The phrases we shouldn’t say when raising a child, according to an experienced psychologist

“All problems start in childhood.” This phrase has already become a kind of cliché, but even so, it is rare for parents to stop to think that they themselves create difficulties for their children. Caring fathers and loving mothers often utter seemingly harmless phrases, but with serious long-term consequences.

My name is Natalia Barabash, I am a pedagogue and psychologist. I’ve been working with parents and children for over 20 years, and after so long I’ve put together a list of statements that don’t help in raising a child.

I would like to show you what thes phrases that parents should exclude from their day-to-day communication. They are often used automatically, but they bring many stereotypes and are a major obstacle for a child to achieve the long-awaited happiness.

There are many other words that could come in place of ‘chubby’, such as ball, cuddly, skinny, etc. All these nicknames are often said with tenderness and therefore people think they are harmless.

It so happens that the constant emphasis on aspects physiological of a child causes him to artificially create some taboos that are difficult to eliminate. These processes can lead to the development of complicated problems such as obesity, bulimia, anorexia, sports fanaticism, etc. In general, a child never forgets the way his parents called him when he was little, and this can end up in very unpleasant memories.

These types of affirmations are usually accompanied by other phrases, such as: “feel like a woman” or “don’t cry, you’re a man”, and so on. Is it really necessary to link behavior to gender?

If a girl wants to sit with her feet on the chair, or with her legs slightly apart, does that make her less of a woman? And if a man starts crying, is that really what makes him a man? These comments create a lot of confusion in children’s heads, causing them to turn into adults who are always striving to live up to expectations regarding their gender. Or people who exaggerate in the way they behave.

When raising a child, the problem is not only excessive rigidity, but also an exaggerated way of allowing certain things. Many parents choose not to blame sons who make too much noise, or who behave like real vandals. On the other hand, many daughters can be capricious because that’s normal for a woman.

When they reach adulthood, these people end up having difficulties accepting social rules. uA young man who as a child could break everything thinks he can hit someone else just because he’s a man. And a girl who achieved everything through tears and screams might end up resorting to this same technique as an adult. It does not work.

When we talk about education in these terms, we reverse priorities and place less importance on self-development and more importance on qualifications.

In addition to striving to get the best grades in school using all possible means – some quite questionable – this way of acting affects a person’s adult life, making him completely dependent on other people’s opinions. As a result, there is a risk that the adult does not have an opinion of his own about his own life, about his tastes and interests.

Or conversely: “Why did he hit you?” Of course, it’s important to understand what caused two people to start fighting, but by asking a question like this, we’re saying that violence can be justified. That is, tell me why you used violent methods and I will tell you whether or not it is justifiable. This makes the punishment come only when there was no reason (because if the person deserved the violence, the one who attacked does not need to be punished). That is, in this case, whoever attacked did well.

The stereotype of possibly deserved violence creates in the child a future victim of aggressors. Here it is important to know that a child victim can assume the role of aggressor, and both roles are equally toxic.

Any compliment that starts with ‘but’ is dangerous. Yes, it’s a way of showing the child what their strengths are, but at the same time emphasizing what they don’t have and what adults usually believe they never will.

The adult whose parents during childhood supported him with ‘but’ mishandle his ‘problematic’ characteristics. The smart correct the whole world, the strong think they can always do more than others, and so on. These people are often very irritating because of their overconfidence, but they actually hide behind this feeling.

Here we see almost the same story as the ‘but’, though a little worse. The positive focus is not on a personality trait, but on the other person. The daughter, in this case, is of no value, and does not even have the need to develop her skills to attract a good husband.

By forming this type of value, the woman starts to relate success with marriage. And even if she finds a good husband, she will never be able to look at her actions fairly with herself, always putting up with all kinds of injustice. Is this what parents want for their daughters?

To begin with, men and women need love, affection, affection and understanding. Only in a calm context can a child understand who he is, without being anxious or fearful. Many parents who end up raising their sons as males don’t realize that their boys have become intransigent and cruel people.

All this affects the formation of your character. Insensitivity and brutality come to be seen as normal. When a child receives such an education, he simply does not learn how to show his emotions. Some people might call this a ‘hard character’, but it’s important to know that it often leads to an inability to feel and look at the feelings of others and oneself.

It is impossible to comment on all the expressions that negatively affect the life of a son or daughter. Today, we brought you some points and we want you to finish this list from your own concepts of what is most appropriate. As you can see, in most cases the negative effect of a toxic sentence is easy to predict, just think with a little logic, always keeping alive the desire to raise a healthy and happy child.

An advice: start with those phrases that were told to you by your parents. Look at them and think about whether or not your child is able to understand their meanings. Remember how you felt when you heard these phrases during your childhood and think about whether you want your son or daughter to feel the same way.

Share your opinion on this topic in the comments. Tell us what phrases you think a father and mother should eliminate from everyday life when raising a child. we, from awesome.clubwe would love to hear a little about your experience with this topic.