The 5 languages ​​of apology, according to Gary Chapman

We all make mistakes. It is something undoubtable. Most of them unintentionally, although many do not understand it. Other times being half conscious and sometimes with intention. Either way, We can end up hurting others. It is one of the risks of relationships. We can even hurt them without realizing it and without making mistakes, since we barely know about their history.

However, There is almost always an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and try to repair what was broken.. The thing is that not all people accept a “I’m sorry” as an apology. Sometimes you need something more. And of course, not all people ask for forgiveness in the same way.

That is so because The meaning of forgiveness is usually different from one person to another, which is why it is sometimes a source of misunderstanding and is not perceived sincerely. Hence, many couples never reconcile, some families remain distant, and many friendships are even given up. Have you ever thought about it?

According to writer and philosopher Gary Chapman, There are 5 languages ​​of apology. Knowing them will allow us to understand others and ourselves much better, as well as knowing what they expect from us and how they will perceive sincere repentance. Only in this way can the barrier that was created by grievance be broken and sincere trust restored.

Let’s see below what the apology languages ​​are. Let’s dig deeper.

Express regret

“I’m sorry” either “forgive me“. It’s about the emotional aspect of the apologythrough which the guilt, shame or pain experienced for what has been done is expressed to others.

Those who use this language of apology feel deeply affected by what happened and hope that the people who have offended them will realize how they have been hurt and repent. If there is no sign of repentance, they will not perceive a sincere apology and it will be impossible for them to reconcile.

No matter how many explanations and arguments are given and even solutions, The apology will not be effective and the wound will remain open if it is not accompanied by words that express regret. Thus, the words “I’m sorry” or “excuse me” are the gateway to forgiveness.

Accept responsibility

It is of little use to ask for forgiveness if you do not accept part of the responsibility for what happened. or the fact of having made a mistake. Some people have no problem recognizing it, but others find it extremely difficult, since they associate making a mistake with being weak because their self-esteem is damaged and they tend to justify themselves and blame others.

The reality is that no matter how hard we try, we are not perfect. It is impossible for us not to make mistakes at some point.. The point is to be able to recognize it and take responsibility for it, something relatively simple for people with emotional maturity.

Those who use this language of apology The only thing they hope is for the other person to recognize their responsibility., his mistake, his mistake in what happened. If not, they will consider that there is no true repentance.

Return

There are many people who think that if you make a mistake or hurt another person you have to pay for it and repair the damage. In this way, the scales of justice are balanced, because in the end every wound or offense carries a loss, whether tangible or not.

Although this may seem harsh, what people who use this apology language really want is to know that the other person still loves them, despite everything. After being hurt, they need to be sure that the person who hurt them still loves them.. They get angry, they suffer, and what happened hurts them deeply because the other person’s actions and words have called their love into question.

That’s why, if the apology is not accompanied by “What can I do to show that I’m interested in you?” it will not be enough. On the other hand, if the intention to repair what was damaged is expressed, they will feel that they continue to be loved because there is an effort, in addition to perceiving sincere regret.

Genuinely Repent

For those who use this language of apology, Regret and the desire to modify behavior so that the situation does not happen again are key. Thus, here it is not just a “sorry I was wrong“, but a promise not to do it again, a desire for change, is fundamental.

And for this it is essential to express it because what is happening inside is communicated: a recognition of the damage that has been generated, the discomfort experienced and the intention to modify what hurts. However, if it is thought, but not expressed, for the offended person who uses this type of language it is as if it did not exist because they cannot read minds.

However, changing takes time, It is not something that can be achieved overnight and it can fail. Therefore, it is acceptable and advisable to ask for a little patience, since it is unlikely to be achieved the first time.

Ask for forgiveness

People with this apology language just want to be asked for forgiveness. because they understand that with this there is a desire for the relationship to be restored, a genuine interest in recovering it and the recognition of an offense.

Besides, When you ask for forgiveness, you put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person., since you can choose to forgive or not. A situation that can be very difficult for some people, especially those with a dominant personality, fear of rejection and failure.

This is because apologizing is admitting a mistake and there are those who do not like it because they consider that by doing so they become vulnerable, since the decision to forgive is the other person’s and there are always two options: one in which there is the possibility of Being rejected. In these cases, the most important thing is to recognize the fear of being controlled by the other and the fear of rejection, knowing that what has been done has created a problem and has hurt the other person and that the only way to resolve it is by apologizing. sincerely.

On the other hand, when what prevents asking for forgiveness is the fear of failure, we must also take into account the strong moral compass by which these people are governed, in which doing the right thing is equivalent to being good and being successful. In their mind, admitting a mistake or a mistake is admitting to being a failure, which is why it costs them. Hence, they sometimes argue vehemently, maintaining that what they did was wrong, that perhaps it hurt them, but that it was not their intention. Here it is also important to identify the fear of failure, but above all to be aware that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes and that this is not synonymous with being a failure.

Now, if there is an important aspect related to forgiveness, it is that this It is requested, but not required.. Demanding it is not understanding the nature of forgiveness: the choice to forgive, to allow the person to re-enter life and also to continue developing the feeling of trust.

Furthermore, the forgiveness demanded also indicates that the other person’s pain is not taken into account, since it is not easy to grant it. When you forgive, you also renounce the desire for justice and sometimes you accept to live with the consequences of what happened. Hence, when you ask for forgiveness, what you are really asking for is no small thing.

Finally, asking for forgiveness can always accompany the rest of the apology languages. In fact, many of them will not be effective without it.

The languages ​​of apology: key to good relationships

As we have seen, There are several languages ​​of apology and they are all valid. Some have more depth than others, but the important thing is to identify them in others and in ourselves. This way it will be much easier to understand each other, give and receive apologies, and heal our relationships.

It’s true it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. And it is not for two reasons: you have to get outside of yourself to know what the other person needs and We must abandon the sense of justice and the desire to be right to know what we need when we have felt offended. However, just because it is complicated does not make it unpleasant, quite the opposite.

However, we can ask ourselves the following questions to discover what apology languages ​​we use:

What do I expect the person to do or say that will allow me to automatically forgive them? What hurts me most deeply about this situation? What is the most important language when I apologize? (That’s probably the one we hope they use on us)

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