The main reason you’re dating an emotional psychopath

One of the biggest obstacles to having a healthy and happy relationship is choosing the wrong person to date.

This number isn’t exact, but I’ve found that 95% of a relationship’s success is determined before you even enter the relationship. It’s all about who you choose. There are a lot of red flags to keep in mind, but there is one that trumps everything else.

I’ve dated this type of person and the ramifications of their sense of self-worth can be devastating.

So what is the quality to look out for?

It’s just that nothing is his/her fault.

Whenever there’s a problem, it’s your fault. If you’re hurt over something, it’s your fault because you’re too sensitive. If he/she does something wrong, it’s your fault because you made him/her upset.

I started thinking about this a lot a few months ago when I was stuck in traffic with a divorcee and a social worker (both close friends). We started talking about personality disorders, because the divorcee (who is now happily married to a wonderful man) strongly suspects her ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or something similar. The social worker explained that the biggest sign of an emotional psychopath is inability to see things from the other person’s point of view.

They cannot understand why something might upset you or why you might get hurt because of something, and they make you feel ashamed of your feelings, they make you feel somehow defective or bad and that’s a problem you need to fix.

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The whole conversation brought up a lot on my mind because I’ve been in a relationship like this before, and it made me feel like I was absolutely crazy!

I felt like my emotions had malfunctioned to the point where I felt the wrong things at the wrong times, because that’s how she made me feel.

I started to think that maybe I didn’t know how to communicate properly because it seemed like she could never understand what I was saying or where I was coming from. I thought I was the problem and that was a horrible, crippling feeling.

I felt like I was running on an endless treadmill trying to fix a problem that just couldn’t be fixed. And there were times when I questioned my own sanity.

Her insults never felt like insults, so when I got upset with her, she made me feel like I was crazy. Like the time she told me that she only chose me because she knew she could never “reproduce” with someone like me. Yes, that’s exactly what she said. She didn’t think she wanted to have kids and thought a party girl like me would be the perfect partner to hang out with and never, ever have kids. I was shocked and devastated and she just couldn’t understand.

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“I’m not saying this is bad,” he explained gently. “But… honestly, you think you’re the kind of person who is cut out to be a husband and father,” she said.

And then, instead of being upset with her, I questioned myself. Wow, I’m torn apart. I am fatally flawed. Nobody will ever want me. It’s a good thing I have her in my life because no one will want me…

And that’s why we’ve been together for so long. That’s what kept us going, even though I knew I deserved someone better.

This is how the mind of an emotional psychopath works

No matter what, nothing is his fault. There are no excuses. There is no empathy. There’s no way to see things from his perspective. If you have a problem, it’s your problem. If you’re upset about something he’s said or done, it’s because you’re remembering past things or being too sensitive. It’s always you, never him.

I’m not saying that every person who does this is an emotional psychopath, sometimes they are highly immature and need to develop their emotional intelligence a little more. But this situation can be highly toxic and emotionally abusive. And sometimes we don’t even see it until we’re out and by then it might be too late.

It’s not always the easiest thing to see things from someone else’s perspective, because our default setting is to be selfish. Going beyond yourself and having a refined sense of empathy can be a challenge. So you can take responsibility when you’re wrong. It’s not always an easy thing to do, but most of us are willing and able to do it.

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If a person can’t or won’t take responsibility for trying to see things from your perspective, then that’s a big warning sign that you should get out of the relationship. The deeper you go into this relationship, the more difficult it will be.

Don’t close your eyes. Don’t convince yourself that something is better than nothing. Don’t be fooled into believing that you’ll never find someone better. The longer you allow these beliefs to penetrate your life, the more tightly they will become attached to your psyche and the harder it will be to let go of them in the future.

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