The best version of me: is it possible?

Certain questions seem inevitable: How is the best person I can be? What is the model to follow? What should I change about my way of being? Even accepting this challenge as an obligation, How will I get to be that person? the best?

In this video, the writer Roy Galán reflects precisely on this topic:

The best version of me: is it real?

The great temptation is to turn to our idealized inner self. That “I” that we have been taught as correct, as effective, as lovable, as acceptable, as desirable, as sociable and as a prelude to predictable success (even if that success is the model of those who teach and not his own).

We all know, more or less, how “we should be”. We remember it in the most affectionate words of our mother, in the most severe scolding of our father, in the critical look of our teacher and in the prize hug of our loved ones every time we succeeded in doing what everyone wanted us to do…

Personally, I know that I should be less obsessive, that I should work less, that I should dedicate more time to physical activitythat I should talk less, that I should stay quieter, that I should be less gullible, that I should stay longer in each place, that injustice should not irritate me so much, that I shouldn’t take some risks anymore… I know, of course I know.

But I also know – every day a little more – that I am not what I should be; that I am who I am, closer or further than I should be, but I am who I am. As you are who you are.

Give up the “ideal self”

For better and for worse, we are who we are. We are not those who would have wanted some, those who needed others, those who expected many and those who would have applauded the majority. We are not, as much as it weighs us down, what we were in another time and, as is logical, we have not become, at least not yet, what we will be in the future. We are, I repeat, who we are.

This me, the one I’m going to call the “real me” to differentiate him from that other idealized self, It is full of defects and excesses, that become evident when comparing it with that one, and that, naturally, from the outset connect me with my own demands and open the door of my well-known internal dialogues:

“Why not take care of being as I should be?”
“Isn’t that the way to be the best me I can be?”
“Why not try a little bit?”
“The effort may not be pleasant, but the end justifies the means.”
—If I occupy myself for a while with changing what I must change, I will later enjoy the pleasure of having achieved my goal.
—After all, I know, as has been said many times, that I am potentially capable of doing everything I set my mind to…

The answer is impossible because the problem is at the very origin of the questions. The comparison between the real self and the ideal self will always generate an awareness of deficit and a dissatisfaction with who I really am. The first escape from that uncomfortable feeling will be to ask, impose and demand the effort to transform myself into what I should be and am not.

Should we strive to be different?

It is an effort doomed to failure, of course, because no one can stop being who they areLet alone be authentically who one is not. A conduct closely defended by those who believe that effort is the only thing that gives value to achievementsand backed by thousands of years of forcing others and oneself to resemble preset models of how it is good and how it is bad to be.

If we do without that ideal self, the dissatisfaction of ‘not being like’ will disappear, the recriminations and the effort of trying to be different will end.

a path that leads to logical chronic frustration, to permanent self-reproach and to the determined effort of those who always swim against the current because someone has taught them that it is the only way in which it is worth moving forward. Permanent frustration, dissatisfaction with one and contempt for one’s own life, self-demand permanent and devaluation of every little achievement… do you recognize the symptoms?

Consequences of perfectionism: low self-esteem

They are usually called “low self-esteem”; technically, “egodystonia”; psychologically, “neurotic effort to try to look like what, according to what they told me, I should be if I wanted to be liked.”

Unfortunately, the pathology does not end there, because one of the consequences of low self-esteem is, by force, the deterioration of the image one has of oneselfwith which the distance that separates me from what should be becomes greater and greater, increasing the demand, the dissatisfaction, the effort… and the vicious circle closes.

A vicious circle is a dead end. The Argentine humorist Landrú, whom I always quote, provided us with the solution with his brilliant phrase: “When you realize you are in a dead end, don’t despair. Come out where you came in!”

If we follow that wise advice, we should get out of that sinister circuit where we entered, that is, by the construction, acceptance and veneration of an ideal self. What would happen if we did without it? First of all, that other imaginary self with which to compare myself would disappear, the dissatisfaction of “not being like” would disappear, my recrimination and contempt for what I am not would end, and with it the effort to try to be different. All the frustration and anger would immediately turn into the acceptance of who I am and the pleasure of learningnot to resemble an ideal image, but for the mere pleasure of knowing and knowing more.

We are better when we try less

The paradox is always surprising. When I stop wanting to be better, I start to be better and better and, without trying, I end up over and over getting further of the place I wanted to reach, without having made an effort to do so. With the sole expense of putting my heart at the service of growing, loving and learning.

I will understand then the ultimate and creative sense of this being better every day. I will understand that my only reference is myself, and that the sense of comparison is never with the outside, with others, with others.

My only reference is myself, not others. Therefore, being a better person every day means being better today than you were yesterday, without idealized goals.

No idealized goal, no reference other than what I was and am capable of doing, no claim other than to be a better myself every day.

Your best version is already in you

For many years George Gershwin, author of the famous Rhapsody in Blue, perhaps the greatest musician and composer in the United States, worked as a pianist in small-time venues. Sometimes with minimal recognition, other times feeling a frank contempt for what he did, in many ways ahead of his time.

Finally, recognition came and Gershwin began to be valued and applauded. A recognition that soon turned into a good amount of money in his bank account. By his own account, Gershwin kept careful control of his income.

All his life had planned to cross the Atlantic to studyEven if it was only for a few months, with his most admired teacher: the French composer Maurice Ravel. Finally, the numbers on his balance let him know that his dream finally had a chance to come true. George Gershwin canceled his concerts and sailed for Europe. He once arrived in France, after moving contacts and links, got interviewed with Maurice Ravel.

“Master,” she addressed him, literally kissing his hands, “my name is George Gershwin. I come from the United States to ask you to give me even a couple of classes… Please, Master.
-Because? Ravel asked.
“Because I admire you, Master,” said the young man. youAll my life I have dreamed of being like you.
–what a dumb idea said the French musician. ohWhy do you want to settle for being a mediocre Ravel, if you can become an excellent George Gershwin!

Now close your eyes and ask yourself: Why do you want to be a mediocre “as you should be” if you can be an excellent yourself?