People who give to receive; who do favors, to ask

Sometimes they don’t do you favors, but rather they approach you with business. The bad they don’t tell you openly. Quite the opposite: they pass off their help as an act of generosity. And when you least think about it, they blame you for what they did for you. Or worse: they impose obligations on you that you never agreed to undertake.

Those who act in this way hide behind a false concept of gratitude. . They think that in all favors there is a commitment to return them.. They never make sure to check if the other person also thinks that way. They just show up to get paid or expect you to do something for them, even without being asked. Otherwise, they get angry and make a show of victimhood.

You finally realize that the favor was not a favor, but a trap . In these cases, this aid sets in motion a control and manipulation mechanism, which the other will activate when it suits him. And what makes it cheating is that it is a kind of contract that you never signed. The one who did you the favor signed for you.

Favors and their motivations

There are contexts in which it is clear that if they do you favors, you are in debt.. Politics, for example, is one of them. It also happens in the workplace: if you cover for a colleague, you expect him to do the same for you, if necessary. In both examples there is a factor that makes the equation transparent: they are favors between people who are united by a practical bond, not a family or emotional one.

Business type favors are agreed between people who do not necessarily have to support each other. There it is evident that if help is provided, it is done out of interest. There is no catch. This does not mean that sometimes favors are not done or received from strangers. You can help someone in need out of principle or simply because it’s what you want at that moment.

When what is involved is a closer relationship, which involves affection or stronger ties, both favor and gratitude, in principle, would have to be completely free. You help your family, your partner or a friend because you want to, because you can and because it makes you feel good. When you do it you feel satisfaction. You don’t have a mental notebook where you record it as a debt receivable. If you keep accounts, don’t say you did a favor, but rather that you initiated a negotiation.

When the remedy is worse than the disease

Unfortunately, there are many people who do keep strict accounts of the favors they have done. The most serious thing about this is that they charge when they want and how they want. As long as an explicit agreement was never made with the other, in any circumstance they can appear to collect the favor they did you.

Even more serious when you have to pay for a favor by enduring the abuse or violence of the person who did it to you.. It is not uncommon for aggressive and conflictive people to also tend to be “generous” with others. They do you a favor. Then they get angry, explode, or become hysterical. If you don’t say anything, everything is fine. If you say something, they will blame you for the favor they did you. This is how they charge you: with impunity for what they do. Even sexual abuse is sometimes based on a chain of favors.

It is also common for reciprocated and unrequited favors to form part of the discourse of those who are victimized.. A common trait in those who feel sorry for themselves is precisely that. They have a long inventory where everything they have done for others is recorded. And also, of course, all the details of the times when his many favors have not been reciprocated. This helps them sustain their basic sophistry: they are the victims of others.

A popular maxim says that a favor, to be a favor, must include ingratitude.. In essence this statement is completely valid. Favor is the result of generosity, of the awareness that every human being in need must be supported by those who are able to do so. The payment of every favor is the satisfaction it generates in those who do it. He who gives, shows capacity and power, in the best sense of that word. What does he want more him for?

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