The 6 phases of grief after a breakup

When will I be okay? Why do I go from sadness to anger so quickly? These are the most frequent questions asked by people who go through the phases of grief after a breakup. The breakup of a couple and the grief that it entails are some of the reasons for consultation most frequent in the practice of psychology with adults.

After a breakup, people go through different phases that make up a grief pattern. In this article I will explain to you what the phases of grief are in the breakup of a couple and what characterizes each of them.

Phase 1: state of impact or shock

This is the beginning of grief, in this phase the person does not quite believe it, it is difficult for them to be aware of the loss and see the new situation. Emotionally, In the impact or shock phase, an absence of reaction is observed and the person acts as if nothing had happened. and everything remained the same.

The denial phase is more marked in people who have been “left” and is less noticeable in those who have been “left.” What happens is that whoever has decided to break up the relationship and put an end to it has already previously gone through the phase of denial and shock. And because of that, Whoever takes the step to break the relationship has already worked out the new situation and does not show denial.

Once the breakup becomes aware and the person is able to visualize what is to come, the next phase arrives, that of denial of the loss.

Phase 2: denial of loss

Within the phases of grief in the breakup of a couple, there is denial. In her, The person is aware of what they have lost, but does not want to accept it. He refuses to accept that the relationship is over and fantasizes about returning. A characteristic example of this phase is represented by the idea that the breakup may have been a mistake or an anger that has gotten out of hand.

The mind in the denial phase focuses on looking for ways to solve the problems, and thus be able to resume the relationship. This phase has an adaptive function, which allows you to gain time to “digest” the loss, be able to continue complying with your routine and obligations, and little by little become aware of the changes that have already occurred and will occur.

Phase 3: deep sadness

In this phase you begin to assume and live in your own skin what the breakup represents. The person begins to be aware of how life has changed and will continue to change. And all of this, all of these consequences of loss are what generate deep sadness along with a negative view of the world, the future and themselves.

Therefore, this phase is characterized by psychological functioning following Beck’s cognitive triad and hence the state of deep sadness and symptoms of depression. Sadness is a necessary emotion so that you can truly accept the loss, and it will help you connect with what happened and begin little by little to overcome the grief..

Phase 4: guilt

Within the phases of grief in the breakup of a couple, the guilt phase is one of the most characteristic. That is, guilt does not arise so markedly when we face other types of grief. However, in grief over a breakup, it is one of the most noticeable and most complicated phases to overcome.

Guilt makes you wonder what you could have done or said to avoid losing the relationship. Rumination and obsessive thinking aimed at finding those responsible for the breakup can exhaust the person psychologically. and cause a great state of anxiety.

Taking 100% of the blame for a breakup is counterproductive and, above all, very unfair. The couple is a team made up of two people and the responsibility for the breakup is always shared. Try to distribute the guilt you feel, understand it as shared responsibility and direct your mind towards the future.

Phase 5: rage

Once you stop feeling that everything was your fault and you can share responsibility for what happened, you will begin to feel anger. Within the phases of grief in the breakup of a couple, the anger phase is the most “beneficial” or “positive” because if something or someone makes us angry, we avoid it and seek to remove it from our life. And this in a breakup…it’s great!

Why is anger the best thing that can happen to you when grieving a breakup? Because anger, well conducted, is a very powerful engine. First of all, it keeps you away from that person you have lost and this is essential for overcoming. Having contact with an ex during the phases of grief bogs people down in the guilt or sadness phase and makes it difficult for them to move forward.

In the future you may be friends, but not during the duel. Therefore, anger helps the person to stay far away from what hurts them. Use your anger to improve on a personal level, to think more about yourself and take care of yourself. But…, Be careful, don’t get stuck in this phase: if you do, the same anger that protected you will turn against you.

Phase 6: acceptance

If you have lived and used anger appropriately, you can now go through the acceptance phase.. The emotions in this phase are not completely positive or gratifying, they are emotions that allow you to see what happened as an experience in the history of your life, with its pluses and minuses.

People in the acceptance phase begin to accept what has happened, think about themselves, and direct their minds toward the future and not toward the past or the loss.. Acceptance is the definitive way to overcome the breakup and helps us think about building a future for and for ourselves.

Finally, It is important to keep in mind that the phases of grief in the breakup of a couple are not linear or correlative, something that is especially noticeable at the beginning of the grief. That is, the more recent the loss, the more changing the phases of grief. You can go from phase 1 to 3, and then to 2, and then to 4. As you work through the loss and grieve, you will see that the regression becomes rarer and you move forward more frequently: you no longer feel so insecure and you start to look at the future with different eyes.

Final thoughts

Once we have seen the phases of grief in the breakup of a couple, I would like to end the article by mentioning the results of the research carried out by García and Ilabaca (2013) in which they show What are the best strategies to get over a breakup?.

According to the results of this research, Avoidance would be an appropriate strategy when the possibility of resolving any conflict between those affected or the possibility of reconciliation is zero. The authors point out that “avoidance would favor cognitively reprocessing the breakup situation, contributing to resolving the grieving process and subsequently continuing to live with greater feelings of well-being” (García and Ilabaca, 2013).

On the other hand, they point out that The search for social support is also one of the most used strategies since it provides us with comfort and psychological well-being.. Although the breakup of a love relationship can lead to a significant emotional earthquake, we must not forget that with patience, with work, with psychological help, if necessary, and the support of our environment, we can return to having a day to day life. happy and complete.

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