Paradoxical communication: 6 keys to understanding it

Why do people sometimes say yes when we are thinking a resounding no? Why do we prefer to remain silent and not say anything, if in reality we are very clear about what we want? What mechanism underlies these situations? Paradoxical communication is responsible.

Every day we find ourselves immersed in a large number of relationships. Therefore, the basis and, at the same time, The goal of human communication is to reach an understanding with others. Is it so difficult to get it?

Yes, but no and quite the opposite

The relationship we have with others is largely determined by the way we communicate. So understandings, assumptions, fallacies or ambiguities do not make good friends with communicative clarity.

Specific, Paradoxical communication is a contradiction resulting from a correct deduction from congruent premises. Although it may seem like a puzzle, with this example of a conversation between mother and daughter you will understand it perfectly:

“Honey, help me set the table” “Mom, I thought I’d better not stay for the family meal. “I prefer to go to the movies with a friend, okay?”“Well, you will see…”

Although it is probably the mother’s wish that her daughter stay for lunch, her words leave the decision in her daughter’s hands. The mother thinks one thing, says the opposite, and her daughter must infer that she wants her to stay. The doubt will arise between giving in to her mother’s hidden intention or sticking to the content. Whatever he does will influence her mother, causing a change in the relationship. This is an example of paradoxical communication.

For the mother’s response to be consistent with what she wants, she should have expressed:

“No. “You better stay here, eat with us and you’ll go to the movies another day with your friend.”

Like this case, there are many more that occur in our daily lives and of which we are barely aware. It is evident that Not only the content of the message that is to be transmitted matters, but also the intention behind it.

Paradox is characterized by ambiguity

“Calm me down with your explanations” but “no matter what you tell me, nothing is going to calm me down.” One thing and the opposite.

Paradoxical communication is based on the diversity of ways in which we can interpret the same message. We doubt the other person’s intentions and we choose to interpret what it tells us in the way that best suits us or what we think it means.

The point is that this explanation that we construct does not have to coincide with the one that the other wants to transmit to us. Or if. There is the uncertainty, confusion and misunderstanding.
The more specific we are in what we want to convey, the less room we will leave for ambiguity. and greater communication quality we will have with others.

The logic of Watzlawich’s disagreement

Paul Watzlawick was an Austrian theorist and psychologist who became a reference in the field of Psychotherapy. His research tried to explain why it is sometimes so difficult to achieve metacommunication and so easy the opposite: to misunderstanding. To understand it, it is good to know his 5 axioms of human communication:

It is impossible not to communicate: Communication always occurs, because at the very least, the message is transmitted that you do not want to communicate. Silence is also communication.All communication has a content level (what) and a relationship level (how).The nature of a relationship depends on the gradation that the participants make of the communication sequences between them: the communicative process is a feedback systemgenerated by a sender and a receiver.Human communication involves two modalities: digital level and analog level. We will delve into both below. Communication exchanges can be both symmetrical and complementary: depending on whether or not there is equality in the relationship.

Human communication involves two modalities

For Watzlawick, there are two types of language to express the same content: the analog and digital level.

Digital level: what is said. It refers to the content of the message, which is understandable, direct and does not need to be translated. When you say “I need more affection”, “I am very happy”, “I want you to value me”. There There is no room for interpretation. The signified and the signifier coincide.Analog level: what is really meant. What is the intention or background hidden in those words. It involves a higher level of inference.

In the previous example, the mother would be transmitting to her daughter in these two types of language:

Digital level: “you decide if you stay for lunch or go to the movies” Analog level: “you stay here, because you are going to do what your mother tells you.”

The double bind theory

In the same way that these two levels can coincide, they can also contradict each other. Language and words do not have a double meaning by themselves, but we are the ones who attribute it to them.

Authors such as Bateson, Jackson, Haley and Weakland continued to delve into this phenomenon and spoke of the existence of a double bind: paradox turned contradiction. They studied this type of paradoxical communication in patients diagnosed with schizophrenia.

With the results of their research they tried to explain how the family context and communication influence the appearance and maintenance of this type of pathology. They defined the double bind as an unhealthy relationship that has the following properties and characteristics:

It occurs when a situation of great intensity or emotional charge takes place.There is a paradoxical communication: Two contradictory messages are broadcast at the same time. Most of the time, one verbally and the other non-verbally. It is the result of a degree of incongruence between the two previous levels (analog and digital).There is a power relationship between the one who sends the message and the one who receives it. The person emitting the message prevents the other from deciphering and speaking about the contradiction. Likewise, it leaves him no room to act. Whatever he does, he is caught in a trap.

Bateson illustrated the double bind with a very revealing example. He used the case of a family in which the older brother is constantly making fun of the younger brother, who is also a very shy child.

The mockery reaches such a point that the little one screams of frustration and helplessness as he feels despised. The consequences are that the brother stops bothering him, but the parents punish the little one for shouting.

In this situation the child is receiving two totally contradictory messages. On the one hand, you must express your feelings to be accepted (not be mocked). On the other hand, he should not do it to be equally accepted (if he shows them, the consequences will harm him). Which of them does he stay with?

The authors concluded that The double bind is a dysfunctional and unbalanced form of communication that disorients and confuses people. The subject does not know what to expect and this leads to a series of possible disorders and difficulties in the relationship with others and in himself.

As we can observe, We find ourselves surrounded by paradoxical communication and double binds. For example, when we find a sign that says “don’t read this”, someone who warns you “be more spontaneous” or “don’t be so obedient”. All of them seek contradictory answers in relation to what they announce.

We recommend this video extract, belonging to the film Family Life (1971) by Ken Loach. In it, you can see a wonderful example of paradoxical communication and double bind in the family context.

Paradoxical communication as a reason for conflict as a couple

When problems arise in a love relationship, the problem is usually found in the lack of mutual communication. As in the family context, We also transmit contradictory messages about how we feel or what we want to our partner.

Women: “Today I had an exhausting day at work. On The children have been playing in the living room and look how they have left everything!“Husband (thinks): “And what will he want? Yes, I just got home and I’m also very tired. You’re not asking me to clean the living room on top of that, right?”Husband (says): “Well, you clean it, huh?”

The way the husband responds to his wife is revealing. Not only does he assume that his wife is indirectly asking him to clean up the room; but His answer is totally out of context and borders on rudeness.

The most convenient thing would be for him to ask: “Do you want me to order it? do I help you? What do you need?“. But She decides, as a result of her beliefs and deep-rooted assumptions, that her intention is not to collect.

This reflects that both They are not conveying their intentions clearly enough.. Furthermore, paradoxical communication is usually not something one-off, but rather has a snowball effect. It usually drags from conversation to conversation and can become chronic in the relationship.

In the joint interviews carried out by the therapist, it can be observed how a couple shakes each other with gestures and emits aggressive criticism, at the same time He disguises his hostility with language that seems affectionate or vice versa.

Identifying the paradox sometimes helps to read the other person, to know what they think even if they remain silent. However, on other occasions when there is not so much willingness to understand, it can generate very harmful consequences for the relationship and important conflicts. We insist that in order to communicate in an appropriate way The first thing we have to do is understand ourselves.

Bibliography

Watzlawick, P., Bavelas, B. and Jackson, D. (2008). Human communication Theory. New York: Herder.Cejalvo, J. (2009). Personality from the systemic perspective. In JA Ríos, Personality, human maturity and family context. Madrid: CCS.Mucchielli, A. Psychology of Communication; Paidós Comunicación, pp. 115-117.You might be interested…