The 4 main beliefs that cause suffering – according to Albert Ellis

Albert Ellis was considered by the American Psychological Association as the second most influential psychotherapist in history, second only to Carl Rogers. He is the creator of Rational Emotive Therapy, which, since the 1950s, has inaugurated a new form of treatment that we now call Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

It is estimated that Ellis was the person who treated the most people, surpassing the mark of 100,000 patients.

In this text, I will share with you the 4 most fundamental beliefs, which cause suffering, according to him.

1. Excessive concern about what others will think of me

In his vast clinical experience, Ellis found this to be the belief that most troubled his patients. In his words:

“Excessive worry causes a strong fear of rejection. The related thought goes something like this: ‘I shouldn’t be disapproved of or rejected by significant people in my life (relatives, friends, bosses, co-workers, teachers, etc), because if I were it would be awful and I couldn’t bear it. ” (Ellis, p. 63).

It’s not that people think exactly that way. But underneath the complaints they bring to the office, the underlying belief goes in that direction. “If I am criticized, disapproved, negatively evaluated… by people close to me… it will be terrible… and I won’t be able to stand it”.

Evidently, we all have, to a greater or lesser extent, the need to have positive feedback, to receive approval and appreciation. The central point that causes suffering is believing that if it doesn’t happen it will be unbearable, horrible, terrible, something you can’t live with.

2. I must not fail in important activities

These important activities are usually linked to work, studies, sports, sexuality, relationships. As in the previous belief, imagining that there will be a failure would be something terrible and unbearable.

This belief appears in different ways, sometimes as a fear of making mistakes, sometimes as a compensation, in perfectionism. The consequences of this belief in life, therefore, can be an excessive preoccupation with the simple idea of ​​making a mistake, exacerbated self-criticism when a mistake is made, paralysis of action – when the will is to act – because it would be better to do nothing than “failing” at an activity considered significant.

3. People must do and things must happen exactly as I want

If it doesn’t go the way I want it, it will also be horrible and intense suffering. This is a belief that, looking at it from a distance, seems like a nonsensical fantasy. But, as we know, it is an extremely common belief and the reason for many difficulties.

In a romantic relationship, one partner may want the other person to do a specific thing (perhaps also in a specific way). When it doesn’t happen, the consequence is at least a misunderstanding, at most it’s a separation.

If something happens in life that was not expected, due to the desire for it to be different, there is pain, regret, a pity that reality did not agree with our thinking.

4. If these three events (from the previous beliefs) do not happen, I will blame someone else for it.

“If I am not loved or respected, if I make a mistake or fail, if things don’t go as planned as I wanted, then I will always blame someone else for it!” (Ellis, p. 73).

It is also common for a psychotherapeutic process to begin with the responsibility being placed on someone else, usually from the past. In Ellis’ view, which was influenced by authors such as Epictetus, it is not things outside of us that cause suffering, but rather the vision, the interpretation we give to these things.

This, of course, does not mean that there are not situations in the past that still have a strong influence today (such as a trauma experience or abuse).

The fundamental point of this fourth belief is that, by having it, the person relinquishes what he himself can do today, relinquishes responsibility for his own life. After all, even if someone from the past did something we disapprove of, where is the past now? Or what can be done, rethinking now, to move towards a better quality of life?

Evidently, changing this and other beliefs may require some treatment time and practical changes carried out between sessions.

Conclusion

There are other dysfunctional beliefs that have been described by Albert Ellis. These above are the main ones, the ones that most appear in the clinic and the ones that most affect people.

Rational Emotive Therapy, among many other processes, will work to change these dysfunctional beliefs. For example, the patient may understand that he wants approval from loved ones, but getting it is always impossible. It won’t be very good to receive external disapproval or criticism, but if it does, it won’t be the end of the world.

Or the patient can learn that making mistakes, failing in an activity is something that happens to all human beings (no human being is perfect, right?) and, if this is true, we can gradually abandon the fear of making mistakes. After all, a good part of the learning process is trying, failing, changing, getting it right, and staying right.

Questions, suggestions, criticism, comment below.

Reference

ELLIS, Albert, LANGE, Arthur. How do keep people from pushing your buttons. Robinson, 2017

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