The 4 Mistakes That Predict Relationship Breakups by Up to 82%

Doctor of Psychology John M. Gottman, for more than two decades, studied the theme of romantic relationships in scientific experiments at the University of Washington. In his research, for example, he placed a couple – who agreed with the research terms – in a simulated apartment and studied the interactions between them.

Even in newlyweds, in his experience, he could predict fairly accurately whether or not the couple would break up in the coming months or years. in your book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he describes 4 mistakes that predict relationship breakups. These errors are described below:

1. Reviews

Prof. Gottman writes, “You will always have complaints about the person you live with. But there is a difference between complaining and criticizing. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. A criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the character or personality of the other”.

The difference can be summed up in this example:

“You don’t help me with the dishes” (complaint about specific behavior).

“You’re an idiot! It never helps me” (criticism).

2. Contempt

The second error is called contempt (in English, contempt) and means that the person thinks he is superior to the other in some aspect. It is a form of disrespect, lack of consideration and appreciation for the essence of the other. Contempt appears in forms of sarcasm, cynicism, humor (which is not funny to the object), “rolling your eyes back”, among others.

“Contempt is maintained by maintaining constant negative thoughts about the partner.”

3. Get defensive

Due to fights and conflicts, it is common to appear on the defensive, which is easily visualized in what we call “playing the victim”. To protect himself, to protect his own ego, the partner starts talking about situations or moments when something that hurt happened, usually in a tearful and childish voice.

Although, in principle, it seems like a normal state due to the problems, putting yourself in a victim (inferior) position is similar to saying that it is the other (or other) who is always wrong. No wonder being defensive doesn’t solve problems either.

4. Wall of silence

In Skinner’s book Verbal Behavior, we learn that by having an audience – someone who can listen and respond – we are socially trained to say anything so as not to remain in an awkward silence. That’s why silence, in a discussion or conversation, is felt by almost everyone as a punishment. Being completely silent is a way of ignoring the other, which will not resolve the situation in the long run either.

repair attempts

Although the presence of these 4 errors is an indication that the relationship tends not to last in the long term, the mere fact of their presence, on the other hand, does not mean that it will not last in 100% of cases.

After all, lasting relationships equally present fights, disagreements, arguments and problems. The key difference is that repair attempts are successful.

An attempt to make amends happens when one or another person seeks to overcome criticism, contempt, defensiveness or silence with behavior that breaks the cycle, as each of these four mistakes often leads to another. That is, criticism leads to contempt, contempt to silence, silence to criticism, defensiveness to contempt, and so on.

If the couple themselves cannot break this cycle, and want to stay together, we suggest looking for a professional who can help in the process.

Learn more about Online Relationship Coaching via Skype

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