Relationships between parents and children: why are they so complicated?

Some people have the privilege of enjoying excellent parent-child ties. However, In general terms, the relationships between parents and children are complicated and not as satisfactory as we would like. Resentment, guilt, dependence and ambivalence are emotions that are very present. But why does this happen? And, more importantly, what can we do to solve it?

We all know adults who feel that spending time with their parents is an obligation or a bittersweet experience; perhaps, because they perceive them as intrusive or manipulative.

Likewise, there are many fathers and mothers who feel that their children are cold and ungrateful, feeling dissatisfied with the relationship. Who is right and who is to blame? Actually, Many times it is the dynamics of the relationship itself, and not the people themselves, that are responsible for making this happen.. And below we will tell you why.

Why are relationships between parents and children so complicated?

This is the primary link

The main reason why these relationships between parents and children are so complicated, conflictive or painful is because this is the primary bond. That is to say, the first we experience at birth and the one that has the greatest influence on our mental and emotional development.

The bond between a child and his parents is the most intense, and this also makes him the most demanding. Every act, every gesture and every word of adults impacts the child and shapes the child’s perception of himself and the world. For the same, the failure of a parent, the lack of this source damages at a much deeper level than if it came from anyone else.

This great demand can lead parents to experience the bond with anxiety and guilt.. Additionally, it can lead children to deeply resent rejection, abandonment, and the rest of the emotional wounds that can arise from this relationship.

Expectations are unrealistic

On the other hand, expectations are the origin of many of the conflicts and sufferings that accompany relationships between parents and children. What happens is that frequently we feel hurt, disappointed or frustrated because our parents were not “as they should be”.

But what does this mean? They simply did not meet our expectations; although these were, in many cases, rigid and unrealistic.

However, by not reflecting, we can drag the resentment of that child who did not get what he needed and who continues to react to this day when he perceives in his parents what hurts him because he has not healed.

But expectations don’t just play in one direction. And it is that It is also very common for parents to expect very specific characteristics and achievements from their children.. Thus, when these are not met, it is perceived as a personal attack, as if it were an offense that this son dares to follow his own path.

Lack of limits

Finally, the element that causes conflicts to persist and escalate is usually the lack of limits. Frequently, we allow our parents and children behaviors that we would not tolerate from anyone else.

For example, when a child attacks his parents or takes advantage of them, boundaries are being violated. When a parent insults or offends her child’s partner, it is also happening. Why do we tolerate it? Because sometimes we confuse the close proximity of this bond with the right to cross red lines.

How to improve relationships between parents and children?

As you see, The relationships between parents and children contain a strong emotional charge that develops for years.. However, there are some steps we can take to heal the wounds:

Take responsibility for ourselves. This implies, as children, accept that our parents did what they could and that everything happened in a certain way. We can no longer change this past; But, as adults, we are now the only ones responsible for our well-being. Adjust expectations. As parents, We cannot expect our children to conform to our desires, we must allow them to be at every stage of their life.. In the same way, we must remember that being a father does not mean being perfect and our parents are not obliged to meet our ideals of what a father or mother should be. Be assertive. That is to say, be able to respectfully communicate our needs, emotions and requests. And, in the same way, set limits when we feel that the other party is going too far.You might be interested…