The shame, the emotion that does not let be

“What will they think of me if I really explain how I feel?”“I hope you don’t ask me, I would have a terrible time if I had to answer in front of everyone” or “I am unable to speak in front of a large audience, I get too nervous” are very common expressions of those who have shame as a life companion.

Avoiding standing out, fleeing from any moment in which attention could be drawn, or rejecting invitations to give an opinion or carry out certain activities are mechanisms developed by this emotion. Shame wants us to become invisible and to do so, it is capable of implementing a thousand and one strategies. Now, what else is hidden behind this emotion? what is your background? Let’s dig deeper.

The obstacle of shame

Shame is the enemy of visibility, of presence. It is a difficult emotion that appears to hide who we are because fear and insecurity have informed it that we will have a bad time.

According to the doctor in psychology Mª José Pubill, The person who experiences shame lives in fear of others discovering their weaknesses.which are nothing other than being herself.

The origin of this emotion is usually found in an experience in which the person felt or was made to feel that it was not correct, that he did not behave as he should and that ultimately, his behavior was not normal. In this way, she was so marked by uselessness and invalidity that she avoids at all costs being imperfect or at least being considered that way by others. She is so afraid that, sometimes, the blockage arises as a defense to protect her, at the same time that she immerses herself in a deep state of frustration for not becoming the person she wants to become.

However, Being ashamed implies, on the one hand, experiencing emotions such as guilt and fear and, on the other hand, mechanisms such as perfection and control. to overcome the feeling of inadequacy. The problem is that beyond helping, they represent the opposite: an obstacle when it comes to growing and evolving.

However, if we go a little further we will realize that shame implies a lack of respect and tolerance for oneself and ultimately low self-esteem.

Shame and self-esteem: how are they related?

Shame is that fear of being, of showing what one is, to choose to be invisible to avoid being the target of criticism and classified as invalid. So experience this emotion implies a lack of respect and tolerance for oneself and therefore, low self-esteem as a result of being in the background.

Shame surrounds the person in a negative filter and self-hatred, from which he perceives himself as fragile and weak, while at the same time he gets angry about it.

So, Being ashamed is not feeling comfortable in your own skin, it is not recognizing yourself. and walk the path of disconfirming what one is in a progressive way. In this way, little by little the initiative to be the captain who directs the helm of one’s life, as well as the feeling of personal power, fades away.

Whoever experiences this emotion puts the assessment of themselves in the hands of others. because it is only capable of seeing itself through the eyes of others. He lives outward, thinking about what people will say, experiencing anxiety every time he perceives that he is not appropriate and disconnected from his interior. His scenario is full of suffering and demand.

Put aside fears to become visible

Although this emotion is considered one of the most complex, it is possible to work with it to reduce its prominence and make it disappear. However, How to defeat shame? Better said, what can we do to become visible, to value ourselves?

The first step begins by recognizing and accepting that we feel shame., that is, this emotion is part of our emotional universe. Once identified, the ideal is reflect on its consequences, on the weight it has in our lives and in what way it limits us, what prevents us from carrying out.

If we do it sincerely, we will discover that we have become invisible to our eyes and that We measure and value ourselves according to a scale established by others. The point is that there is no correct or adequate scale, but rather we establish it, as well as the steps and the path we want to follow.

The next step would be decide to get to know us, connect with us and show ourselves as we are, that is, begin to be visible. Now, it won’t be easy, especially if we have been hidden for many years behind a character who behaved as others expected. The good news is that it is never too late to give ourselves a chance and become our best friend.

Locate the situation from which it all began It can also help us, as it will provide us with information about when we suffer and demand more from ourselves. Furthermore, this starting point will be key to understanding the depth of our wound, which is none other than self-betrayal and the experience of believing we have failed others.

A very powerful exercise to make ourselves visible is to stand in front of a mirror. and observe ourselves without taking into account everything we think others think about us. What we see? As we are? What are our qualities? What does the person we are seeing need? The idea is to free ourselves from expectations, of those mental traps that prevent us from being ourselves and gaining security. We are not better or worse than anyone else and comparing ourselves is not the solution, but rather recognizing and feeling valid.

In some cases we may carry feelings of anger towards the person who initially reproached us for not doing well. To release it we can write or simply think about what we would say to that person. In this way, we will contact the burden of experiencing shame and then let go of it.

As we see, Being ashamed means much more than having a bad time at a given moment. This emotion leads us to be slaves to the expectations of others, to despise ourselves and, ultimately, to be invisible. Hence, learning to connect with ourselves to know and value ourselves is essential to gain security and keep in mind that it is not about being perfect but about integrity to savor well-being.

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