The confluence trap: focusing on the other to forget about myself

Although we may not realize it, many of us use different strategies to not connect with ourselves or our environment. We try to avoid connecting with our emotions and needs and with the situation we face, and it is likely that we have been doing it for decades. These unconscious mechanisms that allow us to do this have been studied and described according to their characteristics, and today we want to talk to you about one of them: confluence.

Imagine that child, calm and obedient, who has become an extension of his parents. Think about that marriage in which everything is cordiality and protocol. Remember that person who seeks, at all costs, to reconcile and agree with the opinions of the group. Surely some of these situations are familiar to you and, in all of them, this dynamic of confluence is operating.

At the confluence the boundary between one and the rest is erased; the person does not feel individually.

The neurotic mechanisms

Confluence has been described as one of the neurotic mechanisms proposed by Gestalt psychotherapy.. These are defense mechanisms that we people put in place, unconsciously, to defend ourselves from an environment that we perceive as hostile or lacking. Since the situation threatens psychological balance, these unconscious tools help us maintain balance.

Let us keep in mind that every person is part of an environment with which they have to come into contact to satisfy their needs. We do this based on three points: knowing what we need, knowing what external elements can help us and understanding when to approach or move away from them.

When we feel confident and our actions work, we develop “normal” behavior. On the other hand, when the relationship with the environment is conflictive or unsuccessful, we experience a series of negative emotions and choose to divert our energy in the form of one of these unconscious mechanisms.

These tendencies develop already in childhood, when the environment does not offer appropriate conditions for growth and development. The child who grows up in a threatening environment, surrounded by danger or who lives in a deprived environment that does not meet his or her needs, develops these mechanisms to survive, physically and psychologically.

To a certain extent they are useful, since they fulfill their mission. However, when they become excessively rigid or are used without awareness of what is happening, they can affect well-being and relationships. And, what’s more, when they continue to be used in adulthood, in situations that have nothing to do with the one in which they originated, they can be very limiting.

What is confluence?

Confluence is one of these defense mechanisms and arises when the person is not in contact with themselves, with their experiences, desires, opinions or needs and, instead, joins the needs or ideologies of the other. Somehow, the boundary between oneself and others is erased and the difference is not appreciated.

The person who tends to confluence has lost the sense of self, cannot perceive and feel himself individually and seeks to fully commune with whoever is before him. He loses his identity and joins, without questioning, the desires, opinions or emotions of the other, even confusing them with his own.

Although it may sound excessive, this is a reality that more people experience than we imagine. Let’s give some examples of what the confluence looks like:

We accept, without questioning, the opinions or proposals of our partner regarding the relationship. For example, if the other person expresses his desire to have an open relationship, we join this idea without asking ourselves if it is something we really want, seek or is convenient for us. When being in a group, We are not able to give our opinion on a topic until we see what the rest think.. Well, our objective will be to commune with others. Despite not feeling hungry, we eat with another person because he asks us or proposes it to us. Or, in other cases, despite not wanting to consume alcohol, we do it to join the option of the rest.For our daily decisions we need external approval. Our way of dressing, our hairstyle or the way we spend our free time is not based on what we really like or feel like, but on what others consider correct or “fashionable”.We blend in excessively with other people’s emotionsnot accompanying with empathy from our center, but letting ourselves be invaded and overflowed by that emotion or need of the other until we make it our own.

Getting out of the confluence trap

Although we all use these dynamics at some point, when the confluence is pathological it puts us in a very vulnerable position. If we do not know who we are and how far we are going, if we do not know how to set limits, question others or recognize our own needs and desires, We are likely to fall into dependency, abusive and harmful relationships.

However, in order to get out of this unconscious trap, it is necessary to understand how confluence arises. AND comes from an early learning in which we were not allowed to be. One where we were taught that deferring or having our own voice or thoughts would lead to us being rejected or abandoned.

Perhaps, as children, we grew up in a home where we were not allowed to express emotions of rage, anger, sadness, or frustration; and, by doing so, or by disobeying in the slightest, the parents withdrew their affection from us or attacked us. Perhaps we suffer experiences of bullying and rejection by peers at school, or we were very criticized in early stages.

This generates a disconnection from oneself, in order to be able to conform to what others want and avoid that rejection, loneliness or aggression. However, not knowing who we are or what we want, we feel a void that we seek to fill by coming together with the rest, by investing ourselves in relationships with others.

Confluence is a mechanism that comes from childhood learning in which we were not allowed to be.

Start paying attention to yourself

As you can imagine, this tendency can be very painful and have very negative consequences for any adult. Therefore, if we want to end this dynamic, we need stop avoiding that contact with ourselves and start promoting it.

Instead of repressing what we feel, we have to start asking ourselves about it in every situation. We must question other people’s opinions before assuming them as our own. In short, it is about starting to pay attention to ourselves, to recover that identity and those limits that we lost for fear of being rejected.

Of course, this is not an easy job and requires practice and perseverance, after years of being disconnected. Furthermore, it may be very necessary to elaborate on those previous experiences that led us to develop this defensive mechanism. Therefore, if you feel identified, do not hesitate to seek professional support.

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