Study explains the most effective way to apologize when we hurt someone with words (and we detail how in a step by step)

We often don’t realize the power that words have. Or their impact when we talk to people with whom we interact. Whether with a friend, family member, co-worker or your life partner. And they are even stronger when we release them to the wind in moments of anger or without thinking.

And when that happens, we usually don’t know how to apologize. On these occasions, a dash of empathy can be effective. In the dictionary, this word means the following: psychological capacity to feel what another person would feel if they were in the same situation experienced by them.

O awesome.club prepared a step by step with tips on how to act in front of a person when we say something inappropriate and that caused some kind of hurt. The information comes from a recent study by the Clinical Journal of Pain in the United States, along with tips from health experts who detailed the study in an article published in The New York Times. Check it out:

Assess the harm: be open and embrace the responsibility that you may have hurt someone. Don’t try to blame the person who was hurt. If you’re not clear on the situation, avoid saying “why are you so mad (or furious)?”. Prefer “help me understand what I said so I can correct the situation” or simply “what did I do?”. Don’t victimize yourself: be more realistic and don’t blame yourself for saying something inappropriate. Don’t start by saying “I can’t believe I said that. I’m a terrible person.” Go this route: “I’m ashamed, but I can improve the situation. We all make mistakes.” Don’t procrastinate: The longer you delay solving or talking about the situation, the worse it will be, as the worry about the disagreement will last longer. The damage with the next can become irreparable. Experts say it’s not about the bug itself, but how it was fixed.

Take responsibility: Avoid excuses like “I didn’t mean that” or defensive “why are you like this? It was just a joke”. Studies claim that when we name our feelings, we can avoid depression and anxiety. Saying things like “I’m embarrassed I said that” or “I’m sorry I hurt you” can alleviate some of your anguish over the situation. Be gentle, as the point here is not to victimize yourself. Validate the pain of others: it is tempting to want to use the moment of apologizing to clarify yourself, because a feeling that you are being attacked and, therefore, you need to defend yourself can arise. Don’t do this until the person asks “what did you mean” or gives you an opening. What you are trying to say is irrelevant in the face of a situation that you yourself have caused by speaking the wrong words at an inappropriate time. It is also not productive to argue about who has the correct version. Accept that what the person heard was real. Say “my comment wasn’t nice and I understand why you’re upset with me.” Be genuine: be sure the apology comes from the heart. Avoid ready-made phrases like “I’m sorry if you were hurt”. This expression may seem too shallow to anyone who hears it. Do not send messages or emails at first. Body and facial language and vocal tone are all lost in writing. Always prefer to apologize in person. If not possible, make a call. Explain that the same mistake will not happen again: by sharing with the injured person what you learned from the situation, you will give more assurance that the mistake will not be repeated. In the work environment, for example, if you insist on pronouncing a colleague’s name wrong, don’t justify yourself or say “it’s a complicated name, I’ve never heard it before”. Experts recommend saying “I’m sorry I did that. I’m glad you corrected me and I’ll do my best not to repeat the mistake.”

Reestablish the relationship: don’t ask yourself “what will it be like from now on”, but start talking about some topic where both can develop a healthy conversation. Delete your fears and invest in a nice conversation after the act of apologizing. In a few minutes, everyone will realize that what happened, happened. Let it flow: if even after all this process you realize that the person is still behind or hurt, respect their time. You can do your best, be sincere and apologize from the bottom of your heart, but you can’t force someone to accept them. Sometimes words do irreparable harm. Experts say that if the person doesn’t want to accept the sincere apology, it means they really don’t care and don’t need it. Even so, try to put yourself in the other’s shoes and understand their life trajectory and their pain, even if it caused it. Not only will you be a more caring friend or colleague, you’ll be more likely to make the other person feel heard, protected, safe, and respected.

See how apologizing isn’t that hard? Let’s put these attitudes into practice and make the world more empathetic and tolerant. Enjoy and tell us what you think of this step by step 🙂