How attachment style influences our sexual desire

Sex is part of our natural ecosystem. However, the fact that it is in our nature, in the sense that we have really sophisticated mechanisms for this function, does not mean that it is an easy act of difficulties.

What the studies tell us is that Problems often stem from unhealthy attachment styles.which directly attack trust and complicity in the very development of sexual relations, in addition to expectations or the interpretation of what happens.

Attachment is ‘the fondness for something or someone’ and sexual desire is ‘the impulse or root of the most various manifestations of psychic activity’ or ‘the desire for sexual pleasure’. Both concepts are related, in fact, we can see it evident in our daily lives.

For example, when a person depends on another, although they know that it is not convenient for them or when someone has a partner with whom they suffer when having a sexual relationship, but pretends to please the other.

The way we have learned to relate influences how we do it in the sexual field.

Types of attachment

The ability to establish links can occur in different ways, depending on the experiences we have had and our personal characteristics, among other variables.

John Bowlby, an English psychoanalyst, developed the theory of attachment, highlighting that there are different types and that these are essential in the behavior and development of the human being. Also, Mary Ainsworth, an American psychologist, contributed to this theory, who added, the study in the laboratory to see how the interaction between the child’s main caregiver and a stranger occurs in a family environment.

So, Attachment theory emerged from the analysis of how a child relates to his or her caregiver.. There is a certain consensus when it comes to talking about the following types of attachment:

secure attachment. The child learns to create relationships of trust with others.Anxious and ambivalent attachment. The child learns that he has no influence on the behavior of others. Her parents appear attentive or indifferent without the child being able to establish an association with her behavior.Avoidant attachment. The parents are not available and the child learns that she cannot count on others.disorganized attachment. It is a mix between anxious and avoidant attachment and is caused by insecure or negligent behavior of the parents.

Attachment and sexual desire, how are they related?

How we have learned to relate influences how we do it on a sexual level. In this sense, Attaky, Kok & Dewitte (2021) studied differences in desire and its association with sexual satisfaction; Furthermore, they also tried to understand how these relationships are sensitive to the type of attachment.

They studied 100 couples and the findings suggested that when levels of sexual desire were higher, they were associated with lower avoidant attachment scores.

On the other hand, when the attachment style identified was anxious, there was greater desire. The findings of this study suggest that people with greater avoidant attachment have less interest in sex as a way to avoid intimacy, while those with greater anxious attachment use sex as a way of connection or comfort.

Other studies also support this idea, proposing that avoidant attachment is related to intimacy problems and self-sufficiency behaviors, which causes sexual problems in the relationship; and lower sexual desire. Therefore, people with this type of attachment may depend more on masturbation and pornography.

While people with anxious attachment need to be validated by others, so they will tend to please their partners to satisfy their own needs for acceptance. Therefore, they usually have a greater sexual desire related to that need. So, People with avoidant and anxious attachment may have problems in sexual relationships.

What happens to people who have secure attachment?

As they have developed skills to identify that everyone can have different perspectives, be with their own emotions and have strong boundaries, They tend to trust their instincts and be more assertive with sexual desire.

So, securely attached people can develop lower or higher sexual desire, taking into account their intentions and reading those of others.

Securely attached people develop their sexual desire taking into account themselves, but also others.

Attachment and sexual desire: establishing a healthy path

By stating that the bond we develop with our main caregiver in childhood conditions our sexual desire, it can project the idea that We are destined to form toxic or healthy relationships or not depending on the type of attachment we have developed. However, it will not always be like this.

The good news is that we have some tools with which we can act on this potential relationship. They would be the following:

Learn to regulate emotions. If you are more avoidant, it may be beneficial to increase the intensity of your emotions. If you are anxious, learn to reduce emotional intensity.Control impulsivity. Learn to delay taking action, and pause before initiating or agreeing to have sex.Communicate. Asking questions to gain greater perspective and understanding of the other’s point of view.Separate emotions from perceptions. The dating partner’s.

In short, the type of attachment can determine sexual desire. People with insecure attachment tend to have more problems, for example, those with anxious attachment, fearing abandonment, want to completely merge with their partner, which causes them to crave space and have a higher sexual desire.

While People with avoidant attachment, fearing rejection, have difficulty expressing their feelings and avoid intimacy; Therefore, they will have a lower sexual desire. Incredible true?

Identifying our type of attachment will help us know what patterns we fall into. and put will. Furthermore, being attentive to self-knowledge will help us establish healthy sexual relationships, taking into account our authentic sexual desire and without leaving the other aside.

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