Returning to live with parents: 3 keys to facilitate coexistence

Motivated by a couple breakup or economic scarcity, many people are forced to return to live in their parents’ house. Although this situation can be a source of conflict, It is always possible to find the right formula to reach a cordial coexistence.

In recent months, due to the health-economic crisis that we are experiencing, these cases have multiplied.

Many people who had jobs in other cities or countries and had become financially independent have lost their livelihood and have been forced to return to live with their parents. How to facilitate coexistence when this happens?

Why conflicts can arise

People who have lived alone and independently for months or even years find themselves, overnight, being treated again as they were when they were teenagers. His parents, following the routines of long ago, they try to control their meals, the clothes they wear or their schedules.

If, in addition, they have returned with children, when the grandparents clash and interfere with the parenting style that the father or mother wants, conflicts multiply.

Besides, By reliving these kinds of situations, many patterns from the past are reactivated. and the person who returns may experience a kind of spontaneous regression and end up reacting immaturely and vehemently to this attempt to control.

These types of situationsIt ends up generating great tension in all family members. In fact, the patterns related to the family of origin, being the most ingrained in the mind, are the most difficult to change. But that does not mean that it is impossible to achieve it.

Claudia’s case

Living together again can be helpful for both parties (parents share the housework or help with the children and, in turn, they feel accompanied and supported at home), but in the long run, If the small differences are not solved, the situation becomes more difficult and each feels a loss of their freedoms. This same thing happened to Claudia and her parents.

After separating from her husband, Claudia had to go back to live with her parents. The economic crisis affected her husband’s work and hers, living together became increasingly difficult and, in the end, the situation became untenable.

Claudia returned to her parents’ house with her 7-year-old son. Conflicts were not long in appearing. His parents used to talk to him like they did when he was a teenager and they controlled his outings, his schedules and his meals.

In addition, they also interfered in her son’s upbringing, scolding her for not raising him more strictly.

On the other hand, Claudia, exhausted after some very hard years, got used to the comfort that her parents took care of all the housework and was not involved in preparing meals or cleaning home or in the purchase of food or household items.

When the situation became almost untenable, Claudia, who had known me for a long time, decided to contact me for family counseling sessions.

After a couple of sessions, everyone working on the impact of living together again, they were able to come together to talk, like adults, about their new situation.

Helped by my mediation, They managed to reach a cordial understanding in which Claudia assumed part of the responsibility chores and her parents lowered their pressure level, leaving her more space to reorganize her life.

This new family model is not the traditional one (parents who raise their children under their rules), but rather rerequires a new model of coexistence between adults.

3 steps to create a peaceful coexistence

To create a cordial and beneficial coexistence, for all parties, the old rules, obviously obsolete, have to change. It is necessary to seek new agreements, adapted to the new situation, that benefit both parties.

Let’s see what steps are necessary to reach these agreements:

1. Grasp the other

In general, this is not a desired situation, but has been caused by a serious life crisis. Both parties may experience discomfort and discomfort. Parents may have felt their privacy and peace of mind invaded, while children, who have been forced to abandon their way of life, may feel controlled and limited in their freedom.

The first step to bring positions closer is for each party to make an effort to understand the other.

2. Value the benefits

If a calm and balanced coexistence is achieved, everyone can win. Keep in mind the benefits that can be achieved, it should be the motivation that helps in the next step.

3. Negotiate the new rules

Each party must understand that the current situation it is different from when, in the past, the children were small and lived at home. Now, parents should no longer have the pressure to educate and raise their children, now adults. Besides, the children cannot return to comfort either that parents take care of all the housework, without having any responsibility.

From the beginning, it is necessary to negotiate and agree, among all, the new rules of coexistence. You must take into account what tasks each one will perform and how to respect, at all times, the privacy of others.