The fears hidden by the complacent personality

Fact Checked

Under review

The accommodating personality directs their behaviors in favor of a single objective: obtaining the approval of others. The rest of the interests are relegated to the background, even their own.

The accommodating personality is not a clinical category, but on many occasions it does constitute an expression of difficulties on a psychological level. The usual thing is that these types of people are very pleasant and well received in the environments in which they move, but at the same time they are paying a high price for this, even if they do not notice it.

What defines the complacent personality is excessive conditioning: The look towards the outside predominates when perceiving and making decisions. People subordinate what they think, want or feel to the satisfaction of a need: to gain the sympathy of others.

In the accommodating personality the feeling of responsibility prevails regarding the well-being of others, that is, the idea that they must seek good for others, otherwise they feel guilt or fear. The point is that they are capable of going beyond themselves and their own needs to achieve that goal. There is the problem.

“In that sense, we can be condescending due to a fear, but also under the logic of pleasing others. We may be reacting out of fear or because we attribute to others that we feel valued and loved.”.

-Felipe Matamala-

The accommodating personality

A pleasing personality It is formed during childhood and in a context in which family conflict predominates. The root is usually a narcissistic father or a controlling mother (also narcissistic) who formulated, almost always unconsciously, a command to the child to “disappear.”

Read Also: 5 keys to organize your interior life

These types of parents instilled the idea that they were always right and generally silenced their children’s opinions. They were also usually extremely unstable, with sudden and inexplicable outbursts of anger.. They could be violent during these episodes. Their children did not know what to do with them.

It is also possible that in the genesis of the accommodating personality, in addition to what has already been described, there were situations such as the following:

addicted parents. They generate unpredictable situations that cause fear and a feeling of threat in their children.Overly rigid rules and disproportionate punishments to transgressions. Very conflictive and perhaps violent relationship between parents.Father or mother with a histrionic personality. That is, with explosions of drama and a kind of Show of physical or emotional pain. Depressed or anxious father or mother.

In all these cases, perhaps the son learned to offer himself as a mediator or as a moderating factor in the situation. She also learned to fear and have difficulty letting out her own voice.

Pleasing personality traits

What lies at the core of the complacent personality is fear of conflict, rejection and abandonment.. His actions are conditioned by that fear. He does not act in order to reaffirm his self, but rather to prevent his behavior from provoking those reactions that he fears. That is why he seeks the well-being of others without considering the personal cost.

The main traits of the accommodating personality are the following:

Conflict avoidance. They are capable of giving in, even in very relevant aspects, in order to prevent others from becoming upset or a situation from becoming explosive.Focus on the needs of others. They do not question or look critically at the needs of others, but rather rush to satisfy them.Tendency to blame oneself. Reaffirming themselves at some point or claiming something for themselves causes a strong feeling of guilt.Continuous doubt. In general, they do not know how to act in problematic situations. They doubt their feelings and their ability to face difficulties.They tend to be perfectionists. They try to do everything very well. Basically, they avoid the possibility of being recriminated for any error or oversight.Low self-esteem. They only feel comforted if they receive the approval of others.Hypersensitivity. They are very hurt by the perception of rejection or contempt from others.

Guidelines for change

It is common for someone with a complacent personality to not be aware that they have a problem. It seems “normal” to him to sneak around the world trying not to upset anyone.. In fact, you can see it as a virtue as many, of course, will approve and exalt your peaceful and submissive way of being.

Read Also: The 7 most recommended books on child psychology

The most difficult thing is for them to understand where the border is between being extremely pleasant and empathetic people, and giving up being themselves in order to please and not anger others. To find that limit they must reorient the relationship they have with themselves..

They need learn to practice a form of “healthy selfishness”. Sometimes they do not achieve it on their own, but require professional help to achieve it. In any case, it all begins when they discover that they have the right to a place in the world just for themselves and that, for that reason, they deserve to give themselves the opportunity to be.