The invisibility and loneliness of the LBGT elderly population

Otto Santo, 59, always noticed that there was “something different” about his personality. He was a young athlete from the 1980s, who, when he could no longer deal with duality and the discovery of his sexuality, traveled to the United States, which at the time was fertile ground for the movement. LGBT🇧🇷

Upon returning to Brazil, he met Mauro, who was 14 years older than him, and according to Otto, it was love at first sight. “We exchanged glances, it looked like a switch had turned on. We got to know each other and little by little everything got more serious”, he explains. Mauro, in turn, had an important professional position and lived among politicians – which meant that the couple was as discreet as possible, for fear of possible scandals.

The two lived together for 33 years, traveling and seeing the world. But on November 13, 2018, Mauro fell ill and was taken to the hospital by Otto. The farewell between the two did not happen, because three hours later, Mauro died, aged 70. “I heard phrases that no one should say to another person who just lost a loved one. Things like ‘it’s over, it’s over, you’d better get back on your feet and get on with your life’”, recalls Otto, who was prevented by his family from feeling the loss of his partner.

“The fact that they didn’t let me cry was a reason for my mother and brothers to stay away, because the hurt of not letting me grieve was great”. Friends of the couple also moved away after Mauro’s departure, and Otto’s support network was smaller and smaller, as his main friends lived far away.

“I miss you so much. It was the best 33 years of my life, but I only wanted five more minutes to say goodbye to him. There was no time. LGBT grief is so violent that it manages to cut the sadness with a knife so that it can pass. Rarely do you have someone who extends a hand to you. We have the same problems as a straight person, but we are invisible”, says Otto.

Alone, but not by choice

The story of loneliness among the lgbt seniors is recurrent, given that most of them, when they come out, are not welcomed by their families and tend to live life alone. The pandemic has awakened sensitivity to the subject on the internet, and more and more reports of elderly homosexuals living in solitude have appeared.

On Twitter, Roberto*’s story went viral when shared by a person who lived close to him. An elderly gay gentleman that everyone complained about and who was the “annoying one at condominium meetings”. The story is told by Mauro, who has known Roberto forever and has already exchanged stories about Madonna, their shared idol.

What was my surprise, last year and after a long time without seeing him around the building, I saw Roberto, old man, without the quick walk he had, sitting in a chair, staring at the street. Still. Next to him a girl in white.

— Mauricona (@Maucarvalho) June 17, 2020

The surprise is that Roberto underwent a glaucoma surgery that went wrong, causing him to lose sight in both eyes and lived alone, with only a caregiver.

Roberto, in his pajamas, decided to take a walk – I found out that he goes down alone – despite being blind, and he knows how to walk around the building (or almost, right, because every now and then he stops on the wrong floor and tries to open the door that is not his) . sometimes it gets confusing.

— Mauricona (@Maucarvalho) June 17, 2020

I was so devastated when I found out. It made me think how cruel old age can be and even more among gays. That left me disheartened for a few days. And every time I pass by him, he’s there, sitting in silence, sometimes talking to the caregiver.

— Mauricona (@Maucarvalho) June 17, 2020

Another similar case was reported by publicist Victor Spindola, who told the story of Carlos, a friend of his parents who was never accepted by the family and had suffered from Parkinson’s disease for some years. Victor’s family, in turn, welcomed their elderly friend, and made one of the rooms available in the house so that he could have comfort.

Chef with a handful, the creator of the tastiest pie recipe in the region, an immense heart, but full of scars that life has given. It’s not easy being gay at 10, at 20, at 30, imagine at 66, having dementia.

— Punisher Bullshit (@victor_spindola) September 6, 2020

Carlos only had his friends as his family. Victor says he always woke up at 5 am, but one day he didn’t leave his room. Worried, Victor’s mother went to the room to see why Carlos still hadn’t gotten up. The scare came: the man had passed away.

Carlos was a warrior, at 60, already with parkinson he passed the entrance exam for mathematics at UFT. He dreamed of becoming a teacher, loved to study. But he couldn’t, it was at that time that he returned to Goiás and went to live with my mother. I’m privileged as fuck with the family I have. Why!

— Punisher Bullshit (@victor_spindola) September 6, 2020

The importance of welcoming

Marriage and family formation among homosexuals is a recent issue in Brazil, so many LGBT people, when they reach old age, do not have a welcoming network. Without children, many of them are not accepted by the family. According to a survey conducted by the Association of Retired Persons of the United States, about 57% of gay men over 45 are single and 46% live alone.

Thinking about this and also about his own aging process, Rogério Pedro, 30 years old, created a community center for LGBT seniors – the NGO Eternamente Sou, in the center of São Paulo. “Today, looking at public policies that contemplate the elderly, they do not work with all the specific guidelines that contemplate the LGBT elderly”, he explains, who has a network of volunteers at the NGO. Today, the institution also operates in Rio de Janeiro and Florianópolis.

As the world evolves, the elderly also want to be an active person in society. On the other hand, the older they are, the more their stories are erased and these people need to adapt to a reality that before, when they were younger, it was not common. Many LGBT seniors who passed through living spaces for seniors in general were not always well received. “Talking about sex and sexuality with them is seen as absurd. There is a tendency towards asexuality in the elderly, towards infantilization. When you have trans people inside these spaces, basically they are considered freaks. These are reports from some elderly people who attend the NGO today”, says Rogério.

The space remains closed due to the coronavirus pandemic, but the center’s activities have been adapted to an online format. “The activities provide dignity and visibility to these people, such as singing and choir, cooking workshops, meetings for games, dances, parties”. The NGO also has psychologists, legal guidance if necessary, such as for cases of retirement, name rectification, gender reassignment, in addition to referrals to the SUS.

Active since 2017, around 800 seniors have already been assisted by the NGO, and all employees are volunteers who undergo a training course to be able to assist seniors in their daily lives. “When we did face-to-face activities, they saw the NGO as a space of freedom, where they would not be rejected for being who they are. EternamenteSOU is the family that many elderly people do not have, because unfortunately this is the reality of our elderly people. They have a lot, a lot, a lot of love for this space, because they feel free to be who they are”, says Rogério.

Otto Santo is one of the NGO’s volunteers. “For many, saying they love their partner is something common. But I could only say how much I loved Mauro outside of Brazil. Here, it seemed that we were following protocols, something kept us quiet. For those who can never say this publicly, seeing seniors verbalizing that they love their husbands, wives and partners warms the soul ”, he reports. He found out about EternamenteSOU’s work through an unpretentious Google search.

“As I had already been a volunteer at other institutions, I thought that no one would do anything for me in the grief I was in, so I decided to do it for someone. Everything I do for them comes back to me tenfold. Watching this LGBT group of 50, 60, 70, maybe 80 gives me many moments of respite in which that person can be himself without judgments, without merit”, Otto gets emotional.

In 2018, the European organization TransRespect released data that pointed to Brazil as the country with the highest number of violent deaths of LGBT people. According to this survey, we were responsible for 40% of the 2,600 murders worldwide over ten years. To give you an idea, the average life span for trans women is 35 years here, which is less than half the national average. Another report, released in 2019 by the Gay Group of Bahia, pointed out that Brazil records an average LGBT death every 23 hours. Discrimination is still huge and the lack of support for LGBT seniors has led these people down dark paths.

“These are people who live on the margins of society and have their lives erased, because people with retrograde thoughts stipulate that this group will not make a difference in the world, but they are lives, and they matter”, says Rogério. “Try to meet an LGBT person. More than that, try to meet an elderly person who resisted to be here today. And we’re talking about those who resisted, many of them couldn’t and had their lives taken over the years”, he concludes.

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