The good mother – the mother who becomes unnecessary

Hello friends!

Yesterday I saw a text on Facebook that caught my attention (I reproduce it at the end). The text brings the statement of an unnamed psychoanalyst who would state the following: “A good mother is the one who becomes unnecessary over time”. From this single sentence we can reflect on the education of children. In fact, not only about what it would be like to be a good mother, but also a good father.

A phrase is attributed to Freud that education is impossible. It is impossible to educate someone. The meaning of this phrase, in a very well summarized summary, is that it is impossible to educate another person because she is someone else. We cannot mold a character as we mold a sculpture. If it were possible, the other person (our son or daughter) would be a totally unfree robot.

On the other hand, this does not mean that one should not educate. It’s almost like a paradox. It is impossible to educate, but it is not possible not to educate. If we assume the responsibility of having a child, we will be educating even if it is through the examples, the behaviors that we emit.

And if we consider education in the broadest sense, we will be educating from baby on the necessary care for the person to grow up. That’s why the psychoanalyst’s phrase says that the good mother is the one who becomes unnecessary. Becoming unnecessary does not mean being unnecessary. That is, a baby, a child in the first and second childhood needs care. (Legally, up to the age of 16 the individual is considered totally incapable).

It is evident that the individual stories are very different from each other. For this reason, we should speak of paternal and maternal functions, as many lose their biological parents early or are adopted. How someone will end up taking on this role – for better or for worse – we must speak of the subjective position as a function, then we will be able to say in a broader way.

But returning to the phrase, we could think of two extremes. The mother who is bad because she doesn’t do her duty of care (absent from her responsibilities) and the bad mother who is overzealous and excessive in her care. There is the idea that love is never too much. Emotionally speaking, it might even be. But if this love, in behavior, is transformed into treating the son or daughter as if they were a crystal that is easy to break, we would be depriving the child or adolescent of one of the most important aspects for their future, which is their autonomy. based on freedom.

That is why, progressively until the right moment, the mother becomes unnecessary. For example, in college I saw many cases of people who were imprisoned their entire lives. They couldn’t leave. They couldn’t date. They couldn’t do what they wanted (something as simple as going to the movies was forbidden). When freedom was given, it was at once and the experience for periods became uncontrolled and a bit lost.

Psychologically, one of the most fundamental principles of the psyche is its tendency to transform contents into their opposites – what Jung called enantiodromia. Prison in childhood and adolescence. Freedom without direction in college. However, fortunately, the people I met that way ended up finding each other after a period of a certain lack of control. Perhaps worse are the cases in which the prison of paternal or maternal love is never overcome. What parents want, aim, dream but never their own will is done.

The problem for those who create is that it’s hard to transform yourself into someone unnecessary. Some even create tricks, unconsciously, to keep their children dependent. For example, doing everything to clip your wings, criticizing your efforts, discouraging your projects, holding back your aspirations.

He said that the difficult thing is to transform yourself into someone unnecessary because we all have a complex called me. ego. Like the parent who thinks or says, “after all I’ve done for you, do you want this?”

This can be anything. It could be marrying someone, going to college you don’t agree with, moving to another country or wanting to change the decor of your room. Autonomy is being your own boss. Literally, having one’s own nomos, the law itself, the order itself, the rules themselves. Heteronomy is leaving that law, that power, that freedom for someone else to exercise. Father, mother or who raises.

Raising a son or daughter to be dependent is raising a child without autonomy. And, to conclude, before posting here the text I saw on Facebook, I would like to say that animals can teach us a lot.

Here at home we have two basset daschounds. The mother had 4 puppies. After she got tired of breastfeeding, we gave her 3 babies and we kept one, Amèlie Poulain. As Amèlie was the only one left, we saw how for a while she was still trying to suckle from her mother’s teat. But her mother wouldn’t let her (because her teeth had already grown and hurt her).

Biologically, the time to grow teeth is the time the puppy has to learn to walk and see. After that, the mother becomes unnecessary…

The good mother is the one who becomes unnecessary

A good mother is one who becomes unnecessary over time. Several times I heard this phrase from a psychoanalyst friend, and it always sounded strange to me. The time has come to repress once and for all the mother’s natural impulse to want to take the offspring under her wing, protected from all mistakes, sadness and dangers.

A herculean battle, I confess. When I start to weaken in the struggle to control the super mom that we all have inside, I immediately remember the phrase, now absolutely clear. If I’ve done my job right, I have to become unnecessary. Before some mother in a hurry accuse me of being unloving, I’ll explain what that means.

Being “unnecessary” means not letting the unconditional love of a mother, which will always exist, cause addiction and dependence in children, like a drug, to the point where they are unable to be autonomous, confident and independent. Ready to chart their course, make their choices, overcome their frustrations and make their own mistakes too.

At each stage of life, we cut and remake the umbilical cord. With each new phase, a new loss is a new gain, for both sides, mother and child.

Because love is a process of permanent liberation and this bond does not stop changing throughout life. Until the day the children become adults, form their own family and start the cycle over again. What they need is to make sure that we are there, firm, in agreement or disagreement, in success or failure, with an open chest for warmth, a tight hug, comfort in difficult times.

Father and mother – supportive – raise children to be free. This is the greatest challenge and the main mission.

By learning to be “unnecessary”, we become a safe haven for when they decide to dock.

“Give to those you love:
– Wings to fly…
– Roots to return…
– Reasons to stay…”
(Dalai Lama)

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