Starting over: women tell how they started over after the breakup

You can even say that, if a few decades ago divorce was taboo, today it is almost a trend. Surveys show that women continue to walk down the aisle, and a lot. But, if things go wrong, they don’t hesitate so much to end the union. They do this without the fears of the past and, in general, they marry again – and again if necessary. What they want is to be happy, not to be with someone just for the sake of it. Since that’s how it is, it’s worth asking: what’s the recipe for meeting someone, falling in love all over again, starting a new relationship and, this time, it working out? For experts, a good attitude is to change the focus and take a more optimistic look at the breakup and the “single again” phase. Especially because, if separation is not the happy ending of fairy tales, it can be the path to a happy new beginning. “Although frustrating, the end of a marriage is not a reason to give up the search for completeness. Although, of course, this happens more inside than outside of us”, says psychologist Lins, from the Federal University of Minas Gerais.

A lot of people already seem to see things the same way. Among the weddings that take place today in Brazil, most are still the debut, the first for both bride and groom. But, according to data recently released by the Brazilian Institute of Geography and Statistics (IBGE), this number has been falling at the same time that the participation in the cake of so-called remarriages is growing. Among the women who formalized the union in 2013, 24.3% had already had the same experience before. This corresponds to ten percentage points more than the same number ten years earlier, in 2003. “Marriage has always been valued and, with it, the title of marriage”, emphasizes historian Mary del Priore, author of books such as Histórias and Women’s Conversations (Planet). Therefore, the sooner a husband was found, the calmer the parents were. At that point, not everything changed that much, as the story of social media analyst Fernanda Poli, 31, proves. She committed herself very young, at 23, and with her first boyfriend, precisely so that her father would not worry about her future. In her analysis, the differences between the two and the immaturity to deal with it were two important causes for the shipwreck relationship. Fernanda took the initiative for the separation when she was “on the edge of discontent”. However, although she wanted the denouement, she says she was “a little sad” at the time. However, today she celebrates the initiative. “I keep thinking how good it was to have had the courage to change the course of my life.”

It is possible to understand Fernanda’s low mood. Ok that divorces are more and more common, but they are not easy. The pain of separation calls for recovery time, experts say. There is the moment of mourning, the longing for the routine that one had and for the old partner, even if he was no longer compatible. So a good first step after a breakup is to take some time to do some deep personal reflection. It is necessary to discover what we are without the other. “This person needs to find what makes them connect with themselves. It can be physical activity, a group of friends, voluntary activities, therapy”, recommends psychologist Lins. And anything that contributes to improving self-esteem is worth it, since it is not uncommon for a woman who is unmarried to feel insecure about resuming flirting and going out in search of new love.

At 30, 40 or older, she thinks she is no longer in such good shape, that work and children are a priority and she doesn’t have time for “those things” or that she has nowhere else to go because, everywhere, she only sees people very young. “Moreover, the more experienced woman is also more selective, she doesn’t embark on just anything”, defends psychoanalyst and couples therapist Luiz Alberto Hanns, author of A Equação do Casamento (Companhia das Letras). “This is a relevant factor, as it makes flirting stressful for her.” In this endeavor, social networks can be of great value. They were a great ally for businesswoman Aurea de Holanda, 61, when their 26-year union came to an end. The internet has helped her, she says, on several occasions and in different ways. It was, for example, on Facebook that she found a love from adolescence, with whom she is now “remarried”. “Urban life has become more solitary, because it has lost many connections that used to exist”, opines Luiz Alberto Hanns. And encourages: “In this scenario, the internet is an alternative that needs to be taken into account and without prejudice”.

But access to social media should only be seen as one of the facilitators to rebuild after the breakup. There are other helps, such as friendships and a willingness to go out, travel and see the world. This is what human resources executive Glaucy Bossi, 39, remembers, who filed for divorce after seven years of marriage and two children – and, after three years of being single, remarried with a co-worker, with whom she had a daughter. Today, the two no longer work together, but they have a great relationship at home. And Glaucy is determined to do everything differently from her first marriage. Her testimonies and that of the other interviewees in this article show that, yes, there is a lot of life after a marriage ends – and it can be as good or even better than the old one.

Check out the testimony of three women who turned it around:

“It is completely different to be single at 18 and at 30”, Glaucy Bocci, 39, human resources executive

“One of my traits is not taking too long to make decisions. I’m not one to cook bad things. So it’s not surprising that I got married young, at 23, to a man 19 years my senior, after dating for just one year. I soon became pregnant and, at 25, became the mother of twins. But the age gap between my then-husband and I started to get to me. We were in different moments of life, with expectations and interests that did not match. But as I took the initiative to separate, I felt guilty and sad about leaving home with my children. It’s hard when you’re the one leaving. But I was still young, in my thirties, and I had friends of all kinds, single, married, and divorced. I looked for more of this conviviality. Today, I even take good care of friendship relationships, because I know that we run the risk of moving away from them during a marriage.

It’s completely different being single at 18 and being single at 30. The second time around, I was my own boss, I had money, I was in a good place in my career and I could go to nice places. I went to bars, restaurants, even trips with people who didn’t care about ‘being separated’. But I needed to rediscover myself as a woman. My friends joked that I was back on the market after all. It was true! So I had to feel attractive. It was nice to live this transformation: I lost weight, I started to dress up more, I started to feel more beautiful.

When I kissed him again on the mouth, the first one after the breakup, it was really crazy. It was a new perfume, a new skin… This was a pleasant phase, which lasted about three years, until the relationship with my current husband began. We were co-workers, but we had nothing. It wasn’t love at first sight. We worked together for years and were slow to leave. Then we dated for four years, until we decided that we were going to live together. I made a different arrangement. When I got separated, I moved to a bigger apartment, where my children, my parents, who always helped me, and myself could fit. When I decided to remarry, my mother felt that she should have privacy. Therefore, today I live only with my second husband and our 4-year-old daughter. One block from our apartment are my parents and children from my first marriage. It’s a modern solution and it works. I pick everyone up from school, take them to the club, we travel… I don’t care about conventions. The experience taught me to better accept the particularities of each one and be more resilient.”

“After 26 years of marriage, I decided to step out of the shadows”, Aurea de Holanda, 61, businesswoman

“At the age of 61, I live to the fullest! I found my great love again, I found out who I am, my business is working, my children are doing well, all of this adds up and results in my happiness! A lot has happened to get here. I got married rashly at the age of 20, after eight months of dating. It was 1974. I had lost my father and was emotionally lacking. I had four children. My then-husband was a good father, very present, and the children were always in the foreground. I stayed there, hiding. But I was exaggeratedly requested at home: I spent three decades practically just being a mother. After 26 years of marriage, I decided to step out of the shadows. It was a shock for the partner. By then I was empowered and even my children were suggesting that I separate. My husband and I were partners in a company and, with the separation, he stayed with me. I started dedicating myself to just that, to work. As I am reserved and demanding, it was after two years that I got involved with someone again. It was even easy, because he had delicacy, and I looked for people like that. But, over the course of five years, the relationship wore down, one began to think that he owned the other. And I definitely didn’t want anyone else picking on my foot, wanting to boss me around.

Social media helped me a lot at this stage. My life was from home to work, from work to home. And he spent the weekends in the middle of the books. On the internet, I met a group of women, almost all separated, who supported me. To regain my self-esteem, I went with them to a dance class. A therapy! On my 55th birthday, I danced a tango and, there, I felt the change. Before, I was very restrained, I kept all my feelings. I began to express my sensuality thanks to the sensitivity of tango. In 2010, again on the internet, I found that old love on Facebook! Since I live in Curitiba and he lives in Belo Horizonte, for four years we only spoke. In January of last year, we arranged to meet on the Copacabana promenade, in Rio de Janeiro, and it was beautiful! As soon as I laid eyes on him, I didn’t have any worries, I felt super safe. So, at 60, I started dating again and from a distance! Today, I know exactly who I am and what I want. I think this relationship format is only possible because I’m mature. At 20, we want to be together all the time.”

“I needed to find someone who had more to do with me”, Fernanda Poli, 31 years old, social media analyst

“I met my ex-husband when I was a child, in the same church our parents attended. We dated for about five years, and when I was 23, we got married. For a while, we were happy, but always with many conflicts. Today I believe that, unconsciously, my marriage has to do with my father. My mother died when I was 7 and it was just him and me. Naturally, there was a strong emotional connection between us and he was concerned about my future. Getting married was a way to reassure him, to show that I was on the right track. When he died, almost five years ago, it was a blow. I saw life leaving and it hit me: I need to be happy, life ends! In the wedding,…