People who compare us with others, why do they do it?

There is a very widespread bad habit. In fact, it is common to suffer from it almost from childhood, a place where our parents may have compared us to others, highlighting what others achieve and we do not. Also in adulthood, comparisons are common by people who, with good or bad faith, highlight what others do or have and what, according to them, we lack.

Daring to be different seems to be little more than a challenge in a society that reinforces the normative. What’s more, sometimes we don’t even seek to make differences from others; But it is enough to deviate a little from what for many is “socially expected” for someone to instantly point the finger at us.

Nobody is like another. Neither better nor worse, it is another; and comparisons are odious, said Jean Paul-Sartre. However, the human being’s weak point is to compare himself and others. It seems almost like a vice, a very contagious obsession that undermines personal growth and destroys identities.

Because those who compare us with others, and most of us have experienced this at some point, do not do so to praise what makes us unique and special; He does it to highlight what we lack, what fails or is not normative.

Comparison is poison to self-esteem. It is especially so if we exercise it ourselves, if we have the bad habit of looking at our surroundings to give ourselves value. Now, it is just as harmful when others do it, when it is our family or our partner who likes to distort our image, potential or character by comparing ourselves to others.

People who compare us to others: reasons why they do it

The theory of social comparison, stated by social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, tells us something interesting. When a person is left without obvious clues about his effectiveness, worth, or characteristics, he turns his attention to those around him. In this way, it obtains a reference about itself to make an assessment. Thus, and in some way, the human being seeks to define himself by also taking others as a reference.

We know this is a source of constant frustration. However, Why are there those who compare us with others? Let’s give some examples on this topic. Let’s imagine a mother who always compares her two daughters. She reminds the youngest, almost every day, that at the same age as her, the older sister already had a good job, a stable partner, and her first child.

Likewise, and if that were not enough, this same girl suffers the weight of comparisons from her partner. This tells her that she is almost as insecure as one of her co-workers or that she physically looks more and more like one of her cousins. Something like this undoubtedly has a determining effect on this young woman’s self-esteem. These types of verbalizations undermine and create insecurities and even complexes.

As Confucius said, complexes come as passengers. At first they are mere guests but in the end they remain true masters. And if others also reinforce and feed them daily, the consequences can be very exhausting. Let’s see next why they do it, why there are people who compare us with others.

Lack of Emotional Intelligence

Those who compare us with others have, above all, low Emotional Intelligence. We must be very clear about this aspect so as not to let ourselves be overwhelmed by this very common practice. Thus, those people who resort so readily to the use of comparisons lack that empathy with which to understand that each being is unique, exceptional in character, essence, presence and values.

If they do not understand this reality, they do not connect with us, there is no respect, they are not able to put themselves in our place. Likewise, another principle of Emotional Intelligence is correct communication. Within this approach, something that is always taken into account is that the use of comparisons is not valid and even less helpful.

If we want to draw a person’s attention to something regarding their behavior, we will talk to them about their behavior without referring to third parties. An example: we cannot tell a child ““You are as clumsy in math as your brother Pablo, none of you have a remedy.”. Instead of using this statement, the correct thing would be to say “I see that you have problems in math, but I think that if you try a little and ask questions about what you don’t understand, you will overcome it.”

People who don’t value what they have

People who compare us to others possibly do not appreciate what they have. Parents do it when you think other people’s children are more diligent. It is done by that person who does not appreciate his partner as he deserves. Furthermore, we also do not value ourselves when we compare ourselves to others.

Thus, in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyby doctors Sebastian Deri and Shai Davidai, tell us that those who have the bad habit of comparing themselves or their close ones with third parties do not appreciate what they are and what they have. Their pessimistic and non-conformist bias means that they never fully appreciate their loved ones as they are..

And something like that is highly problematic.

People who compare us to others use emotional manipulation

Last but not least, we have a third option. Those who compare us with others may also have other motives, which are none other than manipulating us and undermining our self-esteem. In fact, it is a common tactic among those who wish to exercise control, because constant comparison is an exercise in humiliation and contempt.

How to act when we are compared to others?

It is understandable that you feel bad, devalued and irritated when you are compared to others. That is why we must learn to respond and protect ourselves in these situations.

When you are being compared to others, be it your parents or other close people, assertively communicate how this affects you. Well, it’s very likely that they haven’t realized how much those comments hurt you.Be aware of your strengths and work on your self-esteem. This will help you realize that comparisons are not justified and that the problem does not lie with you, but with the other person. It is important that work on compassion and acceptance of yourself. Remember that you are a unique and valuable person, who has defects and virtues like the rest of the people. To the extent that you accept and love yourself just as you are, the comparisons of others will not have a greater effect on you.

To conclude, as we can see, those people who compare us with others lack those basic tools of sociability, respect and empathy. Let’s avoid giving them power, let’s not allow these behaviors and always defend our individuality.. Being unique, different and singular is our best value.

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