The manual of constructive criticism: what it is, how to identify it, how to deal with it and how to do it

Who has never heard or made, at least once in their lives, a criticism of someone? Can you remember what this criticism was like: was it well received or did it generate some discomfort?

The meaning of the word “criticize”, according to the dictionary, is: to point out defects; to speak ill of (someone or something); depreciate; censor. But is criticism, then, always that bad? Or, in fact, there are those that are “constructive”, that come “to add”, to do good to another person?!

Mario Louzã, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, comments that a critique consists of a judgment of something, a process of discerning something. “Although in philosophy the term ‘criticism’ did not have in its origin the idea of ​​something negative, the word acquired this connotation and, when we speak of criticism, it is always a matter of a judgment of something ‘wrong’ (the antonym would be the praise )”, it says. However, for the doctor, a well-made criticism can indeed bring good results.

Lizandra Arita, a specialist in clinical and institutional psychologists, explains that she does not agree with this established concept of constructive criticism. “Criticism is criticism. The meaning of the word, in the dictionary, already explains it. And normally the criticism comes because we don’t accept something that the other did or that he didn’t do the way we would like him to do it,” she says.

“Criticism has a background in some emotional issues, such as expectations of others or something and the need for control. As people do not do what we would like, we criticize. Or if she does, but doesn’t do it the way we would like her to do it, we criticize. And if she did better, we criticize her”, comments the psychologist.

For Lizandra, the most appropriate thing is to talk about suggestion (which would be a concept closer to such constructive criticism). “When I suggest something to the other, in the sense of teaching, of explaining, I really want good and growth. After all, suggesting is not an imposition. The suggestion respects people’s free will. The suggestion gives the other the option to comply or not. When I teach a person something, for something that could be better, I really want it to be better. They are very different concepts, triggered by different sensations within us,” she explains.

In this sense, you check out the professionals’ tips precisely so that constructive criticism is made (and seen) as a (constructive) suggestion and not as something empty that depreciates, censors or simply points out defects in the next.

Benefits of constructive criticism

A constructive criticism/suggestion only has a chance of being well received when it is well made/placed. And the first step, perhaps, is to think exactly in which situations it can be done.

For Lizandra, suggestions for improvement can be made in two situations:

• “The first is when the person asks for our opinion, asks for our help or requests a suggestion. So yes, we are triggered by the other, we have his permission, and we can make a suggestion, indicating a better path than what has already been adopted. This is a sign of respect, after all, no one knows our life better than ourselves. Intervening in the choices of others is a lack of respect and no one has the right to do that”, explains the psychologist.
• “The second case is when the attitudes of the other have a direct impact on us. For example, in a love relationship. If the husband’s attitudes reflect on the woman’s life, she can talk and suggest new paths or changes, if something doesn’t go well”, explains Lizandra.

“In both situations, it is worth mentioning, respect, tranquility and politeness go very well, because even good suggestions for change can be uncomfortable and hurt the other. Therefore, care is needed in this situation, so as not to hurt people unnecessarily”, highlights the psychologist.

Taking into account that the constructive criticism/suggestion is well placed and made at the right time, its advantages are many:

1. Broaden horizons to have a less self-absorbed vision

For Louzã, a well-made critique, with a good analysis of the object of the critique and often with an alternative view to the one that the “criticized” has, can broaden the horizon and help him to improve some aspect of himself or of something he is doing. or developing. “It is an external look that is often more objective than that of the person being criticized, since he often adopts the ‘mother owl’ attitude of his idea or of what he is developing, not perceiving or not seeing other possible angles”, he says.

Lizandra highlights that making a constructive suggestion can help the other person to have a less self-absorbed (egocentric/inward-turned) view. “In other words, it’s about someone who sees attitudes from outside of emotion, bringing more clarity, enlightenment, and freedom from emotions,” she says.

2. Guiding in moments of despair

“There are moments when despair takes over the subject and he cannot see anything in front of him, because some sensations, such as fear, insecurity and rejection, blind him and take him out of his rationality, leaving everything at an unconscious level, or that is, only in the realm of emotions. So, if at this moment there is someone who can give clear and objective guidance, helping to resolve the impasse, it is a great relief”, explains Lizandra.

3. Share positive personal experiences

“This is a positive attitude, as it is not invasive and respects the individuality and choice of others. When we talk about our experiences, how we act, how we accomplish such a feat, what resources we use to achieve goals and what we feel, we show the other what worked for us. If this works for the other and wants to mirror himself, it’s his choice. This behavior minimizes that bad habit that some have of saying ‘if I were you’”, highlights the psychologist.

4. Strengthen relationships

A constructive criticism/suggestion can undoubtedly strengthen relationships. When the suggestion is well placed, it implies its intentions – which are positive, in the sense of helping, showing new paths, sharing experiences, wishing well.

A constructive criticism/suggestion is quite different from an empty criticism or even from a criticism that carries malice, envy, that depreciates the next and does not show the slightest intention to help.

Despite the advantages of constructive criticism/suggestion, it is good to know that it can be received by others in different ways. Assessing the degree of intimacy with the person, thinking about the way in which you are going to speak, being open to dialogue (after making the criticism/suggestion) are just some of the measures that help the criticism/suggestion to be well received.

Constructive Criticism vs Destructive Criticism

It is essential to understand the differences between making a constructive criticism/suggestion and making an empty, unnecessary, offensive criticism. Evaluate:

The difference is in the words

“It is possible to say the same thing in a more elaborate, delicate way, using more elegant or polite terms, using euphemisms, or I can say something dry, raw, without mincing words, using foul or offensive terms”, comments Louzã. And it is worth remembering that common sense and politeness are essential, regardless of the degree of intimacy you have with the person and/or even if they ask for your opinion…

In a hypothetical situation: your sister tries on a dress, she seems to like it, but you want to give your opinion about it. Check out the difference between the first (destructive) and second (constructive) sentence:

Destructive criticism:

“You look awful in that dress… Don’t leave the house like that, I’m saying this for your own good!”

Constructive criticism:

“I don’t think this dress turned out so cool… How about trying on that other one so we can compare?!”

Sincerity is valid, but the secret is in the choice of words. Choose a clear but gentle way to place the points you want.

The sincere desire to help (not belittle)

Lizandra emphasizes that constructive suggestion is based on the sincere desire to help the other, to see their improvement, their growth, giving options for real, clear and objective attitudes for better paths. “She doesn’t exclude, she doesn’t judge, she doesn’t belittle, she doesn’t minimize,” she says.

Criticism, on the other hand, is always destructive when it points out defects, depreciates and censors, without giving options for resolute attitudes. “Criticism is loaded with judgment, totally based on the emotions that the other triggers in the person criticizing and not on the sincere desire to help”, says the psychologist.

Below, Lizandra exemplifies how a suggestion can be made constructively versus destructive criticism.

About children…

Constructive suggestion:

“I started offering the pacifier to my son, so he slept better. Maybe, if you thought it was good, it could also be nice for your baby, as he would have a satiated need for sucking.”

Destructive criticism:

“You have to give this child the pacifier right away, it doesn’t come out of your chest, it’s already too big to hang on your chest. Wow, at that age my son was already sleeping all night and his still waking up every two hours? Also, he doesn’t give the pacifier, that’s what gives…”.

About finance…

Constructive suggestion:

“There are some interesting options for people to settle their debts… Renegotiate with the bank, cut off the credit card and stop using check sheets. It may be that, if you think it’s cool, one of these paths will help you”.

Destructive criticism:

“If you keep using your credit card that much, you’re going to keep drowning in debt. I told you, it’s all wrong. Check is also another hole, because you don’t see how many sheets you sign. The more you use these two forms of payment, the more you will sink into debt.”

About traffic laws…

Constructive suggestion:

“There’s a really cool technique that works so you don’t forget to put your seatbelt in the car. Leave a post-it with a ‘Belt Seatbelt’ notice on the sunshade in front of your seat. That way, you won’t forget and you’ll stop getting traffic tickets.”

Destructive criticism:

“Oh, but if you don’t put your seat belt on, of course you’ll get a fine. The law is for everyone. You made a mistake, now you’ll have to feel it in your pocket, who knows?!”

The difference is also in the way of expressing

Louzã comments that a sentence can be said with intonations or using facial expressions that indicate displeasure, repudiation, offense or irony. In this sense, it is far from constructive criticism.

In a hypothetical situation, the person arrives for lunch at home and, seeing that the main dish is chicken, says to the person who made the food, with total displeasure: “Wow, chicken again?! We already ate chicken yesterday! You need to take a cooking course, huh?”

This can be said, as long as using the right words and, above all, in a gentle way, without expressions or intonations that cause embarrassment, that offend: “I’m a little sick of chicken, we can look up some recipe ideas for a change, the what do you think?”

It is always good to remember that, no matter how intimate you are with someone, education must come first. And, above all, what sincerity not…