Similar or complementary: what is better in a couple?

When faced with the question of whether the members of a couple should be similar or complementary, perhaps it is best to say that every relationship requires flexibility and openness.

Similar or complementary? That is the question that many people ask themselves when choosing a partner.. While some think that “opposites attract”, others want to avoid big differences at all costs to prevent conflicts.

The truth is that both positions have a reasonable basis.. Those who think that a relationship is better with someone who is different, and therefore complementary, believe that, for example, two irritable people will end up clashing. Those who are inclined to look for a partner similar to them point out that differences sooner or later create cracks.

There are also those who adopt an intermediate position. In his opinion, in reality the point is not that the two are similar or complementary, but that they are so in the right ways. Similar in some features and complementary in others. What does psychology tell us about it?

“I have read somewhere that to love each other you have to have similar principles, with opposite tastes.”.

-George Sand-

The charm of the opposite

When a person doesn’t have an opinion very positive about herself, will often be attracted to those who are different. You will see in the other an opportunity to project or materialize something you would like to be, without achieving it. For example, someone feels that he goes unnoticed and wants his partner to be very popular.

There is also the case of those who, more than a couple They look for a symbiosis to move forward. The typical scenario is that of an insecure and fearful person, who needs the strength of another to protect him or give him the necessary support. In principle, this is not negative if it promotes growth. But if it encourages dependency, it becomes unhealthy.

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Likewise, it is the case of those who When faced with the option: similar or complementary, they choose the latter, because they see the couple as a team. Sometimes almost like a business. That is why they think (and we must emphasize the word “they think”) that it is better to combine strengths and weaknesses to enhance common achievements.

Similar or opposite?

Science has also asked whether it is better for the members of a couple to be similar or complementary. A study was carried out at the University of Kansas in which 1,523 couples were examined. They found that, in 86% of cases, similar couples lasted longer.

Another study from the University of Michigan came to a similar conclusion.. Apparently, what has the most weight is that there are agreements on aspects related to personality, values, attitudes, recreational activities, alcohol consumption and the use of technologies.

Everything indicates that sometimes people are attracted to what is different. This generates curiosity and is seen as an opportunity to explore new emotional territories. However, Over time what was a novelty begins to become a barrier. The differences then take on a negative value.

The answer: complementary

In the end, life is often observed from a dichotomous perspective: similar or different, with nothing in between. However, it has been affirmed for a long time that differentiated traits between one person and another are never bad if they complement each other in a healthy way.

Thus, a 2007 study already stated that romantic couples who reported the highest levels of quality were more similar in terms of warmth, but more different in terms of dominance. That is, when two people are very submissive or very dominant, the quality of the relationship drops, unlike when both levels complement each other.

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Openness and flexibility

The dilemma that arises with the question; similar or complementary is a bit artificial. There is no way for us to find either a partner who completely matches us or someone who perfectly complements each other. the gaps or needs of our world. In reality, each person reaffirms us and contrasts us at the same time. That is why the alternatives are somewhat illusory.

That said, it should also be noted that all studies in this regard indicate that similarity in tastes and basic attitudes is very important. Even so, there will always be aspects in which the members of the couple will have to give in. The most stable couples are made up of those who are capable of being flexible with each other.

The differences between members of the couple are healthy. They are a factor that contributes to mutual growth. A good part of emotional life has to do with how space is given to these differences. When these are few and small, there is a high probability that this will be achieved successfully and in the long term. If the differences are very deep, there is a greater chance that the negotiation will become complicated.

So there is an answer to the question: similar or complementary? And the answer is: both. Similar in essence and complementary based on voluntary and conscious agreements. Finally, that’s what love is about: finding a balance between self-reaffirmation, contributing to the reaffirmation of the other.