Should I forgive to heal?

Fact Checked

Under review

Forgiveness is a difficult milestone to achieve. Its value is incalculable, as is the damage that society or a group can cause when it tries to impose it, as if it were an obligation.

Forgiving is not an easy challenge. In fact, it usually gets more complicated the closer the person who caused the damage is and the deeper the damage. Today we want to go a little deeper and try to answer a question: Is it necessary to forgive to heal?

In reality, no matter how many strategies or ideas we can propose, There is no universal manual for repairing wounds. Neither those that we cause, nor those that cause us. On the other hand, and in the same context, there is pain: sometimes of such intensity that it prevents progress towards forgiveness or the construction of a story that allows us to rebuild the skin.

Forgiveness, what is it about?

If we go to the most exact meaning of the word forgive, we can cite the Royal Spanish Academy that defines it as ‘said of someone who has been harmed by it: remit the debt, offense, fault, crime or something else’.

On the other hand, beyond semantics, in each culture forgiveness is lived and conceived in a different way; even the same person, at different stages of their life, can work with different meanings of the term.

On the other hand, This action is associated with a form of relief for both parties; It has even been considered therapeutic. Many of the people who manage to reach the milestone report that with forgiveness they have achieved the release of a great burden.

Read Also: 10 questions you should ask yourself to give meaning to your life

Forgive to heal as an obligation

In certain societies or groups, the idea is projected that forgiveness is a virtue that, due to its qualities, even becomes a kind of duty.. Thus, the fact that in some contexts it carries the character of obligation makes many people appear to grant it or achieve it, cutting off the natural process itself. Thus, the false projection of forgiveness ends up becoming an obstacle to granting, achieving or receiving it.

If we think about situations that most would find complex to assume, for example, a rape, perhaps it is easier to understand why it can be so difficult to forgive. Now, if a person who has suffered from this event feels obliged to forgive, they may even feel guilty for not doing so.

So, Forgiving would not always be healing. if what it does is prolong the suffering over time. Therefore, we could reconsider when forgiveness is appropriate.

TOForgiveness is sometimes associated with forgetting a mistake.. When we force ourselves to do so, we can also cause ourselves great harm. For this reason, there are those who think that forgiveness goes beyond forgetting, they propose that it is about letting go of the burden so as not to hurt ourselves, even if we can remember it, only that by letting go we would do so without resentment.

Forgive to heal as a choice

Instead, If forgiving is more aimed at a sincere choiceYes, it allows us to heal, Even in those situations that we believe it is unimaginable to achieve forgiveness.

Read Also: D'Zurilla and Goldfried's problem-solving technique

How would it be possible? If we see forgiveness as an act of letting go, not exclusively of reconciliation. Well, we can let go of resentment and anger, or express it, feeling that we forgive what happened and visualizing it as learning. But if we see it as an act of reconciliation, it is more complex to apply it to all situations.

Besides, We are within our rights to take the time to forgive and not to do so, and even heal without this action. Not all healing involves forgiveness. For example, resilience helps us overcome situations that caused us great pain.

Now, if we want to work on forgiveness or explore in depth how it is conceived, there are books that can help. An example would be The seven steps of forgiveness by Daniel Lumera who shows us what the authentic meaning of forgiveness is.

Furthermore, if it is difficult for us to do so, we can redefine experiences. That is, giving them a meaning that is healthier for us. Thus, we enhance learning and are in tune with who we are, without having to force it.

In sum, Forgiving to heal is a matter that depends on each of us, of the perception we have about forgiveness, of the beliefs associated with it that we have, of the society in which we live, of what we have learned, etc. If it adds steps to our well-being, go ahead!