is a particularly profound stage. The equation is simple: sudden and irreversible physical changes, identity crises and the fall of parents as ideals result in an emotional cocktail that includes a mixture of both pleasant and unpleasant sensations.

Regardless of their places of origin and the historical context in which they have lived, adolescents have always lived with a different intensity than other age groups. Let us keep in mind that they often experience changes that they are not prepared to face. How do you live this stage? What are the losses that must be overcome?

Definitions of adolescence

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), adolescence is the period of biological, psychological, sexual and social growth that occurs between the ages of 10 and 19, just after childhood and before adulthood.

The WHO distinguishes two stages: early and late adolescence. The first occurs between the ages of 10 and 14 and includes changes that, due to their rapidity, can cause great discomfort. For its part, late adolescence represents the period in which the most significant physical changes have already occurred and identity is more consolidated.

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Françoise Dolto, French doctor and psychoanalyst, describes this stage as a phase of mutation, while Arminda Aberastury contemplates mourning in her definition of adolescence.

“The stage of life in which the individual seeks to establish his or her adult identity, relying on the first internalized object-parent relationships, which in turn tend to the stability of the personality, which is only possible if one mourns for “childhood identity.”

-Arminda Aberastury-

The bodily changes that occur in adolescence are experienced as a complex and contradictory process.

The duels of adolescence

Arminda Aberastury was an Argentine psychoanalyst who translated the works of Melanie Klein, one of her main references, into Spanish and contributed a more than interesting contribution by saying that he teenager had to overcome three duels to become an adult.

It is worth clarifying that We understand grief as “the set of psychological processes that occur when faced with the loss of a loved object and that lead to giving it up.”

1. Mourning for the child’s body

As we all know, the appearance of a child is completely different from that of a teenager, even though the distance in time is not very great. It is enough to stop seeing them for a few months to have the feeling that we are dealing with totally different people.

Many adolescents experience bodily changes more quickly than they would like, which lead, among other things, to full genital development. Once the physical transformation has begun, it doesn’t take long for pubic and armpit hair to appear, a thick voice, as well as the much feared and hated acne..

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They often perceive these changes as extraneous, in front of which they feel like a spectator who can do nothing to influence the direction of the script (Aberastury and Knobel).

The child’s body has been lost, which can have deep-rooted psychological impacts. It is experienced as a complex and contradictory process, since the still infantile mind must learn to live with a body that is not harmonious and inconsistent at the level of present psychological maturity.

Abandonment to the irretrievable infantile body becomes necessary, while the no longer infant begins to appropriate the new one. At the same time, he tends to gain weight in his assessment of her identity, becoming a cause for concern.

2. Mourning over childhood roles and identities

The budding teenager will have to deal with a crossroads: has to take on more responsibilities than a child, but without the freedom that an adult may have. This is a delicate point that can leave a somewhat bitter aftertaste, enhanced because understanding in the face of certain errors is also softened.

Leaving aside the identity of a child means moving towards a new way of perceiving oneself. It requires accepting the imposed reality and uncertain evolution. That’s when The adolescent must assume certain functions in order to be accepted in certain social groups. The new identity is structured in the company of interpersonal relationships that help you adopt new roles.

Adolescents must assume new responsibilities, which implies mourning for the abandonment of the childhood role they had.

3. Grief for childhood parents

Children often idealize their parents, seeing them as absolute protectors and providers (they know everything and can do everything). They cure everything, they fix everything and they achieve everything. On the other hand, the adolescent witnesses how that ideal is broken. He discovers that his parents are also limited.

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On the other hand, the adolescent fluctuates between economic dependence and pseudo-independence due to having space and time available to a certain extent. He lives in an internal struggle between the child he is no longer and the adult he has not yet become. That is why, From the confrontation, he seeks to define his identity by differentiating himself from his parents, whom he now considers as a hindrance to his desires for autonomy and freedom.