The lack of love and its traps

“To get the love of others, you must first love yourself.”. We have all heard this phrase hundreds of times. It is, so to speak, one of those great truths that would be impossible to dispute and refute. Loving ourselves is a fundamental condition for loving others.

Now, believe it or not, there is a problem with this mandate. It’s not as simple as making the decision: “Perfect. From now on I’m going to love myself. And from tomorrow, may others love me.” Having a good relationship with yourself can be a matter that often escapes our will.has nuances and nooks that we cannot illuminate from one day to the next.

On the other hand, something that we all undoubtedly understand is that the lack of self-love has consequences.. Especially in the area of ​​the couple, which is where our most intimate conflicts emerge. This is where we tend to feel most vulnerable and most disoriented.

Thus, psychologists as renowned as Carl Rogers pointed out that the main problem that people have is precisely not loving ourselves as we deserve. Our pending issue therefore requires that we invest in better skills in emotional and psychological material.

romantic fantasies

If the screws of self-esteem are not well adjusted, you probably tend to be infatuated. Apparently, Cupid is mean to you. He shoots his arrow at any stranger you see out there. “Love at first sight” You say, when you feel your heart beat hard when you see that stranger who steals your attention.

The charm that emanates from that unknown person is probably like a promise to you.. The omen of a happiness unknown until now for you. That feeling can be very strong and still false. Maybe there is genuine attraction. But as long as you don’t cross the border that separates fantasy from a real encounter with the other person, it is nothing more than an illusion.

If it happens to you frequently, don’t doubt it: what’s deep down is an issue to resolve with yourself, not with Cupid. Your attitude speaks of a lack. It is so strong that at one point you lose your sense of proportions and settle for filling that void even if it is with a lie.

These types of fantasies frequently occur in those who already have a history of failed loves. “Love dogs”, the kind that leave teeth and scars on the soul and not infrequently on the body as well. Loves, or supposed loves, that bring many more bitter moments into your life than moments of plenitude.

The mark of difficult loves

Conflict is the basis of the relationship in many couples. Harming others acquires such a strong intensity that it often becomes a substitute for intimacy.

Attacks are assumed as the opportunity to let the most visceral emotions emerge. A kind of catharsis at the expense of the other. A certain dose of pleasure is experienced, but accompanied by tons of pain.These types of relationships are the most difficult to end, precisely because they are built on emotional lack. To end these ties is to fall into the abyss of loneliness that the relationship conceals. “Nothing is worse,” you say to yourself. That is precisely the point: nothingness. The lack That place that remained empty forever, perhaps due to emotional needs that were not satisfied during childhood.That’s why you can feel that emptiness, absence, that “nothingness” is an intolerable feeling. What you don’t realize is that precisely what is lacking is what lies behind all those fights, those disagreements, those scenes of shouting and complaints.

If you find a partner willing to share with you that small everyday tragedy, they have surely gotten involved together precisely because they have a similar problem. This person also desperately seeks links that help him avoid his shortcomings. To postpone the task of reconciling with yourself, with your history.

We all deserve healthy love

The problem is that if you let yourself be seduced by those siren songs, you will be giving up the possibility of building real love. The one that makes you feel worth it. The kind of relationship that gives you security instead of stealing it from you. That bond that is built on mutual acceptance, the will to understand and respect.

You better decide once and for all to be good to yourself. May you learn to recognize those traps with which you yourself make your progress impossible. Remember that life is a blink of an eye. It is not worth dedicating it to fantasies or torments that, you know deep down, in the end they will only leave you nostalgic for the useless time you invested in them.

Self-esteem as a nutrient for happy relationships

From evolutionary psychology, authors such as Christopher Bale and John Archer, University of Huddersfield, carried out a study to demonstrate an aspect that should invite us to deep reflection.

Self-esteem is considered to be an essential psychological value in our evolution as human beings.. Only when a person feels good about themselves, values ​​themselves and perceives themselves as someone deserving of love, respect, attention and happiness, is they able to create stronger and happier bonds.

Therefore, Self-love and self-esteem are nutrients in our relationships. Cultivating them and working on them daily will allow us to enjoy that authentic love, which does not hurt and enriches us.

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