Parentification, when the child’s responsibilities are not appropriate to his or her age

Emotional parentification is a harmful and invisible dynamic that appears in many families. It happens when a child becomes the confidant or advisor of one of his or her parents. This reality forms a type of invisible trauma that is not always talked about and that, however, many people carry with them to this day.

There are many adults who were parentified children when they acted as caregivers for their parents. Also, when they became those figures who always mediated with the problems of the elderly. Having to take this step and assume responsibilities that are not appropriate for someone who is 8, 10 or 12 years old completely alters the psychosocial development of the person.

The causes that orchestrate this type of circumstances are multiple. They can range from financial problems to mental health disorders or addictions. They are situations of high stress that inoculate a bitter and adverse emotional burden., capable of leaving a mark for life. We delve deeper into this topic.

Having to be the caregiver or confidant of the parents alters psychosocial development.

Emotional parentification: characteristics and origins

Parentification is a term coined by psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy and that defines those situations in which a child assumes the responsibilities of an adult. This disruption of generational boundaries by reversing roles completely sacrifices the needs of childhood. Their psychosocial development is also affected.

If we think about it, these types of situations were frequent in the past. Many of our grandmothers, for example, often tell us how as children they had to take care of their little brothers and family. Not too many decades ago, girls assumed responsibilities from an early age that were not appropriate for their age. The same thing happened with the children.

In fact, it is still common to see this practice in third world countries. Now, within parentification, that is, that process in which a minor exercises the obligations of an adult, there is a particular dynamic. We are talking about that which concerns the world of emotions.

We can define emotional parentification as that practice in which a child becomes the confidant, advisor and emotional caregiver of an adult. This reality has an immense psychological cost on the child’s mind.

“Emotional incest”, a very common harmful practice

Experts often label emotional parentification as a form of “psychological incest.” Suddenly the child assumes (on a psychological level) a responsibility similar to that of an emotional partner. That is, he must listen to the fears, concerns, desires and needs of her parents. And not only that. Many times the adult even goes so far as to ask her own child for advice.

To dump on a child the vital dissatisfactions of an adult, as well as their psycho-emotional problems, It is still an obvious form of psychological abuse. Because the mental load can be enormous. An example of this is a mother who tells her 9-year-old son all of her problems in her marriage.

We must keep in mind, no boy or girl is mentally and emotionally prepared to be a confidant and advisor to their parents. However, this is a dynamic that appears in many families.

Characteristics of emotional parentification

Emotional parentification manifests itself in many ways and, generally, the child begins to suffer from it from a very early age. Often, we can have children of 5 or 6 years old, who, without understanding what exactly their parents are telling them, already act as passive listeners to their life problems.

Let’s look at more features and associated behaviors:

Parents only talk to their children about their own needs and problems. The child’s own realities remain in the background.Parents attribute mature abilities to children that they do not have. They project onto them the idea that they are grown up, and that they can take responsibility for almost anything. In this way, they are conditioned to burden themselves with tasks that are not appropriate for their age.All kinds of intimacies, problems, needs, fears and anxieties are shared with them. What’s more, many times they are even asked for advice. Likewise, it is common for these children to have to look after their parents when they cry, suffer from anxiety, stress or insomnia. This responsibility sometimes causes them to miss class hours. Many of the adults who exercise emotional parentification commit autolytic acts (suicide attempts).

Effects of being confidants and emotional caregivers of adults

The University of Warsaw conducted an interesting study on the effects of emotional parentification. One of the most common consequences of having suffered these types of experiences in childhood is the risk of suffering from depressive disorders in adulthood.

When our parents turn us into objects to favor their own emotional regulation, we are denied all types of emotional needs and rights. Likewise, being subjected to a parental environment based on dependency traces a very complex social and psychoaffective development:

One of the effects of emotional parentification is to develop low self-esteem. Also, displacing one’s own emotional needs, something that translates in the short and long term into stress, anxiety, etc. There is a greater risk of establishing relationships based on dependency in adulthood.Psychosomatic disorders usually appear, as well as possible eating disorders, addiction risks, etc.

Children who have experienced emotional parentification are at greater risk for mood disorders

What is the origin of these family dynamics?

The parentized child usually has clearly immature parents. The latter may be due to either a mental problem or a clear inability to assume the role of father or mother. Thus, and on average, the substrate that feeds this type of dynamics that are so harmful to the development of a child are the following:

Depressed parents who often carry their own psychological traumas.Parents with attachment problems (they focus all their emotional needs on the child). Addictions. Chronic illnesses or disabilities. Parents who engage in abusive behavior with their children.

In conclusion. It is necessary that, from the social environment of every child, we be able to identify the problems associated with parentification, whether emotional or instrumental. Few things are more harmful than losing childhood, than growing up in an environment in which the psycho-emotional needs of every creature are not met.

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