Selfish people are incapable of loving themselves

We commonly have the ingrained idea that selfish people are narcissistic. With the belief that these people only care about themselves, that they value and love themselves above all else. However, the reality is very different, Selfish people not only have difficulty loving others, but themselves as well.

We understand that a selfish person is one who is only interested in himself.. He lacks respect and interest in the needs of others, he relates to people mainly for their usefulness, and for the benefits he can extract from them.

They therefore establish instrumental relationships to meet their needs, without taking into account the emotional component of people.. This can happen, in turn, for fear of becoming too involved in relationships and being damaged. So, really, what they would be doing is running away from love.

The selfish person does not get satisfaction from giving, his concern is basically focused on what he will receive in return.. It can appear that all this energy that he focuses on himself is due to the love he has. However, all these actions imply a great inability to love oneself.

“She sees nothing but herself; judges everyone according to their usefulness; she is basically incapable of love. Doesn’t that prove that concern for others and for oneself are inevitable alternatives? It would be like this if selfishness and self-love were identical. But such an assumption is precisely the fallacy that has led to so many erroneous conclusions regarding our problems.”

-Erich Fromm-

Being selfish is the opposite of self-love.

Self-love often tends to be confused with being selfish. The person who loves himself is far from resembling the selfish person.. Since there are marked differences that denote a real concern both for themselves and for the people around them.

When we investigate our own knowledge of ourselves, we in turn begin to better understand others. Knowledge itself is the only way to be aware of all our limitations and our lack of acceptance; and of all our fears underlying our behavior.

“Egoism and self-love, far from being identical, are actually opposites. The selfish individual does not love himself too much, but rather too little; In reality, he hates himself. Such lack of affection and care for himself, which is nothing more than the expression of his lack of productivity, leaves him empty and frustrated. He necessarily feels unhappy and anxiously worried about extracting from life the satisfactions that he prevents himself from obtaining.

-Erich Fromm-

Love each other to be able to love

It is conditio sine qua non love yourself first so you can love others. This fact is fundamental and is very far from what selfishness is. Attend and listen to our own needs, giving them the value they deserve; It involves self-respect, which is essential to learning to love yourself.

Taking our emotions into consideration, expressing and accepting them, makes us more authentic people. with ease to relate to each other from intimacy and trust. And not through the fear of being harmed, which only leads to superficial relationships, where we add layers that prevent us from seeing our capacity to love.

“The idea expressed in the biblical “Love your neighbor as yourself” implies that respect for one’s own integrity and uniqueness, love and understanding of one’s own self, cannot be separated from respect, love and understanding. of the other individual. Love for oneself is inseparably linked to love for any other being.”

-Erich Fromm-

We deceive ourselves believing that we love

Just as the person who is selfish is incapable of loving, the person who has great concern for others is no less so., and who dedicates herself completely to those around her, disconnecting from herself. She thus believes that she feels so much love that she is able to give up her needs.

This example is easy to see in overprotective mothers and in people who forget about themselves to pay attention to others, and be there for them when they need it. They are people who pour themselves into the needs of others, making them their own.

This way of loving can be confused with very good people, who are willing to give themselves selflessly, and love their neighbor even more than themselves. It is just as deceptive as the egoist’s belief that he loves himself very much. Both ways of loving are a self-deception in which an exaggerated compensation for their inability to love is manifested..

“It is easier to understand selfishness by comparing it with avid concern for others, such as that found, for example, in an overprotective mother. Although she consciously believes that she is extremely affectionate toward her son, she in reality has a deeply repressed hostility toward the object of her concerns. “Her exaggerated care is not due to excessive love for the child, but rather because she must compensate for her total inability to love him.”

-Erich Fromm-

As we can see in the examples of selfish people and people who don’t care about themselves, these are two ways in which self-love does not exist. thuslove towards other people cannot exist.

“It follows that my own person must be an object of my love just as another person is. The affirmation of one’s life, happiness, growth and freedom is rooted in one’s own capacity to love, that is, in care, respect, responsibility and knowledge. If an individual is capable of loving productively, he also loves himself; “If he only loves others, he cannot love at all.”

-Erich Fromm-