Solomon’s syndrome – children facing separation from parents

The separation of a couple with children implies, in many cases, that the latter show what is known as Solomon syndrome. The little ones suddenly struggle between two affections, between two homes and two ways of upbringing…

Parental separation has a profound and multidimensional effect on children. A divorce, a breakup, the end of cohabitation in a couple with children, in most cases means facing a very common dynamic that experts call Solomon syndrome. It occurs when that little one must suddenly assume not only that separation, but also two ways of life.

This condition It involves experiencing a series of emotions, alterations and feelings in the face of a reality for which they are not prepared. Suddenly, his world unfolds and two homes appear, two styles of education, two types of upbringing and a series of psycho-affective codes that a child is not always able to process.

Experts in child psychology call this reality the phenomenon of the child split in two. Likewise, a third, no less important factor also appears. The parents, that couple who have just broken up their relationship, also face their own emotional and personal shipwreck. Thus, the fact of facing their own psychological chaos in the face of this new stage does not always allow them to be as available or attentive to that child or those who do not quite understand what is happening.

They are undoubtedly very complex situations where the challenges are infinite, but where at the same time there is an undeniable fact: Children do not get divorced, our little ones need our best attention at those times.

An emotional relationship often has an expiration date. This is something we cannot foresee. However, there is something that does not end, and that is our responsibility to our children.

What do we understand by Solomon Syndrome

Biblical stories tell that two mothers fought over a child, each claiming that it was her son. They went to see the wise King Solomon who decided, upon seeing the problem, to cut the child in two to distribute equally. The story ends with the cry of the real mother to whom her son was returned, logically, whole.

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In this framework, we see the reflection of our current situation: The parents separate and the child, divided between two affections, suffers from Solomon syndrome. (Barbero and Bilbao, 2008).

The end of a relationship seen from a child’s perspective

Regardless of whether paternal separation is more or less traumatic, The adaptation period from the moment the separation occurs until a new routine is acquired, entails a set of emotional alterations and conflicting feelings for children. who see how their family structure changes drastically.

Paying attention to these symptoms is the key to avoiding larger psychological disorders.

Emotions and experiences about parental separation

Logically Depending on age, Solomon syndrome takes one form or another.

Communication will always be the key to improving the situation. There is especially something that can never be forgotten: the feelings of sadness, abandonment or guilt that children may feel must be expressed and listened to. Regressions, anxiety, emotional confusion and fighting loyalties are common feelings that must be brought out. For a toddler Separation from parents is experienced only as physical separation and they usually feel it as if it were something temporary. With their egocentric thinking, they feel tremendously guilty thinking that they have caused the breakup.

As the child enters adolescence, their greater intellectual and emotional development, allow them to consider the situations that occur and understand reasons; They continue to look for blame anyway, this time in the parents themselves or in external situations.

In any case, it is not only age that marks the experience of separation. Factors such as the changes that this separation causes in their life, the way in which the parents and those close to them experience the problem and the child’s own personality make up a puzzle for which there are no recipes.

Inform the children of the separation

Solomon syndrome inevitably occurs, but in the hands of adults it is left to overcome it more or less quickly. And one of the factors that marks the beginning of the end is how parents communicate with their children.

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There is no right time to tell it.. What is always said is true: children have enormous emotional receptivity and have probably been picking up on the discomfort between parents and arguments for some time. But, that does not mean that they understand that the definitive breakup is going to occur, so you have to talk expressly about the topic.

Keys in communication

The first is that the child understand the separation. It is not about making them participate in blame, complaints and fights, but rather about understanding that the parents are no longer getting along and have decided to end the relationship, promoting the idea that no one is to blame and that they will be forever.

The second is observe children’s feelings and behaviors, asking for psychological help early if excessive guilt or confusion is observed.

The third is to reach a balance between the need to maintain common standards in both houses, that the child knows that they must always be fulfilled and the need to create different routines than before, since the situation has changed.

In short, a separation is always a moment of pain, but any traumatic situation involves a necessary adaptation. It is on the path to returning to normality that we must help the child.so that the symptoms of Solomon syndrome are alleviated to the greatest extent possible.