Personal empowerment: I choose not “have to…”

“Exclude the expression must from your vocabulary and thoughts – that will release a lot of self-imposed pressure” (Louise Hay)

Hello friends!

In recent times we have noticed the growth in the use of the word empowerment. The word comes from the English empowerment, created within community psychology and often attributed to social scientist Julian Rappaport.

Definition of empowerment

Empowerment refers to policies or measures aimed at increasing the degree of autonomy and self-determination of people, individually or in groups. Thus, we speak of women’s empowerment or economic empowerment of a poor population.

The idea is to make the person – or the group as a whole – able to have a voice and decision-making power to act in favor of their own interest, using their own authority.

The term is also used for the help or support to be offered for the process to materialize, moving from a feeling of lack of power and influence to the recognition of one’s own capacity.

personal empowerment

In this text, I use the term with a more specific bias. I think that by changing the way we think and by changing the way we see the world and our relationship with others, we can improve.

An example to make my point clearer. Yesterday I saw on a social network the story of a judge, 30 years old, who had passed the exam to be a judge less than a year ago, with a monthly salary of 24 thousand reais and who simply decided to leave the profession to find his way.

Well, it’s a private decision, that’s for sure. However, the most curious thing is to observe people’s comments. Many said that he couldn’t have done that, that he had to keep going, that he had to try harder, that he couldn’t give up.

Now, when we have this perspective, what we have to do… we are creating a prison around us. Having to, having to, not being able to do this or that… are thoughts, words that restrict our freedom.

Exercise

Do the following exercise. For the next few minutes, write a list of things you have to do. It doesn’t matter if there are few things or if there are many. Just stop for a few moments and make your list.

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After you’re done, say before each item:

“I have to…”

or

“I must…”

How does reading your list this way make your body feel? Proves a feeling of discomfort? Perhaps the feeling of anxiety or worry?

Now, return to your list and change. Instead of saying, “I have to…” say:

“I choose to do…”

“I want to do…”

“I’m in the mood to…”

And then? How does a simple change of thought feel in your body? Do you feel more relieved? Calmer?

Most people notice the change. After all, when we say “I choose” instead of “I have, I must”, we are making it clear to ourselves that each and every behavior is a choice.

This is especially useful for those who tend to procrastinate, to put things off for later. Research indicates that the average procrastinator does not miss deadlines or delay completing items on his or her list. The only difference is that you leave it for the last minute and, throughout the process, you feel guilt, worry and anxiety about what have to do.

But let’s see: if our list has 10 items (or more or less), we will never be able to do everything at the same time, right?

We’ll have to do one thing at a time. Therefore, it is always and always and again and again a choice!

At 3 pm, you choose to do A. At 4 pm, you choose to do B.

Results

Well, the simple change of thinking, of a single way of thinking, can bring significant results. However, we have to remember that if we’ve been thinking this way for a long time (“I have to, I must”) it’s as if we’ve created a habit.

A habit can be modified, end or start, from one hour to another. However, there is a tendency to return from time to time. But that’s not a big deal: we can only choose to be aware and choose to change.

Another issue is that, perhaps through mental habit, the idea arises that this is like self-deception. In other words, there are many things that we have to do even though we don’t want to.

To deconstruct this way of seeing life, I like the following thought by Carl Gustav Jung: “free will is the ability to happily do what I should do”.

For example, let’s say you “have to” pay a bill. The fact of putting the situation in these terms generates a feeling of lack of choice and lack of self-determination. However, as we know, we can choose not to pay the bill. Or, we can delay until the last minute or pay late and with interest.

But, deep down, if we change our way of seeing and understanding the process and truly understand that we have a choice, we will expand our freedom.

“I choose to pay this bill now and be free of it” or “next time I can choose not to shop” or “I choose to pay bills on time”.

Another example is visible in love relationships. A person in a relationship may feel that they “have to” continue, because of family, religious or economic pressures or because “they’ve been together a long time and that’s the way it has to be”. It is important to recognize that there is always a choice to continue or to end.

Anyway, these are simple examples of how the process of changing thoughts and beliefs reframes the current moment and even the future. As Fernando Pessoa says, we are not a tree, therefore, if we are not satisfied with how and where we are, we can choose to change.

Conclusion

There are ways and means to increase the empowerment of people and groups. A less publicized means is the personal, internal transformation of beliefs and thoughts. In this text, we try to show how changing a single way of considering things can bring about significant changes in the way we feel.

As well as the process of political empowerment, through public policies, in many situations we may need help to change and improve. And that’s why I always indicate psychotherapy, because when doing therapy, we have time just for ourselves, to know ourselves and change what we choose to change.

Questions, suggestions, comments, please write below.

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