The excessive dependency between parents and children, why?

Excessive dependency between parents and children is not easy to establish because the border between what we could call “normal” and what is “excessive” is not clear. One of the most endearing relationships of the human being is precisely this filial bond and it is not clear when we can speak of excess, nor why it occurs.

Yes, one thing is clear and that is that no person is completely independent of other human beings, much less when there is affection involved. Now, it could be said that excessive dependency between parents and children is configured when one or all of those involved cannot function effectively in the world without the presence of the otheror the others.

In particular, a kind of ineptitude develops to resolve conflict situations, without the guidance or presence of the father, mother, both, or the child.

The other is invested with imaginary power. He is seen as necessary or more competent to face the world; That is why refuge is sought in it and this is how the excessive dependency between parents and children is configured, in this case.

Childhood and the dependent character

In classical psychoanalytic theory, dependency between parents and children arises in the so-called “oral stage.” This corresponds to the first phase of life, in which pleasure is associated with the mouth and food. According to Sigmund Freud frustration or excess at that stage causes “oral fixation”.

He who has an oral fixation, says Freud, reaches adulthood with the tendency to depend on others to, in one way or another, “educate”, guide, protect and support him. You will continue to engage in behaviors related to oral pleasure, such as ingesting food or drink to resolve your anxiety states.

Psychoanalysis also indicates that the child identifies with the maternal or paternal figure during his development.

If one of the two parents depends on the other and the child has identified with him, the usual thing is that grow up with feelings of worthlessness and look for figures who propose a relationship of submission. In both this case and the previous one, there is usually excessive dependence between parents and children, even in adulthood.

The dependency between parents and children

Dependency between parents and children has different causes. When parents are the ones who promote it, it is because they project or they displace their own desires towards the figure of their children. It is as if they stopped living their own life and sought to transfer their existence to another person, in this case, their children.

If this happens, Parents will do everything possible and impossible to make sure their children need them.. They will avoid parenting patterns that promote autonomy and, on the contrary, will tend to overprotect their children, no matter what age they are. In fact, these types of parents come to see their child’s attempts to gain independence as a threat or aggression.

Sooner or later that limitless dedication becomes a factor that generates guilt and a series of manipulations. The child, in exchange for so much “love,” is expected to offer something equivalent in return: his individuality.

The codependent child

The excessive dependency between parents and children always begins with the former. The most common thing is that at a given moment the son claims his own space and wants to live his own life. Not without conflict or guilt, there comes a point when you manage to break that umbilical cord. that your father or mother wants to support.

However, It is also the case that the child develops a codependent attitude towards his parents.. It happens because, finally, he decides to give up his individuality in exchange for the fantasy of security he is given at home. Sometimes it also happens because guilt is stronger than your common sense.

Without realizing it, these codependent children never achieve emotional autonomy with respect to their parents and They become their saviors, but also their persecutors and their victims.. They want to rescue them, but they feel upset for wanting to do so and end up giving in to their parents’ complaints, claims and demands.

These types of dependencies are more common in families in which one or both parents are addicts.. Also in those in which there is violence between the couple. Maintaining this pattern of relationships is harmful for everyone involved and that is why it is one of those situations that requires professional help.

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