Our partner is our mirror

Those of us who do not have a stable partner yearn to find one. and maintain the illusion that complete happiness is achieved with another with whom to share daily life.

Those of us who do have a couple by our side would like to have another lifewhile we feed the fantasy that we could be happier if our partner changed, if they were kinder or more willing to satisfy us.

Is it expected that our partner will change?

In truth, if there were something we wanted to change, we would have to review how we have formed our couple from the beginning, what personal resources we have offered to build the love bond and above all, what agreements we have reached together regarding the future of our lives. But there is also something fundamental that we should take into account:

Our partner reflects many of our own aspects that we do not recognize as such.

Our partner is our mirror. A mirror in which sometimes we would not want to recognize ourselves. Our partner –the person with whom we share our intimacy, our anxieties and pains, our present and our hopes– is a wonderful field of projection.

Everything we admire, but also everything that bothers us or we do not admit ourselves, it finds a channel to manifest itself in the other.

And vice versa. We also manifest part of the shadow that our partner does not admit as his own.

In everyday life, this is a mess for us. Because in the end we don’t know very well where to locate what makes us angry.

How to see ourselves in this mirror

Is our partner too submissive and not too risky? Perhaps we are used to leading, imposing our tastes and wanting to impose our reasons. It would be pertinent to think that we could only have paired ourselves with someone who is willing to adapt to our tastes, even if we don’t like him later, that he adapts so much!

Does our partner live as if they were alone without including us in their decisions? We might assume that at the time we got married, our freedom and autonomy were undisputed values ​​and we were prepared to bond only to the extent that each of us retained areas of independence and self-management, even though we now realize that we don’t feel as loved as we would have. imagined.

Does our partner have recurring outbursts and end up generating spousal violence? It is likely that conflicts have been commonplace in our families of origin and that we have learned that a loving current flows through affective battles. In any case, what bothers us about our partner to some extent also belongs to us, even if we are not aware of it.

That is why it does not seem pertinent to pretend that the other changes. However, it would be appropriate to take advantage of that authentic and truthful mirror to get to know ourselves more.

To ask ourselves questions about our inner being and look far beyond our small personal point of view. For this, we will have to observe the complete scenarios.

For example, If women want a mature man, responsible, open, generous, available and attentive to any other’s needs, at least he will look for a woman with a similar level of emotional maturity. Now, are we that woman?

Another example: if we paired up because the man was fun, we had good chemistry, there was sexual attraction and social outings were the common point, probably life as a couple is entertaining. But if a child is born later and sexual attraction is forgotten and fatigue floods us, we cannot expect the man who comes home every night to magically become someone he is not: serious, concerned and connected. with our emotional intimacy.

And if we have mated with a man-child subject to his own mother’s wishes -which also submits without protest to our decisions-, is a scheme that allows us to handle ourselves freely in all areas of our lives. In compensation, perhaps that individual gets sick, depressed or wants to leave home, fed up with being subjected to our hurtful denunciations for having become the worst couple in the world.

I mean, our couples become a spectacular projection field, allowing us to observe and record everything that we ourselves generate without realizing it.

What can we do?

In the first place, take advantage of life as a couple as a magnificent mirror where to look at and understand each other, and also become the best mirror for our partner.

Then, understanding that building and supporting a partner is not –per se– a guarantee of love nor understanding. We may both want to build something nice together, but we’ll have to have an honest conversation about what each can offer for the other, as the routine can be very hard to bear. In addition, we will have to come clean and realize that in the name of love we intend to sustain a couple system in which we try to love each other, but sometimes we are exhausted with anger and disappointment.

Sometimes we increase the demands assuming that a single person should fill all the affective holes that we drag from remote times

We also believe that we deserve certain care and attention that –we assume– should be covered by our partner within the modalities that we have fantasized are the correct ones.

In truth this could all be a big misunderstanding, especially if our ambitions are based on fantasies, instead of having consciously and humbly set out to cement a loving relationship based on the reality of who we are – each one of us – and who the other is.

Get to know each other more, without judgments

To do this, the first step is to address our real emotional reality. To get closer to our inner reality, that is, to everything we feel, that hurts us, that vitalizes us, that we yearn for, that we fear or that comforts us, we have to know ourselves more and, above all, understand ourselves more.

Without value judgments, without considering anything good or bad, right or wrongbut observing with a cloak of compassion what our loving experiences have been throughout life – starting with our childhood – what training we have acquired to bond with others and what we are ready to learn from others.

This availability and openness to meet and sympathize with each other will be the magic key to relate with tenderness and acceptance with our partner, even if there are trifles of everyday life that we don’t like.

To love the other we need to make the decision to love him

Does contributing to living in peace within a couple serve something more than personal comfort? I understand that we are all interested in contributing a grain of sand in favor of a kinder, more supportive and egalitarian world, more interested in elevating ourselves spiritually, intellectually and creatively. To do this, we have to understand that personal anger was only a means of survival in the past, but today it is not right.

I am convinced that historical revolutions are gestated and kneaded within each love relationship. Between a man and a woman. Between an adult and a child. Between two men or between five women. In wheels of friends. Within supportive families. Today we have the obligation to offer our skills, our emotional intelligence and our generosity to the world, which is sorely lacking.