The martyr complex: what is behind it?

There are people who put others before themselves, even who systematically consider other people’s experiences to be more important than their own. Thus, these people end up adopting the role of victim: They are the ones who suffer the most around them and in a very intense way.. This way of experiencing life is what is called the martyr complex.

From psychology, it is understood that adopting this attitude is done practically voluntarily, seeking in a certain way suffering and feeling “persecuted”, since it feeds certain psychological needs. It is common to see that the martyr complex is justified under the excuse of love, duty or sacrifice.

Curiously, the search for this suffering also leads the martyr to feel better about himself in a certain way. In the way you see the world, awarding that penalty is an act of kindness, because it avoids it for another person or makes them more valuable. However, it is a self-destructive pattern, as it leads you to ignore your own needs and encounter, and perpetrate, situations that cause you distress.

How does a martyr behave?

To identify a person who may be suffering from this complex, you must pay attention to various behaviors, thoughts and values. Among them:

They consider themselves good people, heroes or saints. Instead, they see others as selfish or insensitive people, who do not value the effort they are making. They tend to exaggerate their level of suffering to give the image of a self-sacrificing person. Furthermore, in their speech they seek the attention and recognition of those who listen to them.They usually have low self-esteem. This is reflected in the fact that they often report that they do not believe they are worthy or deserving of love or that they tend to undervalue their personality.They have difficulty saying no and setting limits. This leads them to load themselves with more “favors”, tasks or to fall into abusive relationships. On the other hand, there are some martyrs who, curiously, end up becoming manipulators. They take advantage of their situation as a victim to do some emotional blackmail and get what they want from others.They do not implement strategies to solve their problems and, even if these are resolved at some point, new ones will always arise to mourn.They tend to look for ways to show their kindness and good intentions.at the same time they generate situations in which the other person appears to be the “bad guy.”They are often disappointed when they see the reaction of others when they do something for them. Although they do not owe it to others to get something in return, they are often not happy with how they react, since deep down they hope that the other will admire them for their behavior.

How to act with a martyr?

Relating to a person who has a martyr complex It is not an easy task. He constantly expresses how bad things are going for him and that can seriously affect us.

Besides, It can make us feel indebted if we receive many offers of help. To deal with this, it is advisable to implement three simple strategies:

Do not accept favors or other behaviors in our favor that the other may understand as a sacrifice. The more we receive from a martyr, the more likely it is that the martyr will feel disappointed in us, which can lead to conflicts in the future. However, it is not a question of rejecting everything, but of assessing when it is really necessary and trying to lead the person to his own self-sufficiency. When he transmits his feelings of grief and victimhood to you, do not contribute to it. Try not to fall into compassion or reinforce anguish. Try to make comments that highlight a positive outcome. Have a conversation. If that person is important to you, you can try to have a conversation explaining that their behaviors don’t make you feel good, nor are they beneficial to her. At first, her reaction will be defensive, but if she speaks calmly, appreciating her efforts and offering solutions, you can help her.

What if the martyr is you?

More difficult than treating someone with a martyr complex is realizing that you yourself have that role. If you suspect that you may be the one acting this way, evaluate your behavior in the following aspects:

You are bothered, in any way, by how others react when you do something for them. O well, you think that others do not react as they “should” do it. you say yeswhen you really want to say no. When you offer yourself for something without being able to carry it out, you end up making some excuse.If you said no, you worry that others will replace you or be valued better than you.You are one of the people who quickly offer to helpwithout carefully evaluating the options you have. You feel that you put others before to yourself.

If you are a martyr, what can you do to change it?

First, notice and recognize that something is happening It is the most important step for change. Then, it’s about understanding and looking for other ways to act that won’t make you a worse person.

Being accepted or loved is not determined by what you do, but by who you are.. Striving to please and satisfy everyone’s needs is a mental and vital burden that leads nowhere.

In your relationships, look for different ways to interact. Take on a different role. If until now you were at the expense of what others said or did, perhaps it is time to take the initiative, your own decisions and start looking out for yourself.

Something fundamental is that in this process of change you consider whether it is a way of relating in a balanced way, thinking about whether you are placing yourself above, below or next to the other.

And above all, assume your responsibilities and respect the freedom of others. It is time to accept your mistakes and understand that each person reacts and understands life in a different way. Thus, yours cannot depend on them.

Finally, talk to others about your change process. They will surely understand and value it, helping to make it easier and more bearable. Nevertheless, Be patient. There will be people who perhaps took advantage of that situation or who will simply need more time to adapt to your new way of acting.

You might be interested…